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For centuries, people have tried throwing science, money and complicated numbers at dating. But just like Psyche, the Greek goddess of the soul who was the only one immune to Cupid's arrow, love similarly seems bulletproof from any artificial, logic-will-conquer-all shots. There are a handful of apps and a thing called Google, which is used by almost 1-in-2 singles to background-check their dates. Though, we often feel like we're not entirely convinced whether the algorithms did more bad than good to this already bewildering ritual that only has two possible outcomes.
In order to understand where some of these dates have gone wrong, we have reached out to James Preece, dating and relationship expert and the host of the 'Love Machine' podcast. One of the first misconceptions that UK's very own Hitch shatters is: nothing good will come out of the first date had at the restaurant or a diner. "Dinner dates are far too intense [for a first meeting]. It can go on too long and it's too grown up as well," Preece told Bored Panda.
Besides the obvious risks — ruining your favorite restaurant for yourself or chewing with your mouth wide open (behavior that has a surprising 52% chance of putting your date off) — James instead suggests kicking off your date with a place with a bit more pizzazz.
"I don't think it's a good idea to go to a generic coffee or tea shop and just have a regular coffee because most of us already do that every day," he explained. "No one wants to go on a first date and look back on it in five years' time and say, 'Do you remember our first date in Starbucks?'" Turns out, not only does Starbucks serve as a go-to place for Vanilla Lattes; the world's leading coffeehouse is also the most popular spot for first dates.
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Sarah Louise Ryan, a matchmaker and dating expert based in London, shares the same sentiment as James. She emphasizes the importance of a memorable first date and says that love and connection some of us are yearning for oftentimes make us forget that excitement is always a good aphrodisiac.
"When you create a focus on an activity, singles take the pressure off dating and create an experience for themselves whether the chemistry is there or not," Ryan told us. Besides not recommending to opt for wine and dine dates at least for the first couple of meetings, Sarah suggests cooking classes ("immersive and will enable both parties to see how each other connects and communicates with others"), breakout rooms or crazy golf as giddy and memorable alternatives.
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After Covid rampaged throughout the entire world and made us do the responsible thing by isolating ourselves from the rest of society, dating as we knew it changed. Even as the pandemic winds down, people ask the all-knowing internet if they can 'fall in love over Zoom' — the virtual placeholder for all your Starbucks dates (minus the overpriced java and facemasks). When asked the same question, Sarah and James think the virtual spark, however attractive and comfy, is no match for the real deal.
"Zoom calls have their place and time, but they should not be a date replacement. They should be there to get to know each other, have a relatively short call," Preece explains. The problem with virtual dates, both matchmakers say, lies in the lack of touch and eye contact — the salt and pepper of basic laws of attraction. "When it comes to the scene," he continues, "we can only give the illusion of eye contact. But it's not the real thing."
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However, if you don't feel confident enough to step back in on the terra firma just yet, or your date suddenly tests positive for Covid — there are a few tips that might increase your chances of meeting the lucky one face-to-face (and we're not talking about another Zoom date). As most of us already spend a great deal of our daily time staring at flashing 4x4 squares, Sarah says the most important when having a Zoom date is keeping the atmosphere relaxed. "Relax and pour yourself a glass of (same) wine and engage in the process," Ryan explained. Besides that, treating the virtual date as if it's a real thing — dressing up, creating an ambiance, trying to not sweat too much — is also very important, Sarah reminds us.
"The other thing to remember," Preece chips in, "is that you want to save something when you do meet them." What he meant is not overdoing a Zoom date as if it's your only shot at the person. Trying to illustrate what he meant by that, James told about his past client who was 'ghosted' after what at the time seemed like an outstanding virtual date. "I had a client who had a 4.5-hour-long first date with somebody. They got through two and a half bottles of wine in that time each. And she never heard from the date ever again," Preece said. Reason? They both used up all their 'ammunition' and "nothing was left to discuss next time."
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Scrolling through these 'first date from hell' stories, it becomes easy to see why 75% of single Americans find dating 'very' or 'somewhat difficult.' When most of them end up being 'ghosted', 'catfished' or straight-up embarrassed — how could you not?
Asked for advice on how to excuse yourself from a derailing date, both James and Sarah say honesty is the way to go. "If things are going absolutely terribly, sometimes people want to ride it out just so they've got a funny story to tell their friends," Preece explained. As Sarah, a firm believer in karma of dating, tells us: "Just talk to them, let them know (how you really feel) and make your exit kindly."
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