“Nope. Nopity Nope”: 43 First Dates That Were An Absolute Nightmarish Disaster

I went on a first date when I was in college - a blind date. He suggested that we drive to the beach and spend the day there. When I arrived to pick him up, he got in the car and, after about 15 minutes later said, "Well, you're no Miss America, but you'll do". We were still on the highway driving and had another hour or so before reaching the beach. The conversation got worse and worse - he was obnoxious, rude, a total jerk. Finally, when we stopped at a rest area and he went to the restroom, I put all of his stuff out at the door and left him there. That was decades ago, but I'll always remember it.

Date from OKCupid, we had been talking for a few days and decided spur of the moment to go out that day since we were bored and had nothing better to do. Picked a spot to meet and she asked me to decide where to go, since she was new to the area and I had grown up here.

She was feeling pizza, and instead of my usual spot (a well known local place that's absolutely tiny but has some of the best pizza around, and a great staff), I took her to a place up the street that I hadn't been to in years, but remembered as being slightly nicer, with a more interesting menu. We got there and the guy behind the counter told us he was new and running the place solo, and all he knew how to do was heat up the slices the last guy had left. That should've been our sign to go to a different place, but it was cold and rainy out, so we decided to stick around.

We sat down and immediately I started realizing how far downhill this place had gone. It was dirtier than I remembered, there were a couple guys rolling blunts in the corner, and a table near ours had a pitcher of beer even though I'm certain none of the kids there were old enough to legally drink. The pizza was fine, I was awkward as hell and super aware that I'd made a horrible choice of venue so I could barely hold a conversation with her. She seemed smart, thoughtful, empathetic, and she was cute, and I knew I had totally blown it, and that's all I could think about. Date ended fairly quickly after we finished eating, and I left knowing I'd never see her again.

We just celebrated the 4th anniversary of that date last week, and she's sleeping next to me in our apartment as I write this, with our cat snuggled up to her. I have no idea what possessed me to even ask if she'd be interested in a "re-do" or what possessed her to say yes, but the second one and every date since has been better. The pizza place didn't fare as well as us, it closed 6 weeks later.

Not technically a “date” but I was talking to this guy for a couple weeks on tinder. We texted and FaceTimed all day and we got along really well. He was out of state for work so I agreed to pick him up from the airport and give him a ride when he came back. I brought my dog with me because I had taken him to the park right before that, and he had told me he loved dogs and that wouldn’t be a problem, he was excited to meet him. My dog had come up to say hi to him, and no joke, this dude YELLED at him and shoved him back in the backseat. I pulled over, told him to gtfo and drove away.

Went on a date from Tinder (first mistake) drove about an hour to meet her at her place. She looked nothing like her pictures. We went out to get drinks at a popular bar and during my first drink, after her second she was already sloppy and a mess. I knew then I was going to stop drinking so I could drive home. I just chugged water all night while she kept the drinks going despite my advice on slowing down.
I get her back to her place and mention I will use the restroom then drive home. While I'm gone she **HIDES** my car keys.. I walk out of the bathroom and she explains that she is wasted so I must be wasted to and she will not let me drive an hour home. After some discussion I knew there was no getting through to her, she told me I had two options sleep with her in her bed or sleep on her couch. I opted for the couch... I laid there from 2 am to 5 am and then woke her up and demanded my keys. I tore her apartment apart looking for the keys and they were in her pockets the whole time...
I left and blocked her right away. I haven't been on dating apps since.

This guy invited me to a movie. He showed up 20 minutes late with no communication about it. He looked 100 pounds heavier than his photos and smelled awful. Afterward the first thing he did was complain about his ex wife. I said, “best of luck to you, I’m not interested” and blocked him.

Drove an hour to meet a girl for a sushi date, inland, on the east coast. We were really connecting until I offered to buy her a drink at the place next door and she said “I have a confession, please don’t hate me but I’m not 21 I’m actually 17” and proceeded to show me her license which clearly stated she was born in 01.

I immediately got up, paid the bill and drove back to the city I was living in and blocked her. I’m not going to jail for anyone.

Met for coffee, and when he arrived, found out he had NO INSIDE VOICE.

I lowered my voice BUT IT DIDN'T WORK. Now I'm practically whispering, BUT HE'S NOT TAKING THE HINT!

Finally drag him outside to say that I'm really uncomfortable with him shouting all my business to everyone in the coffee shop and he tells me HES BEEN TOLD THIS BEFORE.

Nope. Nopity nope. Nice to meet you and good luck.

I went in a date with a girl who was easily 100 lbs over her posted pictures on the dating site I met her on ( not even talking about angles pics, she straight up used old pictures when she was much thinner on her profile). Despite the obvious deception I made the effort to go out so even though I was not attracted to her and a little put out she obviously deceived me with her profile pics, I’ll at least have a conversation with them, but this took the cake. In the first 30 min of our conversation, I found out that she didn’t tell me before that 1. She’s married. 2. Her husband is in prison. 3. She’s 12 days sober. 4. She has three kids all possessed by the legal system.
I didn’t feel bad when I said I needed to leave and I just have a $20 to the bartender to cover mu tab but didn’t pay for a single drink for her. Pro tip: don’t lie about who you are, it won’t ever work out.

Met a guy for coffee, and after an hour of small talk. A woman walked up to our table and tearfully introduced herself as HIS WIFE! Turns out he was a lying liar, and not a divorcée. Mortified.

ETA: There were one or two questions asking for more details so I thought I would update!
I will never forget what she said to me. She stuck her hand out and said, “ Hello dear. I’m his wife”. I was in such a shock I could only shake her hand and say ‘Hello’. The dude immediately stood up and rushed her out of the Starbucks. He said nothing to me in that moment but did try to text me the next week.

Second date but, was speaking to a guy from Tinder for about 6 weeks. Met one time before this and it went well. Messaging everyday and had lots of chemistry.

He was from a couple hours out of town so we went halvies on a hotel room. He was meant to arrive sometime in the afternoon. Ended up getting in past 7pm.... but instead of coming to the hotel, he went to meet his friends at the footy. He finally got to the hotel around 10pm and told me I was so lucky because he left the game early for me and he has never done that for a girl before.

Gee, thanks but no thanks.

I worked at a fast food restaurant at 24 and a guy came in with his mom. Later he came in and asked me out for ice cream. I got all dressed up and looked cute. He showed up in sweat pants. He told me he wasnt gonna ask me out because it didnt look like I was going anywhere in life but his mom told him to(he was 24 as well). He than goes on about this board game he created in the style of league of legends. He didnt ask me any questions, didnt engage with me, just talked about his board game. Than out of the blue he tells me he has a girlfriend (excuse me?) but that she was ugly. He explained that she was a 3 on a scale of 0-10 but I was a 5 so I was an upgrade! I had no idea I was that low on the rating scale at this point and didnt realise people even rated people out loud at our age...He than goes on about how his gfs a starfish in bed and didnt have a job. Apparently her parents gave her money because they were rich. I was way to nice to walk out on this date so I literally gave him dating advice...on our date. Than at the end he said he needed to go because he said he'd play video games with friends. He paid for the ice cream on the date and he literally said "dont worry about paying me back, I make a lot of money." Than left. That one messed me up...

My FIRST date, actually. With a friend of a friend, summer after junior year of high school.

She suggested we go to a cute coffee house, I thought it’d be perfect since we both love coffee. Plus, me being brand new to dating, I JUMPED at the chance to plan a whole day together doing “mini-dates” since we really hit it off and had a ton of chemistry, it seemed like, before I even asked her out.

The coffee house she suggested was one where a former fling worked at. She acted all embarrassed, like she didn’t pick the location. Me being gullible, thought it was an honest blunder and wanted to continue with the day we had planned.

She was on her phone for a good chunk, but I chose to ignore it. I guess I realized it was a red flag, but I was so stoked to be on my first date that I didn’t know that I should expect better.

Next thing I remember, she asks me if I wanted anything else, I said no, I was just finishing my coffee figured she was using that as an out to make a phone call or whatever, her being on her phone a lot and all.

Then I look up and she’s talking with her former fling, then they walk out together.

I thought they were arguing(?) or SOMETHING else, so I give her a few minutes. Texted her something like “get lost on the way?”.... no response. Then a few minutes later I texted “you ok?”... no response.

I paid for our coffees and left. Never heard from her again.

Setting: His favorite bar, which was the bar inside of a movie theater lobby.

He showed me many selfies of him at Disney. He went weekly. He lived 2 hours away, he did not have children. 5 minutes into the date he grabbed my face while announcing that he gives great face massages. Seems genuinely shocked that I didn't want one.

Ten minutes after meeting him I was at the pub nextdoor, telling the bartender about my night. I was given a free appetizer in sympathy, so overall it was a win.

I had a bumble coffee date with a guy who showed up straight from the gym, smelly and all. Non stop talked about his bouncer stories and acted out with loud yelling and swearing and gestures how he would beat people up. Then topped it off with telling me about how he hates drunk hysteric girls and wished he could punch their teeth in.

Needless to say I excused myself early, and when he messaged me the next day with ‘thought I scared you off’, I blocked him.

Met a guy on plenty of fish. Half way through the date he tells me he just got out of san Quintan, did 20 years. I was scared out of my brain. I sat there through the rest of the date, went home and changed my phone number.

I had a date with a guy off an app that wouldnt stop name dropping that he knew neil gaiman. But he didnt even really know him, his friend did and theyd met once. He did not ask me about myself at all and i could barely get a word in. I just excused myself and left.
I was like 🤔 this is so pointless.

He talked nonstop about his childhood for almost 2 hours and judged me when I wasn't as knowledgeable about physics as he was. Halfway through he told me he had anti-social personality disorder - he was a sociopath. I think he tried to follow me to my car to make sure I got there okay, but I quickly made an excuse and bolted to my car and drove off. That was a big nope.

He didn’t know where salt came from. he asked me where i thought salt came from. i said salt deposits. he asked the waiter where he thought salt came from. he also said salt deposits. he asked the table of 2 older couples next to us where THEY thought salt came from...

he vaped and they asked him to stop. he mumbled curses when the staff member left and kept vaping. he got super drunk super fast and i now wonder if he was on anything else. he got up to talk to people at different tables. so embarrassing. he talked trash on his ex the whole time. she didn’t do anything remotely rude or offensive in his stories about her. i wish my date had been with her instead.

The worst date I’ve ever been on was one where I kissed this guy at a party and I swear to god, when I rocked up to see him again (wasn’t super keen, he seemed a bit weird but he insisted on catching up for lunch a week after because he didn’t like the idea of “kissing someone once”), it was a different guy. I was SO confused. He looked completely different, and I hadn’t been drinking at the party. I remember specifically the guy I kissed had a gap between his front teeth which I thought was cute, and this guy didn’t. Different hair colour, different voice, everything, he was even shorter than the guy I had kissed. I tried really hard to not make it obvious that I was confused and when he went to the toilet, I facebooked him and saw I was right. When I confronted him, he just bailed. Like, got up and ran. I saw the guy I kissed about a year later, and he admitted to me he’d given my number to this other guy because he complained that he’d “cut his lunch” and they both thought I had been drinking and wouldn’t have noticed it was this other guy.

Within the first hour, a girl sang me the entire 3 minute version of little mermaids "part of your world" and it was so cringy cause i had no idea what to do with myself the entire time, so i would just kind of nod and smile.

She was not a good singer.