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According to the author of the thread, it was nice to hear from so many different people and to hear their perspectives, even though she didn't expect her question to get so much attention. Redditor u/Upstairs-Fox917 opened up to Bored Panda that the inspiration behind her post was the fact that her own 5-year relationship was in the process of ending.
"At that point, I was struggling with how to know when the relationship is no longer worth salvaging, and was on a break with my partner. I honestly think it was that same day that I officially cut ties. I think it resonated with so many because people, especially women, have a tendency to keep trying to make things work. They know how good things can be, how good things were, and want to get back to that place," she shared with us.
However, the author noted that, at least in her experience, it's essential to be honest with yourself about what you're fighting for in the relationship. "It honestly wasn’t until I opened up to some friends about my relationship that I accepted it wasn’t all I made it out to be. I had a partner who rarely put effort into meeting my needs or making me feel loved and appreciated. And making the post, hearing from women who ended their long term relationships and realizing that life didn’t end, that they were still able to have other fulfilling relationships, helped me accept that I could end mine too."
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Weeks go by and he hasn't. I bring it up and he says he doesn't know what he's supposed to say. And we argue. Two month later he broke up with me. I had nothing and nowhere to go because we weren't married. 6 years together and I was 35...it was awful. I was so stupid to keep trying. If a man wants to marry you he will. That's all I learned.
She continued: "A quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower comes to mind: 'We accept the love we think we deserve.' I think that sharing my experience and hearing from all of these other people allowed me to accept that I deserved more, as do they, and settling is not worth the sacrifice of missing out on a truly fulfilling love."
Bored Panda was interested in getting the author's thoughts about what makes for a truly great partner. In her opinion, you should aim to be with someone who has similar values and expectations, among other things.
"It’s also important to have someone who will listen and work with you, not against you, when you bring up your concerns. I’ve always believe that in a relationship, love is not enough; you need communication and effort and understanding. You can love someone but that doesn’t mean you’re compatible, and I think that being with someone who wants the same things and is willing to work with you to get them is what makes a relationship work long-term," u/Upstairs-Fox917 mused.
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So I realized that staying together would mean me having to sacrifice on things I didn't want to sacrifice on. So I left. I have no regrets.
"Feelings fade and it takes genuine effort to make a relationship work, and especially after a few years it’s very easy to become stagnant and let days pass keeping the same routine. Having someone wake up and choose you and show you what that means is vital."
Meanwhile, she shared her perspective on how someone can tell if they should break up with their partner if they feel like they're falling out of love. According to her, a lot truly depends on the particular person and the specific situation.
"For me, I talked to some close friends about it and asked myself a lot of questions: If he proposed today, would I say yes? Is the life I imagine with him one I want to live? Does having him in my space make me comfortable or tense? It was a lot of sitting with myself in discomfort, because it is really hard to admit that something you’ve put so much time and effort into isn’t working. It was also heartbreaking to end that relationship, and I mourned it. But once I started asking myself those questions I realized that I had not been happy in the relationship for months," u/Upstairs-Fox917 shared her experience with Bored Panda.
"My needs had not been met and I simply stopped asking for them to be because I thought that was normal. I think that if someone was in a similar situation as me, where they aren’t sure if they should keep working on the relationship or call it off, they need to sit with themselves. They need to be brutally honest. Maybe that comes through in journaling or in talking with friends, but they’re the only ones who can answer that question."
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The reasons behind relationships turning sour are going to be very personal. After all, nobody’s in the exact same situation as you and your partner. However, there are some general trends as to why relationships fail.
Verywell Mind points out that the main issue, at its very core, has to do with a loss of trust. “One of the foundational feelings necessary in a good relationship is a feeling of security. If you lack emotional support or find your partner unreliable, you might lose trust,” Barbara Field explains, adding that relationships that are built on mistrust aren’t likely to last long or be healthy.
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Among the behaviors that are going to harm any romantic relationship, you’ll find lying, being overly possessive, jealousy, and cheating. What’s more, ideally, you want a partner who’s good at communicating with you on a variety of topics. The conversations you have can’t be just about work, chores, meal prep, and childcare.
Somewhat ironically, arguing might not be such a bad thing. Working through conflict, looking for common ground, and coming to a compromise are the cornerstones of any successful relationship. However, when couples say that they never argue, it might mean that they avoid conflict at all costs. That means that they’ll steer clear of discussing genuinely serious issues. That, in turn, can lead to a build-up of frustration.
#14
Couples are also going to have a rough time if they don’t respect each other, have different life goals and priorities, and aren’t intimate enough with each other.
This doesn’t mean just emotional vulnerability (very vital!) but also physical intimacy. Sex is essential and helps improve a person’s emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Some people find it very hard to communicate about their sexual needs and wants, which leads to lots of tension and frustration.
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However, nobody’s a mind-reader: if there’s something you think your relationship lacks, you need to have those (initially awkward) conversations with your partner.
You should feel comfortable enough to open up to them, just as they should be able to be frank with you. You’re supposed to be on the same team after all.
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