Most of us spend a huge chunk of our day at work, which means we’re around our coworkers just as much if not more than our own families. When you’re constantly collaborating, tackling challenges together, and sharing everyday moments, it’s not surprising that a little work crush can sneak up on you. But when you’re happily married (and so is the other person), things can get complicated.
That’s exactly what happened to one woman, who found herself catching feelings for a coworker despite loving her husband and family. She knows it’s probably just a proximity thing, and she wants it gone ASAP. Not wanting to let this harmless crush turn into something more, she turned to the internet for advice on how to move on and keep things strictly professional. Keep reading to see what people have to say!
#21
That kind of desire is always mystery making it seem more exciting than it is.
The truth?
Most people when you know them are pretty human. We all s**t. We all have worries. Fears. Things that are ugly about us.
Don't let your animal brain trick you.
This person is likely more boring than you know and there is a high chance you wouldn't have anything close to the relationship you have with your partner. Someone who chose to symbolically make a promise to stay with you through thick and thin.
Mystery let's our brains fill in the blanks. The blank spaces our minds fill aren't real. They are pure illusion.
Excitement can be cultivated but a partner who stays with you. That's rare.
The truth?
Most people when you know them are pretty human. We all s**t. We all have worries. Fears. Things that are ugly about us.
Don't let your animal brain trick you.
This person is likely more boring than you know and there is a high chance you wouldn't have anything close to the relationship you have with your partner. Someone who chose to symbolically make a promise to stay with you through thick and thin.
Mystery let's our brains fill in the blanks. The blank spaces our minds fill aren't real. They are pure illusion.
Excitement can be cultivated but a partner who stays with you. That's rare.
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7points
Next, it’s important to set boundaries and keep things professional. There’s no need to be awkward, but a little distance can go a long way. Stick to work-related conversations, limit unnecessary one-on-one interactions, and avoid flirty banter that could blur the lines between friendly and something more. Small adjustments in behavior can help shift the focus back to professionalism.
#22
It doesn't matter where you get your appetite so long as you only eat at home.
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7points
#23
I am in a very similar situation. I went through a month of butterflies in my stomach every time they were near me and being unable to get them out of my head 24/7. I’ve basically cooked for the whole office just so I can make their day a little better without singling them out. In my case I believe it is anxious attachment. What helped a lot was being honest with my partner and having serious conversations about things that didn’t feel right between us. Right now I feel connected with my partner and that I feel I can look forward to going to work without the guilt I felt before. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Just enjoy the feel good chemicals you’re experiencing and consider that poor decisions made now might make both your lives worse in the future.
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7points
Taking care of yourself also plays a huge role in keeping things in perspective. Prioritizing self-care, nurturing your marriage, and engaging in activities that bring you joy can help redirect your energy.
Spend quality time with your partner, reconnect over shared interests, and focus on things that make you feel fulfilled outside of work. When you’re happy in other areas of life, fleeting crushes tend to lose their grip.
#25
Speaking personally as someone who's experienced in what you're going through.
I would change jobs. As this is your first extra marital crush, you don't have the real knowledge of what can happen if you did go all the way. (I said the same words as you about my wife and meant them)
Unless they do something to put you off its unlikely the crush will fade.
The first sign of dissatisfaction at home, he'll seem more inviting.
By trying to get over him, you'll just think about him as much and, in my opinion, it could grow tension.
Don't forget he could feel the same and give in and tell you how he feels.
Then, you have confirmation from your crush to deal with.
It's hard, and I'm not saying you can't try to forget it and move on.. but unless you've had the feelings, you're starting to have people won't know how strong it can be.
You're not a million miles away from falling in love.
I'm saying all this with 0 judgement or criticism.
Oh, do not tell your partner. You would incriminate yourself forever even if he brushes it off.
If you don't or can't change jobs, some (obvious) basics are
- don't have his number
- don't see him out of work
- try to be cold but polite
- don't get into any situation to touch
- be aware of his action towards you, don't forget he could be thinking the same
If you want to be scared straight, I'll tell you the fall out of divorce.
I would change jobs. As this is your first extra marital crush, you don't have the real knowledge of what can happen if you did go all the way. (I said the same words as you about my wife and meant them)
Unless they do something to put you off its unlikely the crush will fade.
The first sign of dissatisfaction at home, he'll seem more inviting.
By trying to get over him, you'll just think about him as much and, in my opinion, it could grow tension.
Don't forget he could feel the same and give in and tell you how he feels.
Then, you have confirmation from your crush to deal with.
It's hard, and I'm not saying you can't try to forget it and move on.. but unless you've had the feelings, you're starting to have people won't know how strong it can be.
You're not a million miles away from falling in love.
I'm saying all this with 0 judgement or criticism.
Oh, do not tell your partner. You would incriminate yourself forever even if he brushes it off.
If you don't or can't change jobs, some (obvious) basics are
- don't have his number
- don't see him out of work
- try to be cold but polite
- don't get into any situation to touch
- be aware of his action towards you, don't forget he could be thinking the same
If you want to be scared straight, I'll tell you the fall out of divorce.
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6points
#26
Crushes are fun. You're allowed to have a crush and enjoy the happy feelings they give you. You are not allowed to act on it while staying true to the relationship.
I appreciate the crushes whenever they come. They add value and joy to my life. But there's a long way between having a crush and having an affair.
I appreciate the crushes whenever they come. They add value and joy to my life. But there's a long way between having a crush and having an affair.
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6points
#27
Happens all the time. Avoid being alone with him. Avoid talking to him about personal matters, especially any problems with your spouse. Make sure you are not flirting with him. Office romances can absolutely gut a marriage and ruin families so have very strict boundaries with work friends.
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6points
And if the feelings aren’t fading or are causing emotional distress, there’s nothing wrong with seeking support. Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or relationship coach can provide an outside perspective and help you navigate your emotions. Sometimes, just saying things out loud to someone else is enough to snap things back into perspective and reaffirm what truly matters.
In this case, the author never intended to act on her feelings—she is very happy in her marriage but just wants to move on and feel normal again. What do you think? Have you ever had a work crush? How did you handle it? Let’s talk!
#28
You’re playing with fire. If you’re hanging out together and finding ways to go out to lunch just the 2 of you then you’re really in trouble. One step away from crossing a line that shouldn’t be crossed.
If you are happy in your marriage and do not at all want this situation to conclude with an affair, you need to find a way to detach now. Even if it means finding a new job or transferring.
If you really question your feelings for this crush and things aren’t the best at home, you need to tell your spouse that you guys should see marriage counseling to get things in a better place again.
I know from experience that once you step over the boundary, it becomes so much more complicated and destructive.
If you are happy in your marriage and do not at all want this situation to conclude with an affair, you need to find a way to detach now. Even if it means finding a new job or transferring.
If you really question your feelings for this crush and things aren’t the best at home, you need to tell your spouse that you guys should see marriage counseling to get things in a better place again.
I know from experience that once you step over the boundary, it becomes so much more complicated and destructive.
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6points
#29
Imagine your husband walking into your workplace at your flirtiest moment with this man. Imagine that suddenly every feeling, conversation, thought, fantasy that you have had with this man suddenly enters your husband's mind. Use that pit in your stomach to feel disgusted by the thought of any type of non-work related relation with this man.
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6points
#30
Dangerous situation. you are close to a physical affair. YOU HAVE TO CALL A HALT TO THIS BEFORE YOU RUIN TWO MARRIAGES. Talk to boss about separating you and guy you work with. I am sure your husband is aware of something going on. Your crush is impacting your marriage weather you realize or not. Better take steps to get close to your husband again before you do something stupid. Only you can put a stop to this. Only you can save two marriages, yes I know what I am talking about.
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5points
#31
As much as you cannot control your feelings you very much can control your actions. Remember that. It’s a fantasy that comes from somewhere in your head, not necessarily a real person. It most likely won’t fade away quickly and you need to accept that feeling instead of fighting it.
In my opinion avoiding the person will only make it worse and you will end up being controlled by your feelings not the other way around. I would advise for confronting the fantasy with reality by being polite and friendly when speaking to the person, but avoiding occasion that might lead to something more: like drinks after work for example. Keep it strictly professional. The energy a crush gives you, try to use that at home. It is hard but manageable.
In my opinion avoiding the person will only make it worse and you will end up being controlled by your feelings not the other way around. I would advise for confronting the fantasy with reality by being polite and friendly when speaking to the person, but avoiding occasion that might lead to something more: like drinks after work for example. Keep it strictly professional. The energy a crush gives you, try to use that at home. It is hard but manageable.
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5points
#32
It all cools down eventually. I also like someone at work and I believe it's mutual - I can sense it and I can see her looking at me.. But work is work and you don't mix work with personal life, no matter what. Just never cross the line and it will be fine.
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4points
#33
I don't mean this with disrespect but you're and adult. This crush is a fantasy in your head, so choose to let it go.
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4points
#34
As someone whose family fell apart (for the second time) because of an affair, I'd say you should never act upon the feeling. Being the oldest child, it really messed up with my mind.
You've acknowledged the problem, and you're willing to work on it, which is good. It means you're aware of what you truly cheerish in your life, and that you want to keep it.
Now, crushes are natural. Being married doesn't mean they disappear instantly. That's not bad, and they usually don't last.
Now, what would be truly disrespectful to your partner would be acting upon those feelings. There's a huge difference between a crush, and an affair.
Think about what you could lose if you acted upon the feeling impulsively. Your partner. Your kids. You could lose all of this in a heartbeat.
There's been cases where kids end up resenting and even hating the partner who cheated for breaking down their family.
Your mental health and well being are important, but so is your family's. Therapy would be the best option you have here, in addition to reduce contact with the guy.
Remember: A crush is the idealization of a person, not who they truly are. You don't know your co-worker. You know nothing about him other than what he's shown.
Communication with your partner is key as well, and if your husband trusts you, he'd be willing to help. Sometimes it's better to adress these topics than to hide them, but that's up to you.
Don't risk what you have for a momentary feeling, that's all I have to say. A big hug for you.
You've acknowledged the problem, and you're willing to work on it, which is good. It means you're aware of what you truly cheerish in your life, and that you want to keep it.
Now, crushes are natural. Being married doesn't mean they disappear instantly. That's not bad, and they usually don't last.
Now, what would be truly disrespectful to your partner would be acting upon those feelings. There's a huge difference between a crush, and an affair.
Think about what you could lose if you acted upon the feeling impulsively. Your partner. Your kids. You could lose all of this in a heartbeat.
There's been cases where kids end up resenting and even hating the partner who cheated for breaking down their family.
Your mental health and well being are important, but so is your family's. Therapy would be the best option you have here, in addition to reduce contact with the guy.
Remember: A crush is the idealization of a person, not who they truly are. You don't know your co-worker. You know nothing about him other than what he's shown.
Communication with your partner is key as well, and if your husband trusts you, he'd be willing to help. Sometimes it's better to adress these topics than to hide them, but that's up to you.
Don't risk what you have for a momentary feeling, that's all I have to say. A big hug for you.
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4points
#35
Oof. Just fantasize it all the way through. That's when it starts getting real. Say you two are in love you get serious and break up two families and create another family/partnership, you now have your old in-laws still in the picture bc they are your children's old grandparents..but not only that but now you have a whole other set of potential in-laws, his brothers/sisters, plus your children's aunts and uncles.... Bc they don't totally go away. any drama that effects your children effects you, it run still enter your sphere.... A whole other family to integrate into..... Not to mention when future partners of both yours and his your exes come onto the scene. Now when you consider all of this, all of these new relationships to navigate, and you really visualize it, and get some sort of emotional imprint from it, does it make you excited? Or does it just sound exhausting?😅.
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4points
#36
Think about getting caught? Think about all of the issues that can happen with divorce, possible custody battles, the money you will
Bleed.
After you think about that ask if it’s worth it? To some people it is, others, what I said would frighten them silly.
Bleed.
After you think about that ask if it’s worth it? To some people it is, others, what I said would frighten them silly.
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4points
#37
Stop overthinking this. Crushes are not intellectual things, your cortex has nothing to do with this. A crush is a lizard brain thing; your body’s response to a stimulus that is completely independent of thought. So relax.
How about instead of stewing in shame over this incredibly normal human behavior, you lean into it and use it to improve your marriage? You can’t control (and shouldn’t feel guilty about) what your body responds to, but you CAN control what you do with that response: plow that energy into your husband when you get home! Just go absolutely nuts on him! Take the initiative and take what your body needs; what your body is screaming at you to give it!
Do that and report back.
How about instead of stewing in shame over this incredibly normal human behavior, you lean into it and use it to improve your marriage? You can’t control (and shouldn’t feel guilty about) what your body responds to, but you CAN control what you do with that response: plow that energy into your husband when you get home! Just go absolutely nuts on him! Take the initiative and take what your body needs; what your body is screaming at you to give it!
Do that and report back.
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3points
#38
You're just going to have to f#ck it out. Just get it out of your system.
Just kidding. Be an adult, and just ignore it. You make choices everyday to stoke that flame, you spend time day dreaming. Don't. Just stop that. You made a commitment to your partner and brought kids into this world. Now be a G'damned adult and focus on your partner and kids.
Just kidding. Be an adult, and just ignore it. You make choices everyday to stoke that flame, you spend time day dreaming. Don't. Just stop that. You made a commitment to your partner and brought kids into this world. Now be a G'damned adult and focus on your partner and kids.
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3points
#39
When you wake up in the morning, look over at your spouse and be grateful that someone chose you to spend their life with. He chose you.
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3points
#40
You don’t stop feeling attraction because you’re married. This is completely normal. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to theirselves.
I think you can be honest with yourself, and acknowledge you have a crush. Shame will only make it worse.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to act up on anything. You can have that little joy and that little excitement of your interactions with your crush and keep it to yourself. I found out, you don’t need a crush to reciprocate, to enjoy their presence or the excitement they give you.
There is no way your husband doesn’t feel a little spark when speaking to another woman that is his type. As long as he keeps it to himself and doesn’t act on it, would you mind? Probably not.
I have a long term partner and a crush on a coworker before. I enjoyed getting along with someone I thought was fun and attractive. Eventually, the excitement wore off, and now, that coworker is just a friend from work I find objectively attractive and get along well, but have no special feelings for.
Accept the fact you have a little crush, keep it to yourself, enjoy it while it lasts, and you’ll get over it.
I think you can be honest with yourself, and acknowledge you have a crush. Shame will only make it worse.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to act up on anything. You can have that little joy and that little excitement of your interactions with your crush and keep it to yourself. I found out, you don’t need a crush to reciprocate, to enjoy their presence or the excitement they give you.
There is no way your husband doesn’t feel a little spark when speaking to another woman that is his type. As long as he keeps it to himself and doesn’t act on it, would you mind? Probably not.
I have a long term partner and a crush on a coworker before. I enjoyed getting along with someone I thought was fun and attractive. Eventually, the excitement wore off, and now, that coworker is just a friend from work I find objectively attractive and get along well, but have no special feelings for.
Accept the fact you have a little crush, keep it to yourself, enjoy it while it lasts, and you’ll get over it.
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3points
