While the term weaponized incompetence was not coined until a few years ago, the experience and behavior is one many people have been familiar with for generations. Using excuses to get out of doing tasks someone else can do for you, or feigning ignorance when it’s time to wash the dishes, grocery shop or make dinner is a toxic behavior that far too many people view as harmless.
So to gain more insight on the topic, we reached out to board-certified psychiatrist, therapist and coach, Ann Park, MD. Lucky for us, Dr. Park was willing to shine a light on what exactly weaponized incompetence is. “Weaponized incompetence happens when one partner in a relationship is somehow unable to pull their weight, leaving the other person to do the heavy lifting,” she explained. “This can include managing household chores, completing work projects, or handling emotional responsibility in the relationship.”
While Dr. Park says there is no hard data available on how frequently weaponized incompetence occurs, it appears to be common, and people often immediately recognize what it is. “Weaponized incompetence tends to happen when one partner has difficulty setting firm limits, and the other partner steps into that gap,” the expert explained.
We were also curious how individuals should respond when their partner attempts to use this tactic to get out of doing something. “When you notice yourself feeling resentful or stressed about the balance in a relationship, pay attention to those feelings,” she says. “They are giving you important information. Take time on your own to identify the areas where you feel you're overworking. This can include emotional overwork. Then bring your thoughts to your partner and ask them to join you in creating a healthier balance. In a good relationship, your partner should be willing to step up to meet your concerns until you both find a mutually acceptable outcome.”
Dr. Park also shared how we can teach people to stop using this kind of behavior. “Practice, practice, practice,” she told Bored Panda. “Just like any other skill, communicating your feelings and setting good boundaries around your personal limits takes practice. Start with a small step, and even rehearse ahead of time what you want to say to your partner. Then share your feelings, and be consistent about holding your limit in place.”
“Over time, both partners can learn to adjust to an equilibrium where each other's feelings and needs are consistently accounted for,” Dr. Park says. “It's the sign of a mutually respectful, healthy relationship.”
If you’d like to learn more about Dr. Ann Park or hear more words of wisdom from her, be sure to visit her Instagram page right here.
We also got in touch with Cooper, the woman who started this thread, and she was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda about her own experiences that inspired this conversation. Cooper shared that she previously ended an engagement after noticing a pattern of weaponized incompetence.
“I realized his mother always stepped in to clean up his messes, and both he and his family expected me to step into that role,” she noted. “The breaking point was when he didn't file the paperwork necessary for our international marriage to be legal, saying it was too hard to make the phone calls and he didn't know what to do.”
“Eventually he had his mummy pick up the slack,” Cooper continued. “We were in our late 20's, the man knew how to Google and pick up a phone. Because we were citizens of different countries, timing was tight and getting paperwork done was vital to everything working. I remember this moment as the one where I realized that it didn't matter how important the situation was or how much was on the line, he would simply claim he didn't know how until I (or his mother) picked up the slack. He would let things fall apart before handling his life himself. I refused to marry into a lifetime of parenting this man, and shortly after this, I walked away.”
“When you love someone, you want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You naturally want to attribute good intentions. Sometimes people truly don't have experience and just need to be taught,” Cooper pointed out. “But eventually, it starts to become clear when someone throws up their hands and claims helplessness at every turn.”
“It also becomes highly suspect when an extremely intelligent person claims they simply can't learn how to do a very basic task,” she added. “If you're an architect, I'm sure you can learn how to turn on the washing machine.”
“These experiences are so disheartening. Because you expect that someone who loves you would not intentionally manipulate you and be perfectly happy to see you stressed and overwhelmed. It's hurtful to realize it's happening to you,” Cooper says.
Cooper went on to note that weaponized incompetence is manipulative by definition, and there are many reasons why someone might try to use this tactic, “ranging from selfishness and laziness to poor communication skills or fear of addressing your desires directly.”
“Some people know what they want would be rejected because it's unreasonable and bad partnership (eg: never having to change your child's diaper, never being the one to do the dishes), so they manipulate their way out of having to show up and do their part,” she continued. “Why put in effort when you've always been able to get by without giving any?”
Cooper also told Bored Panda that one story in particular from the thread stuck out to her. “One woman said her dad told her brother, right in front of her ‘Just pretend you don't know how to do laundry and your sister will do it for you.’ Despite the level to which this is predictable, it still somehow felt shocking,” she shared. “There are a lot of people who pretend they don't do this, or know anyone who does, and yet here was a man actively teaching his son how to feign ignorance to manipulate women into doing his work.”
“Rarely is it said so explicitly, but sometimes weaponized incompetence is directly taught. More insidiously, we see it modeled in the home. Kids pick up on everything,” Cooper added.
