I'm sharing my experiences... they're all mine and nobody else's...
Born “Unloved”
On everything Holy that I believe in, may God torment me for eternity if I am lying or even embelishing the truth when I state the following experiences I'm about to relate, and I love God and others so very, very much. Love is a very easy thing for me to have, but so are the torments I've had most of my life. Those are easy to have also...
At age 64, memories of childhood sexual trauma returned as if flooding in. My heart sank and I suddenly lost the 'me', or rather man, I once just was...sadly.
I’ll preface my story by stating that I can actually remember 'baby' things. Like being stuck with safety pins while my diapers were changed, like my baby legs being twisted very hard, like my grandmother sucking on my privates, and angry long stares from my mother before I could even talk.
I grew very observant because I had to(you want to wake up a baby mind? Well then just twist its tiny legs a few times)
My mother glued herself to my older sister and let her attack me often. She'd try to poke my baby eyes out, often lulling me with a sweet loving face right before she'd attack. I learned to kick wildly with my legs to protect myself whenever I saw her approaching me. But that was nothing.
At age 7, I met a sweet girl that lived right around the corner from my grandparents in Galveston. Her parents caught us kissing and touching on their side porch steps twice. They told us we had to come inside the house if we wanted to do that. They ended up teaching us how to have intercourse and we did "it" at least a dozen times over the course of maybe 6 weeks from what I recall...no brag, just fact. Then my grandmother caught us when we tried it at her house. She watched us for 2 long minutes and then said sweetly "You both look just like Adam and Eve". The twinkles in her eyes disappeared when I said "It's okay, we can do it here now too, my grandma likes to watch." She got a stunned look on her face and then a very angry one. Then she proceeded to rip the girl from my embrace and throw her very hard towards the front door. I vividly recall the small girl flying through the air and knowing she'd land wrong because of her being so sprawled out. Turned out that grandma broke her arm doing that. Turned out that grandma was scared of going to prison for allowing children to have sex right in front of her. She got my 'mafia' uncle to go over and threaten that family into silence and possibly even relocating.
Then I moved back in with my mother and father. That's all I know about that childhood experience I'm prefacing my story with. I was told repeatedly to forget everything because it could ruin our family. Right after that my mother divorced my father and was going to take my two sisters to go live in California. We lived in Texas and it was 1965. I pleaded with my mother to take me too. Her exact words were, "If I take you with us I'm never going to love you. Never, do you understand? I'll feed you, put a roof over your head and keep you safe until you're old enough to take care of yourself but that's it. So, is it a deal?" I said "yes" and just knew I could make my mother love me. I'd be 'extra good'. I was a little angel as it was. That was the problem though. My sweetness always shone light on my mother and made her feel guilty, and sinful.
We wound up on Hollywood Blvd. with nowhere to go. When we'd walk, I was told I had to always stay 12 to 15 feet behind them. ALWAYS. My mother tried to abandon me there in the heavey crowds several times. After she placed me right in front of a man who looked demented, telling him he could take me away by using her eyes and him trying to pull me away to go with him, a plain-clothed detective understood what she was trying to do, grabbed her purse from her, looked at her ID and stated, "Lady, if I didn't have to keep an eye on some suspicious criminals I'd run you in right now." She stared yelling "Narc!" and he quickly grew frightened that his cover was now blown. So he let us walk away. My mother tried one last time to abandon me there in Hollywood. She almost did, but thankfully I finally saw them walking quickly down a lonely side street holding hands together. When I ran up, she was very, very angry. "Well, that didn't work, I guess I'll have to try something else!", she said to me. I was scared... but acted like it was all just a joke and we we're all just 'playing' hide and seek.
Then we were back to standing on another busy street corner in Hollywood. My mother met a woman who said we could stay with her until we found a place of our own. But in a short time, the woman wanted us to go. She had three young children of her own and the walls were closing in on her, she said. "But I don't have a job yet and I have no money", my mother said. "Your girls got their 'money makers' and I can call some men I know. You'll have tons of money!" My mother and both sisters quickly agreed. My older sister always was jealous because I had already had actual sex with a girl and she was older than me. But now she'd get to not only catch up, but surpass me by having sex with an ADULT.
The time came for them to go to the hotel for their daylight 'tryst'. I was told I had to come along because everybody else was leaving and they didn't want me all alone in the house. Well, in short order my older sister was happily having sex, then my little sister too. There were four men there. I was told to face the wall and not turn around or I'd get smacked. When they were 'busy' I turned to quickly peek a few times. My aunt caught me looking and smacked me very hard on the top of the head two times, then my little sister saw me peeking and made a very big deal out of it. My older sister had sex with all four men, my little sister the "handsome two". Then they were finished. I was so happy we could go now. That happiness didn't last long though.
I saw everyone grow silent and then stare right at me just like hungry wolves. "NEXT!!!" is what I heard them say. I ran out the door but my mother and 'aunt' caught me and whacked away on my head good. Before I knew it I was lifted up and carried back into the sleezey, small hotel room. My mother was ripping off my t-shirt and she almost broke my neck doing so. I was being held in the air while being stripped naked as if a doll. My feet never touched the ground after that for a long time. I begged and pleaded but then 'it' happened. Now I was screaming my lungs out. That just made the show for them even better. "Oh, do you want it to stop? Is it hurting?", my mother said to me. "YES!", I pleaded. "Can you go faster!" she told the guy behind me. He was very happy to do so. He had to have 'careful' sex with my two sisters, but the lady had just told him he could do as he pleased with me. I started screaming so loud that I wore myself out. Now I was just silently hanging there limp in mid air with my mother holding my face to her breast very tightly to keep me silenced. I had to bite hard into her bra to get her to let go so I could even breathe air.
After the first man had his way, the next three had theirs. It was a long, long and horrible experience. My sisters kept coming up to my face and saying horrible things to hurt me. "Ooh, it's getting so bloody. Oh, gotta go!", then clapping happily and returning to their viewing spots behind me. "It's getting so bubbly!" and "Wow, there's a big puddle now!" and horrible things like that filled my ears. They'd clap happily and state they "gotta go" each time they tormented me like that too.
I started feeling so dirty, I felt like a piece of trash now. I just knew even my whole adault life was destroyed... who'd want to hire or even be friends with me now?
One man asked if he could quickly run out for some film to make a movie and my mother told him "SURE!". For extra money, of course. They also had been conversing through the wall the whole time with some man in the next room. By now I felt so degraded. Then, I grew very, very frightened. Surely they'd all have to kill me now. They could all go to prison if I told. "Mommy, are you going to kill me now?", I looked up and asked my mother as I was still being raped. "Am I going to have to? Are you going to remember any of this?" I just stared into her eyes and said, "I don't know" truthfully. Thankfully, my mother didn't want to have blood on her hands right then.
When we returned to my 'aunt's' house, I had to move into the tiny triangled "Cubby" underneath a staircase... my new room.
Then I stared 4th grade in a new school. We had moved into a new apartment now. I couldn't sit at my desk though, my bottom hurt so very much. I let the classroom think it was just because I had received a strong spanking for something I did bad. All the kids were laughing and taunting me about it. After several days of standing there all day at my desk, the teacher told me I had to sit just down because "No spanking pain last THAT long." I pleaded with her to let me keep standing and I'm pretty sure she finally understood why I couldn't sit down. She asked me to stay after school and I told her everything about what had happened. She asked if she could see, if I was willing to drop my pants quickly to prove I wasn't just a liar. I did. Then I pulled my pants back up and turned around to see that she was crying for me. She held me lovingly and said she was so sorry that it had happened. Finally, she asked me what I wanted to do about it. She would call the police if I wanted, or I could keep it all between us. I said "I love my family and don't want them to be in trouble. I just want them to love me is all." I told her my mother said that would never hppen to me again She advised me to sleep with a small knife for protection just in case anyways, which I started doing until my mother caught me. She also said that she'd write everything down in the school records, "...but not where everybody could see it, only if they're actually looking for it." It should be there in 'some record' she kept. She told me so. There's a sick movie with me in it out there somewhere also. And so much more I could elaborate on too.
I'll end this for now, but there's so much more later trauma I could relate... including a murder they set up for me to commit.
Nobody ever seems to care what a mentally-distraught GROWN UP person has to say though. "Must be all in their mind, or something."
Yes, they got that part right. It became a part of my spirit eventually though. I went on with life as best I could with them settling for their fun and happy 'child-abuse memories' and the fun of mentally, emotionally and spiritually tormenting me with a 50% love and 50% cruelty existence until I turned eightteen. I never realized why my sisters and friends would gather together away from me suddenly, start whispering together with my younger sister, clap, then run away and leave me standing there all alone when we were playing together at the park. The mind is protective that way. That always had me crying my heart out though... why was my sister and all my friends being so cruel to me like that? Why did they only target me, and nobody else?
But recently, the memories all returned as if a movie I had just watched. i didn't just remember a detail or two... I recalled the whole vivid experience practically momemt to moment, word for word. I just recently related all of my memories to my sister and mother in text messages and have only heard crickets in return. My older sister did call the police to do a ‘wellness check’ on me. When the officers showed up I told them everything. They let me talk for a whole 15 long minutes without any interruptions whatsoever. When I finally looked up at them to see if they were even listening, both of the young officers(one male and one female), had welled up tears for me. There eyes were very red and swollen and they didn't appear to be the same people who had recently entered my apartment. They said they’d get a woman named “Jo” to come out and talk with me… but again just ‘crickets’ heard in return for relating my torment and sorrow. It's going on 6 months now since they came out to check on my 'well being'. I suppose Jo cares more about young and cute female sex victims lots more than a tormented elderly male who is so very tormented and freshly traumatized. What else is new under the sun, right? I get it. I never was 'stupid'.
I am not the same sweet and happy person that I just was only 6 months ago. Six long months ago. I just want life, this garbage existence, to be over and done with. I’ll go to my grave in sorrow knowing humans don’t really care unless it happened to THEM, then it becomes actual ‘tragedy’. I understand that I won't be the first to do that and that I'll have lots of company waiting for me in the afterlife. Well, I'm hoping that there's a 'GOD' that created all of this anyways. I had very comforting prayer answers as well as vivid dreams after I was raped by those four men. I'd love to be able to share my experiences with people... good ones, not bad ones that would only torment me by remembering family and friends clapping happily and stating "Well, gotta go now!"
Thank you so very much for hearing me out and letting me share my childhood experiences. Thanks for having this blog site in place. I’m imagining many hurt people like myself have been made to feel a bit better by sharing their story. Thank you for caring when so many don’t. Every atom of who I am appreciates this opportunity.
That's what I am sharing with anybody that even cares to listen.
