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We reached out to the author of this post, peanutstail, to talk about how it feels to receive unasked-for comments and why do some men say them in the first place. The user got the idea for this thread after going to a club with a friend: “A guy I was chatting with randomly telling me it looked like I ‘didn’t take very good care of my hair,’ she told Bored Panda.
“I was so taken aback by his blunt, completely unnecessary, and insulting comment that came completely out of the blue that I didn’t even know what to say.” When peanutstail got home that night, she started reflecting on her past experiences with men where they “nonchalantly gave me rude, hurtful, and unsolicited comments about my appearance (specifically my hair; I have naturally frizzy hair so this is always the one they go for).”
She continued: “Honestly, thinking about it made me so pissed that I just wanted to blow off some steam, and I figured what better place to do that than Reddit? And since I know this is a very common phenomenon with women, I wanted to hear other women’s stories about rude comments they’ve gotten about their appearance from men.”
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The author admits that she expected to get more than a few replies, but honestly didn’t think it would blow up as much as it did: “I think how much it resonated with all the women on this subreddit shows just how big of an issue this is.”
Also, peanutstail mentioned that many people found it relevant because this is an extremely common occurrence in our patriarchal society. “Since society seems to equate a woman’s worth with how closely she meets conventional beauty standards,” many men seem to feel like they must “point out when the women in their lives don’t measure up to those standards,” she explained.
“It’s honestly heartbreaking, because so many of us try and actively coach ourselves to not base our self-worth solely on our appearance, and one off-handed comment from some [jerk] at a bar can single-handedly undo a lot of the mental work we’ve done to value ourselves for who we are and be comfortable in our own skin.”
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What’s even worse, many of the commenters wrote that some of the most hurtful things said to them “came from their male family members, specifically their male family members comparing them to their cousins/sisters/mothers.” Not to mention that some women revealed that guys made “sexual comments about them when they were as young as 8 or 9. Even more disturbing is that oftentimes these comments came from close male family members.”
“Another crucial thing to take away from this post is that women are not safe from these comments at any age, and we need to do everything in our power to protect our young girls,” the author explained. “The sad thing is that there is no age limit for female sexual objectification, and we need to raise awareness on just how damaging this objectification is to our long-term mental health, safety, and self-image.”
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When asked why do some guys believe they have the right to comment on a woman’s looks, the author revealed that it’s hard to give a clear-cut answer. “I think that part of the reason men tend to comment so openly and unthinkingly on our appearance is that they naturally tend to be more blunt and open about things with their male friends, and since they say these types of things to their buddies, they think that it’s okay to say it to us.”
It could partly come from an inability to see things from our perspective: “Men aren’t valued solely based on their appearance in our society, so while negative comments they receive about their appearance may make them upset, I don’t think they can truly relate to the sense of degradation and loss of self-worth women experience from such comments.”
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Peanutstail wanted to add that since our patriarchal society “holds women to such unrealistic beauty standards, men experience shock and disappointment when women in real life both don’t meet those standards or choose to abide by them.”
“A core belief of the patriarchy is that the female body is solely for male enjoyment and pleasure,” the author added. “And so when a woman … wears whatever she wants to feel comfortable in her own skin, men implicitly feel like it is an affront to their right to enjoy her body, and they thus feel the need to make their displeasure known.”
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It’s important to note that “obviously not every man thinks this way, and there are plenty of nice and polite men out there who kindly keep their mouths shut about the way their female colleagues look.” However, the user thinks that the vast majority of these nasty comments “can be attributed to the factors listed above.”
So if we want to see change, we need to start conversations about such remarks: “As with all women’s issues, I think it’s important we raise awareness of this phenomenon both so men can realize that their words have consequences, and continue to break down these completely unattainable and unrealistic beauty standards that have kept women in chains for years.”
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Tons of dudes can't tell what makeup looks like at all. I'm embarrassed for them when they say stuff about it.
She’s hoping that discussions about this problem “will show just how rampant female objectification is and the devastating effects it has on our psyche for years to come.”
“Hopefully, enough men will see this post and learn to think more carefully before they make any potentially hurtful, appearance-related comments to the women in their lives, and all of the women who see this post will be reminded that they should stand up for themselves when men say such things to them.”
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