50 Men Who Were So Helpless, Their Partners Felt More Like Caretakers Than Girlfriends

It’s so exhausting. My husband actually does a lot at home (will make doc and dentist appointments for the kids, take them, does the dishes etc), but the emotional labor piece— like just knowing that the kids *need* the appointments, knowing what is needed to be addressed at the appointments, everything under that umbrella falls to me. And it’s so frustrating!

Like, you live in this house, with these kids, and I always catch him up on everything to do with the kids, so it’s not like he’s out of the loop. But when it comes time for said appointments, while he will call to make the appointment and take them, I have to tell him what needs to be talked about, make him a list of what meds or supplements they’re taking.

Or if I ask him to take on a task, for instance, today we were going to a grad party for a friend’s teen, I asked him to go to the store to get a card, he’s texting me from the store to ask which card to get. Like…none of this actually takes that much off my plate. Because I still have to manage the whole endeavor.

And I feel like if I don’t “micromanage”, and when I have in the past tried to peace out of doing so, it’s not done correctly, and I don’t mean that in a controlling way, more like: for instance, he accompanied our daughter to an appointment with her psychiatrist and (although I had told him all the details before the appointment and he and I agreed on a plan), he misstated the dosage of SSRIs she was on and kind of went rogue with what he and I had discussed, and it all ended up with this plan for her that was not actually going to work. So I had to contact the doctor to rectify it.

Argh!!! Like it’s almost more work for me if I don’t just do it myself sometimes. And I feel like it’s a bit of weaponized incompetence. When I talked with him after that psychiatrist appointment and expressed frustration, he was like, “you just know more about this, so maybe you should be the one to handle it.” 😩

That’s a good thing you recognized this. As a divorced 45 year old who had some similar experience in marriage, that means you are healing and moving on. I was married 18 years, been divorced 7 years. It took me alot of these years to figure out how exhausting it was and what was in me that I had to heal that allowed it to go on for so long.
I worked full time, went to school full time, cooked, cleaned, ran the household, was a full time mom when I was home. I did the grocery shopping, the laundry, bills, doctors, everything you could think of. He wasn’t much help because I enabled him. He also would call me and ask random s**t after divorce. I didn’t realize how much I was taking on until I stepped back and saw it. I have basically raised my kids who are now young adults, all by myself with their dad “watching them” when needed. I am grateful I finally got out and I’m much happier. I would rather be a single mom than a married and miserable one.

Yes this is one of my main issues that I need to address in myself. I’ve been not just “man-keeping” but also “mom-keeping, friend-keeping,” etc. my whole life. I’ve run myself into the ground taking care of everyone, not having boundaries, and not expecting anything from anyone ever. I’m determined to change because I’ve literally hit rock bottom and I’m so tired of always being on my own, always doing for everyone, always trying to not ever burden anyone but taking on their burdens like they’re mine, and watching my life unravel over and over because of my unhealthy patterns. Going forward I’m taking care of myself and my family and anyone I allow in my life will be self sufficient and willing and able to put in at least equal effort towards life together. I’m ready to be cared for. I’ve been through too much to be proud. I’m just tired and I want to rest with someone.

It's exhausting. I've been married 20 years, and just this year, I've started to realize how little my husband can do on his own. He's such a good guy and has always treated me so well, but he wants a mom, not a partner. Like, if I don't ask him to do something, it won't get done. If I don't make dinner, instead of making something for himself, he just door dashes, lol.

My ex was like this too. All of the bills were in his name so sometimes I didn't see them. Especially when they were just delivered through email. At one point we were overpaying our utilities by a couple hundred dollars a month. I asked him why he wouldn't call the company to see what was going on. It turned out he was still paying utilities at his old house and our new house. We got $1,000 credit. He would have happily continued just paying those utilities rather than making one phone call. The same thing with his car. It would start making a noise or something would break and he would rather drive it around until it was broke beyond repair rather than go to a mechanic. I think part of the stems from him growing up with a very privileged childhood and parents was a lot of money. He didn't really have to solve a lot of his own problems.

After my husband and I separated but were still living together prepping the house for sale, there was one tiny incident that made me so incredulous at his lack of processing ability. 


I had done the clutter-hiding before one of our open houses, and had taken the shower caddy down and removed the towels. 


After the open he decided to shower, and this genius without a second thought just jumped in. Then he's yelling for me to bring the caddy and a towel. Annoying, but the worst thing was after the shower he COULD NOT figure out how to rehang the caddy. I had to put it back up for him, and I was so angry that yet again, I was the one doing all of the THINKING.


It was nice of him to be giving all these reminders of why we were breaking up.

Emotional labor is so under recognized. But you know now!

This is a really clear explainer: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/.

The older I've gotten the more I realise how dumb I was in the past. Just allowing my boundaries to be trampled, feelings hurt, whatever because I was dumb enough to think that's all I was worth.

Yesterday we went to a friend's funeral. Afterwards my husband asked if I would remarry when he died. I turned to him and said "no, but what if I die before you?"

And he said he hopes not because he doesn't know how he'd survive without me. And whilst it sounds sweet, it made me realise just how much I do for him. The weaponised incompetence is real.

Is it normalized in your family or culture.

My family has the man is the provider mindset so women are raised doing literally everything else. Women like my grandma were "lucky" in the sense that the men were handy men and at least fixed up their homes, cars, etc. My x did not have these skills, and would get mad when I would ask for a gardener because how dare I ask another man to do his job. A job he didn't want and would not do!

So many of us do all roles.

My new favorite man cooks, cleans, is handy, and loves planning vacations. He is amazing.

It's conditioning. It's also probably how you were taught to be worthy of love.

Overfunctioning is a relationship red flag that we don't even see.

As a young adult (with no couple role models in my life) I was surprised to see how many of my elderly male patients didn't know their own meds because their wife put them in the pill organizer for them or didn't know how to pay their own bills after their wife died. Like, doing admission questions and I have to wait for the wife because the man can't even answer questions about himself? I thought my dad was an exception being a worthless lump and always assumed functional families had dependable dads. I make it a point to not take on too much with my husband and make him do some of the adulting, because otherwise he gets complacent.

It is as invisible to them as it is to us. I know someone who got cheating on his wife. He didn't want to pay child support, and she couldn't afford a legal battle, so she gave him custody and only gets the two boys every other weekend. She also couldn't afford to live in the city they were in by herself, so she moved about 1.5 hours away. She pays child support, and he is miserable trying to do it alone. He asked his Mom to come stay with him during the summers, and his dad called him and told him to eff off.

We were conditioned to take care of certain whole aspects of a partnership, even while times were changing, forcing women out to work without any willingness of our 'men' to step up at home.

It sucked but most of us were like frogs in a pot of water on the stove, not really 'noticing' how much harder our lives were getting, while the 'men' were content with added worry about their earnings cutting the mustard. All the while our labour supplemented theirs in and out of the home. Bastards.

I lasted 30 years too long, but there we were.

My ex has ASD. I did all the emotional lifting, and all the messy adulting (dealing with humans).

He lived the life of a 14 year boy. He did do some cleaning. He went to work. That was pretty much it.

I’m not that good of a person over look what I needed in a relationship and be satisfied that he could give next to nothing emotionally. That wasn’t his fault. His brain just doesn’t see it. I got tired of being his mother/cheerleader/coach.

Ex was diagnosed at 50. We broke up a year later. I’m much more happier. He and his family are not, because they have to deal with him now.

He is great as a see every so many months friend. Day in and day out partner. Nope.

So many of us have wasted years learning this lesson the hard way, but like you the important thing is that I freed myself. Not everyone can. So even though I have regrets, painful regrets, and I feel foolish from time to time about all of it, I try to focus on the facts that (eventually) I listened to myself, I trusted my gut that things were not going to change, and I left a situation that was fundamentally making the life I wanted for myself impossible. That I am someone I can trust, I am someone I can rely on.

The Mental Load is exhausting.

Thank you for summarizing why i am single. Doing my own adult s**t is difficult enough; I could never manage it for someone else too.
The mankeeping is right up there with the weaponized incompetence smh.

Wow. It is amazing how many of us have suffered the same relationship, only to come out on the end and realize how much more peaceful life is without a soul sucking leach attached to us. The amount of peace on the other side is life changing!

I dated a guy for a year who went grocery shopping NOT ONCE. He also never cleaned. And I am chronically ill. I felt so stupid when I figured out this huge imbalance. But somehow he had explanations that made sense in the moment - that I was pickier about the food and that I eat more than him…. And other excuses I fell for. Anyways, you’re not alone and I’m glad you’re seeing the light.

For me? My mom did it. Felt normal to do it when it was “my turn”0.