People With Impossibly Dumb Pets Share Their Stories, Here Are 45 Of The Most Unhinged Ones

I was changing clothes. My cat decided to attack my tampon string.

We have the world's stupidest dachshund.

One time he sneezed next to a kitchen cabinet and hit his head on the door. He barked at the cabinet for hitting him.

I was peeing with the door open (dude) and my bunny came hopping in the room. I said hello and such. Bunny looked at my pee stream and before i knew it she jumped into the toilet bowl. Such horror as she was sitting in there chest deep in gross toilet pee water and getting splattered with fresh pee still as i didnt have enough time to stop the hose without hitting her stupid dumb face with my stupid dumb wiener pee.

My cat would frequently come home with a dead mouse in his mouth. We couldn't figure out where he was getting all these mice til the neighbour came by and told us Mr Chips (the cat) was climbing into the neighbours Python glass enclosure and taking the snakes food (I.e. The mice).

Not worst, but definitely stupidest. My one dog follows me everywhere like Mary's little lamb. One evening I gave the dogs baths and left their jingly collars off while they dried, which put them in stealth mode. Went to set the towels in the laundry room and then shut the door to the room on the way out. Fast forward an hour later, I see one dog walking around and realize that I haven't seen the other one in a while. Search all over the house, last place I look is of course laundry room. My stupid dog was just sitting there. Never occurred to him to bark or anything, he just had this look on his face that said "this is my life now. I live in the laundry room.".

My dog bit through some leashes when he was a puppy. One day he got loose on a walk, stole the baseball that was in play at a high school game, and ran victory laps around the diamond with the ball in his mouth until someone caught him.

Had a sulfur crested cockatoo rescue in the house for a few months. Awesome bird, MASSIVE and so f*****g loud.

Made a shepherds pie, took forever to make and was my pride and joy I was going to live off for the week (it was massive). Left it in the kitchen to cool until I heard excited squawking.

The cockatoo flew into it and was treating it like a bird bath, dunking his head and flapping his wings in the gravy. Then s**t in it.

The pie was a total loss.

Our cat s**t *into* the sound hole of my guitar. Whenever someone bitches about getting a pick out of their guitar, I tell them this story.

We had this plant that had fake, long, thin leaves on it and my stupid cat would not stop eating the leaves, which resulted in him puking bits back up twice. So I took the plant and put it up in my closet. He was so pissed off about it, followed me the whole way right around my ankles, trying to trip me. he stood at my closet door for twenty minutes meowing, wouldn't let me touch him. So a week later I was running late for work and I left my closet door open without thinking about it. I come home to find the plant dragged into the living room, leaving bits of fake dirt and rocks all over the carpet, cat p**s all over my closet and the stupid plant, and like eight piles of cat vomit with little thin pieces of green leaves in it. Little f****r waited for me to slip up once so he could do it, too.

My dog herded 5 sheep into the ocean. They just disappeared into the sea. Grandpa wasn't happy.

My cat laid down on my chest and farted silently in my face.

We made the mistake of taking our normally very calm Labrador through the automatic car wash. The kind where you put your car in neutral and roll along the tracks. We didn't think anything of it. Doorbells, fireworks, lightning, other dogs; our dog doesn't react to anything. That day we learned that car washes makes her flip her s**t. Once the brushes started hitting the car our dog started running laps inside the car s******g the whole way. It first started as solid turds but quickly devolved into the squirts. Worst 90 seconds ever. It took hours to clean up that crime scene. In hindsight I was an idiot for taking her through it... I wasn't even angry. I felt horrible for literally scaring the s**t out of my dog.

My cat once caught a falcon, but didn't k**l him. He dragged the bird into the house and set him free. Great, thanks Carlos for this. I always wanted a nearly unharmed predatory bird in my house to s**t all over my place, while you are just lying there on the couch watching the show how I am trying to get the bird out of the house. Next time, just k**l the stuff you hunt, okay!?

The next door neighbour's kid was terrified of dogs. We had a big labrador, and whenever he came near, the kid would cross his arms and freeze. The dog just p*ssed on his leg as he stood there frozen.

My cat wanted pets at some random time in the middle of the night. After waking up both of us, my wife shoved him off the bed. So he jumped back up and proceeded to teabag her. Literally rubbed his little cat sack across her face.

I was feeding my snake (live mice) and the mice dodged his attacked. He ended up biting himself and tried to eat himself. I had to pry his mouth open with a butter knife to get himself off himself.

This little s**t has eaten $200+ in phone chargers and ethernet cables in the year I've had him.

I've tried buying him more toys to offset boredom. I've tried rubbing the cords down with apple bitter, apple vinegar, lemon juice, and even hot sauce (the only result is the funny face he makes while chewing). I have tried spraying him with water or distracting by throwing toys/treats across the room. Nothing!
For clarification, I am indeed talking about an a*****e cat.

Birds. They're like flying toddlers. In the past few years I've had:

Wicker lamps fall apart from being chewed,
multiple rescues from mugs or glasses,
poo on my TV,
pages torn from a book I was trying to read,
guests being 'scouted' and eventually dive-bombed,
unsuccessful attempts to perch on people's noses,
attempts to get food from people's mouths mid-chew,
pooing in guests' hair,
ripping the buttons off the TV remote,
sitting on my laptop/phone/tablet and attempting to pull it apart,
Splashing about in whatever liquid is available (think thrashing wings and imagine the mess),
Competitions to see if they can be louder than TV / Vacuum cleaner / sneezing.

You might think they are badly behaved, but I can assure you they know what they are doing and even watch for my reaction. If I'm not paying attention they shout at me until I do. They know not to sit on the TV but as soon as my back is turned they are there. I get up to move them and they fly off 'laughing'. The rest of the time, little cuddly angels.



I love them though.

While camping my dog barfed into my open snoring mouth.

I once pretended to die in front of my dog to see how he would react. The whole shebang, walking around the yard, clutched my chest, became a crumpled heap on the floor. He ran over (success!..?), sniffed my carcass, stepped on my boob (he's 30kg), and then ran a metre away and peed whilst staring at my dead body.