RelationshipsAPR 5, 2023

Someone Asks Married Women “What Are The Unspoken Rules For A Successful Marriage” And They Deliver 30 Illuminating Responses

When you are getting married, you don’t really expect it to be tough. If anything, it seems like you’re diving headfirst into an infinite honeymoon with a happy ending.

This couldn’t be further from the truth, say people who have been married for a while. They warn us that marriage is the game of a lifetime, where you have to put in a lot of work to get the result you want.

So when someone asked “Married women, what are the unspoken rules for a successful marriage?” on the Ask Women subreddit, the illuminating responses and genuinely useful pieces of advice started flooding in.

To find out more about how to navigate through a successful marriage, Bored Panda reached out to Laura Wasser, a family law expert and chief of divorce evolution at Divorce.com. Laura is a sought-after voice on TV and in print on women’s issues, the evolution of divorce, and entrepreneurship and she happily shared some useful insights.

#1

Someone Asks Married Women “What Are The Unspoken Rules For A Successful Marriage” And They Deliver 30 Illuminating Responses

Something I just learned after 25 years,

"Tell me what you think I said"

So many fights, accusations, and cheating was because he "heard" something other than what I said.

Hearing is NOT the same as listening

foureveralways, Priscilla Du Preez

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145points

Laura explained that a successful marriage requires a harmonious blend of various elements, including communication, trust, empathy, and adaptability.

“Open and honest dialogue fosters understanding between partners, allowing them to navigate life's challenges together,” she said. Moreover, Laura argues that “trust is the foundation upon which a strong relationship is built, fostering a sense of security and emotional intimacy.”

Meanwhile, empathy is equally important since it “enables individuals to perceive and appreciate their partner's feelings and experiences, fostering a deep emotional connection.”

#2

It's us against the world, baby.

But seriously, we're a team. I'm his biggest fan and he's mine. We support each other, we believe if one of us succeeds we both succeed and if one is us falls behind, the other helps them catch up or takes the lead for a bit.

Also, it helps if you like to do different chores.

girlwithsilvereyes, Everton Vila

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103points

#3

Be true friends first. Its easier to be married to a best friend, that never goes away. Lust goes away pretty fast.

staysmokin91, Taylor Smith

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101points

Marriage also requires adaptability, which enables couples to grow together by embracing change and evolving with life's circumstances, Laura continues.

“Cultivating these elements, alongside a shared vision and commitment to nurturing the relationship, paves the way for a thriving, long-lasting marriage,” she explained.

“Naturally, each marriage is one of a kind, and there isn't a single recipe for triumph. However, focusing on vital aspects and constantly working to strengthen the bond helps partners lay a solid groundwork for a long-lasting, satisfying union.”

#4

Understand that some things are just going to be the price of admission and accept the person you married. Leaves a trail of c**p when they come home for the day or forget the wet towel on the bed... easier to pick it up rather than get angry and just accept it's part of getting this person in your life.

Sometimes the price of admission is too damn high (insert random destructive behavior). For me, the wet towel is annoying but it's worth the price of admission.

Nuchie129, Priscilla Du Preez

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93points

#5

Like each other. If your whole relationship is based on looks, sex, and romantic attraction it's not going to last. You're both going to get old and ugly someday (if you're lucky), and sometimes sooner than later.

If you don't find each other interesting as people, or have a genuine fondness for the other person.... your relationship is probably not going to last through the first serious illness or personal struggle.

strikes-twice

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79points

#6

1. Have sex with your spouse. If it feels like it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, communicate a plan to have sex.

2. “I told you so” doesn’t make any situation better. Always consider if you’d rather be happy or be right.

3. Acknowledge the little things your spouse does. When they’ve made you happy, let them know.

littleAggieG, Karolina Grabowska

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76points

While each couple's journey is unique, there are several prevalent reasons why married couples divorce that emerge time and again.

First, it’s communication breakdown. “Open and honest communication is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. When couples struggle to express their feelings, needs, and concerns effectively, misunderstandings and resentment can build up, leading to a fractured bond,” Laura said.

#7

They're not a mind reader - Whatever you expect, whatever is on your mind, spell it out clearly.

Edit: inclusivity

Amarminalie, Cody Black

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75points

#8

Take accountability and apologize. It’s us vs the problem.

Mapamela_, Külli Kittus

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68points

#9

My husband knew a couple who disagreed on where the tomato sauce (ketchup) belonged. One said pantry, the other said fridge. Every screaming argument they had spiralled back to the bottle of sauce. My husband suggested getting a bottle each to avoid the fight all together. This resulted in another screaming match, because it was never about the bottle it was about who was right.

My husband and I live by the analogy that we can have “two bottles of sauce” to avoid the fight.

TigerMumNZ, BBiDDac

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64points

Another reason why people end their marriage comes down to infidelity. “Trust is paramount in a marriage, and infidelity, whether emotional or physical, can shatter that trust irreparably. The act of betrayal often signifies deeper issues within the relationship, making it challenging for couples to rebuild and move forward.”

Financial issues can also make partners end their marriage. “Disagreements arise from disparities in income, contrasting spending habits, or conflicting financial goals. When couples are unable to communicate and collaborate on their financial future effectively, it exacerbates existing problems and contributes to the decision to divorce,” Laura explained.

#10

Don’t let yourself be a doormat, but pick your battles. Communicate, compliment good intentions, learn your partner’s needs and be there for them in hard times. Lean on them in your hard times and try to create fun times as much as possible.

Myshellel, Liza Summer

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60points

#11

Have something you laugh about together often or every day. My hubs makes me laugh every day. It’s a cornerstone for us.

Share a big hug when you get home each day. Try hugging for at least 30 seconds.

Recall the early days sometimes. The falling in love. The journey.

MLAheading, Priscilla Du Preez

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59points

#12

It's not my husband's responsibility to make me happy. There have been times when my mental health hasn't been great and there was nothing he could have done to change that if he tried.
We are incredibly supportive with each other but ultimately take responsibility for our own MH and happiness.
We have been together 17 years and very happy.

Quick-Cattle-7720, Eric Ward

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58points

In some cases, incompatibility may be to blame. “Over time, individuals may evolve and grow in different directions, leading to a misalignment in values, goals, or interests. When couples are no longer compatible, they find it difficult to maintain a harmonious relationship.”

The lack of intimacy can also lead to an ended marriage. Laura said that “a decline in intimacy can signal a deeper disconnection or unresolved issues, causing couples to drift apart.”

#13

Love your partner the way they are receptive of love; not the way YOU are receptive of love. In that, also communicate clearly in which ways you are receptive of love as well.

anon, Mayur Gala

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50points

#14

Marriage is a partnership, not a codependency-ship. You each need to have some independence and your own personalities, interests, etc, as well as your relationship. Neither party should lose themselves in the other’s problems.

Try before you buy. Live together, travel together, get physically and emotionally intimate. Make difficult decisions and see how they act when they don’t get their way.

Make sure your partner’s good intent is matched by their actions, and make sure you follow through as well. Have and expect integrity.

At no time should you feel like your partner is an antagonist. They are your collaborator and equal.

cliopedant, Austin Kehmeier

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48points

#15

Oh. COMMIT. Don't have one foot out the door. Don't threaten divorce. Don't threaten to leave. If you say that, just leave. Or be prepared to work extra hard to demonstrate that you won't leave.

Commit. Don't be a pansy. Take your commitments seriously.

Emcemcemcemc

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44points

We also wondered if newlyweds sometimes have too many expectations of what their marriage and the partner they married are going to be like. Laura said that it’s not uncommon for individuals entering into marriage to hold high expectations for their life together and the qualities of their partner.

“This can be attributed to the influence of media, cultural ideals, and the natural excitement of beginning a new life chapter. While optimism is healthy, it's essential for newlyweds to recognize that no marriage or partner is perfect,” she explained.

#16

Never stop dating. Epic romances should not only happen in movies. Let yours become one.

Coloryourdreams2, René Ranisch

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41points

#17

I've been happily married for 10 years and this feels like the best time in our marriage.

Learning about each other's attachment styles is so important. No one ever told me about this, but this truly saved our marriage early on. After learning how our attachment styles affect the way we treat each other, the way we argue, and how much time we like to spend around each other it changed how we saw each other's behavior.

For example he loves to spend time with me even if it's just sitting in the same room and being near me, whereas I love to be around him, but I need my alone time to recharge. This caused issues with him feeling rejected and like I didn't love being around him and caused insecurities in him. Also, he likes to solve arguments right away and never wanted us to go to sleep mad, but I need to walk away and cool off before I say something I don't mean in the heat of the moment. I'd rather get my thoughts together and come back level headed to talk to him. After going to therapy and learning that we both need a different approach, we are able to understand each other's point of view better and know how to communicate what we need.

But really the biggest thing is communication. Everything is so much better when we're both on the same page and are making decisions together. Learn each other's strengths and work together, not against each other. He's my best friend, and it's us against the world. 🥰

anistica

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38points

#18

Understand that love is an ebb and flow. Some days you won’t feel so in love with your partner and that’s okay. This is normal in long term relationships and it passes with the right person.

Also, communication. Talk things out, take a break if it’s heated.

Have your own hobbies but make time for each other.
Still go on dates.

This is hard to explain but Don’t deny physical touch because you’re trying to stop sex from happening. This will make your partner feel rejected. (By all means it’s ok to not want to have sex, I just mean don’t swat them away when they come to give you a kiss in the kitchen, bc you’re afraid they’re going to make a move.)
I made the mistake of falling in to this habit when I went through a low sex drive phase, and my partner stopped trying to initiate sex or intimacy because he always felt rejected.
It took some time to repair that damage.

Pick your battles.

If you can, find another couple that you can double date with or hang out with. It’s nice to have a couple friendship.

Routines are wonderful and comfortable but shake them up once in awhile.

If you can, travel. Even if it’s not too far. There’s nothing more beautiful and romantic than taking a trip together and exploring a new place. It’s fun to plan and look forward to.

no_tori_ous

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36points

Laura argues that “setting realistic expectations and embracing the imperfections of both the relationship and the spouse foster growth, resilience, and a stronger bond in the long run.”

“Open communication and a willingness to adapt help couples navigate the natural ebb and flow of married life, ensuring a more fulfilling and lasting partnership,” the family law expert concluded.

#19

Allowing each other to decompress after work. I go upstairs and f**k around for about an hour while he plays video games. I put on a mask, organize my clothes, shower, do my nails, read, and watch my TV shows. Take turns with responsibilities, i.e., bathing little ones, making dinner, and doing laundry. If he has the time in his schedule, he’ll do it. If I have the time in my schedule, I’ll do it. At this point, he has more free time, so he does more chores, but I bring in more money right now. It’s balanced.

Tag team EVERYTHING. Teamwork really makes the dream work. If things seem unfair to you sometimes, they likely are, and that’s normal. But I guarantee things are equally unfair for him/her/them at times.

Neither partner should ever have to compromise what they want and need for the other person. You both should work hard to make sure everyone gets as big a piece of the pie as they want, even if you both have to make two pies.

Edit: I also want to add, don’t get mad at your partner for something you don’t want them to get mad at you about. If they forget to give the dog their medicine when it is their job that day, let it go. Speak up when it’s an ongoing thing, but we all get tired and let things slip once in a while. Let it go. Let the dishes sit in the sink once in a while, let the dog poop sit in the yard for a few days, get fast food when you’re both too tired to cook. If you can say, “overall,” you’re making it. Let some things slide.

corkybelle1890, Sora Khan

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31points

#20

Don't rush into a marriage. Be together for years so you know everything about each other, and make sure you're on the same page with dealbreakers. No one's gonna change their mind for the other person with a dealbreaker after marriage, nor should they be expected to.

WrestlingWoman, Samantha Gades

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30points