Bye Felipe (the name is a play on the Bye Felicia meme, often used as a dismissive farewell) was created in 2014 by author, speaker, and podcast host Alexandra Tweten. It started as a means to allow women to share the most offensive messages they have received via dating sites and apps and hold men accountable for online harassment.
When Tweten started posting screenshots of her online dating misfortunes, her email flooded with submissions from others with similar experiences. "I realized these hostile messages were a trend that women see online," she told The Huffington Post. "That started a conversation about creating an Instagram to keep all of these insane messages so we could discuss them. All women get some degree of creepy or weird messages when they sign up for online dating sites."
"It's a standard reaction that I've now seen over and over again with the submissions," she noted. "Guy hits on girl, girl doesn't respond, guy lashes out with insulting message. It really shows the entitlement these guys feel, and I think it shows our cultural misogyny problem."
To better understand the world of online romance, we reached out to Abi Blears, a UK-based dating coach and matchmaker. "Apps can be a brilliant addition to meeting people in real life and enable us to connect with people we might not cross paths with otherwise. However, there are downsides to them," she told Bored Panda.
Blears explained that apps give us a false perception of having a great deal of choice and might make us feel like people are easier to replace. "They also inadvertently make us focus on things that might not be that important," she added.
"They encourage us to make snap decisions about people based on very little information. Another downside to an app is that you could fall victim to a catfish (someone who is pretending to be someone they are not), in the real world it’s harder to be misled."
When asked why so many women have online dating horror stories to share, Blears believes this is not necessarily specific to dating apps. "Everyone who has dated a lot has likely had a bad experience somewhere along the way or dated someone who behaves less than ideal. People tend to share negative experiences and remember negative experiences more readily than positive ones," she said and added that for every negative online dating story out there, there’s likely a positive one.
Yet, matching with someone on an app doesn’t have the same level of accountability compared to meeting them in real life through friends or in the workplace. "You’re more likely to be respectful of someone if you know it could impact your peer relationships or life in the future. If you meet someone on an app, there’s less of a chance that you’ll run into them in the future or that your peers will hear about any nefarious behavior," she said.
While toxic masculinity might be one of the main reasons men believe they have a right to act this way, Blears said it’s important to not encourage the narrative that men shouldn’t express their emotions. Women can be abusive too and men are less likely to report abuse because it’s deemed by some to be emasculating, she added. "That said, it’s not even nearly on the same scale and toxic masculinity does need to be explored and dealt with."
When it comes to online harassment, each situation is different. However, if someone is being directly abusive, "the best thing to do is to remove yourself from the interaction. If you’re on an app, block and report the person. It’s important to know your own boundaries and uphold them."
"For example, you might have a zero-tolerance for being sworn at and the person you’re talking to swears at you. If you think they are generally reasonable, the approach would be to express how it makes you feel when they do that, express what you want in the future, and express the consequences if they repeat to offend. Then stick to your word."
She continued: "It’s also important not to get too wrapped up with people who are only nice from time to time, if someone isn’t consistently nice then they aren’t nice and it’s not your role to change them, as tempting as that might be."
As you scroll through this post, you might feel discouraged to dive back into the deep waters of the dating pool. If that’s the case, Blears has some suggestions for you. If having nightmarish experiences is a reoccurring theme, she advised considering how you’re using the apps, finding out if there are any common issues, and seeing how you can avoid repeating them.
“If it’s a one-off experience, it’s important to remember that whilst there are bad people online, there are also many good people out there so don’t let one negative experience tarnish your entire outlook. Pace your relationships slowly moving forward so that you do not become overly invested in someone very quickly. In time, people reveal their true colors so staying grounded in reality and not rushing things is key."
Blears told Bored Panda that the most important factor with online dating is not only your physical safety but your emotional safety too. "You want to only continue conversing with people who are consistent in their behavior and who make you feel either good or neutral."
"It might come as a surprise but someone who is overly keen very early on might not be as safe an option as a guy who is more neutral and takes time to reveal his feelings. There’s a balance to be struck," the dating coach added.