Sometimes, the rose-colored glasses one wears while in a relationship make it difficult to see certain things clearly. Things that can be quite damaging to the relationship or the person themselves. That’s because the so-called red flags become far less visible when looking through love-filled eyes, but significantly clearer once out of the relationship.
Members of the ‘Ask Women’ community recently opened up about the far-from-romantic situations their previous partners have put them in. The user ‘neonroli47’ asked them about manipulation tactics they have experienced in a relationship that they wanted to warn others about, and the women were more than willing to share. Scroll down to find their answers below and make sure to pay attention to the warning signs they point out.
Bored Panda has reached out to the OP and they were kind enough to answer a few of our questions. You will find their thoughts in the text below.
#1
Picking fights on days/during events you are excited for.
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87points
#2
Be weary of people who subtly put down the little things you enjoy. Say you have a song that’s your favorite. If they don’t like it, and they don’t just say, “Eh, it’s not for me, but I’m glad you enjoy it,” but they say, “I have no idea how you could find that enjoyable, honestly,” or anything harsher that shows their utter disrespect for your hobbies or what you enjoy — this is the first step in slowly making you feel like everything you enjoy is just embarrassing and making you lack confidence in yourself.
This goes for the books you read, the clothes you wear, how you like your hair, the sports you play, the workouts you do, the type of dog you like, the pictures you like to hang on your wall.
Basically, I’m saying watch out for people who just put down your hobbies without attempting to actually engage with you about what you like/dislike about it.
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84points
The OP told Bored Panda that the reason for posing the question to the Reddit community was simple—they wanted to see what a collection of manipulation tactics-based experiences would look like.
Out of all of them, there was one that surprised the redditor the most: love bombing. “It's concerning to see how this changes later. I think this shows quite a bit of machiavellianism,” they pointed out.
#4
A really common one is if he has a double standard for how you express disagreement with each other.
I work with a bunch of very blunt engineers and a bunch of very diplomatic administrators, so I tend to reflect the style of the person I'm speaking to -- if your method of expressing disagreement with me is to say, "No, it's Y," when I said it's X, then that's how I'm going to speak when I disagree with you. Engineers don't want to hear a bunch of flowery speech, and the administrators would like to be reminded we do actually possess diplomatic social skills when called for. It works.
But in dating, it's a litmus test for problem men. The ones who seem the most reasonable, where it would take you years to find out they're faking an entire personality to sucker you in, often fail right out the gate with this one. Pay attention to it. They'll be direct or even blunt when expressing disagreement with you, but when you reflect the same style back at them, they get upset in some way, such as acting like you're attacking them or picking a fight. It's a dead giveaway that no matter how good an actor they might be, any pose of being a reasonable person is just that, an act.
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66points
#5
Men who refuse to wear condoms, and especially those who throw a nasty hissy fit when asked - they’re scary, they’re selfish, and reproductive coercion is sadly very common from men who wind up to be a***ive. If you ever encounter this, whether in a relationship or in a casual fling, please protect yourself by noping out of having him in your life.
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65points
The OP shared that what they would want to warn others about is a person who is cruel about something their partner does, which they themselves don’t like, making mean comments instead of communicating it calmly. “People like that ultimately make you feel alone in the relationship,” they said.
#8
It really doesn’t matter if the person is fully aware of how manipulative selfish and unfair they’re being, or not. It doesn’t matter if they have a history of trauma (don’t we all??) and you understand why they are the way they are and you feel sympathy. It doesn’t matter if “they said they’ll change”. (They won’t really.) What matters is they are hurting you and you don’t deserve it. You deserve a healthy relationship with open communication and both people trying their best by the other bc they love each other, both people fully invested. Trying to make someone realize they are treating you badly and to stop, over and over again, isn’t that.
57points
U/neonroli47 pointed out that the so-called red flags might be difficult to notice when there are feelings involved. “I think when you like someone, there can be a bit of weakness in that. That is expressed through only looking at the fact that you like this person and noticing only the good things they do, seeing the bad things as simply something to be overcome.”
#9
I haven’t dealt with this in a relationship, but anyone who implies you’re a prude for having whatever sexual boundaries are good for you, is trying to manipulate you out of having those boundaries.
In general, if anyone ignores your boundaries of ANY sort, or tries to talk you out of having them, they’re going to be stressful AF to have in your life. My life immensely improved when I began cutting out anyone, old college friends I was still close to, partners etc, who behaved this way.
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56points
#10
Gaslighting. To keep it short: I was with the sweetest boyfriend ever, but then one day he started acting like a completely different person. It made me feel anxious, but I completely believed it was all in my head. I even went to therapy, and every time I asked him if something was up, he'd say I was imagining things and that everything was fine.
I'll leave out the details because we're not supposed to derail, but turns out I was 100% right, and let him drive me into madness and depression for 3 months before realising it. Trust your intuition. If you feel something is off, and your partner waves it off, that's not ok.
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53points
“I think that kind of mentality gets you stuck in unhappy relationships,” the redditor suggested, referring to only seeing the good in the person you like. “So, I think you need both your head and your heart. Love someone fully, but also keep your head on straight about if they're properly valuing you and not gloss over the bad things they do.”
#12
Goalpost moving. Feels so s****y jumping through hoops for promises of something they actually never intend to give you, and they get to sit back and get all the benefits of having you without having to do anything for it.
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50points
#13
Feeding you breadcrumbs and when you try moving on, he starts giving you pieces of the loaf and acting like he changed, only to start feeding breadcrumbs again after he knows he got you.
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45points
#14
Love bombing is real.
They will eventually manage to alienate you, or think they have, from your friends and family.
They will try to financially control you and sell your possessions.
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40points
#15
"Im a mess, you deserve better" while looking at you with puppy eyes and doing nothing to be what you deserve.
39points
#16
DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It can sometimes feel hard to distinguish this from a situation where both sides have legitimate grievances, and are trying to both explain why they feel the way that they do (which is healthy in a relationship) but I’ve found that a key difference is that in healthy relationships the other person is actually willing to hear you out, or try to empathize with your side. When it’s DARVO, in many cases they’ll accept no middle ground, no ‘we both messed up,’ just pure ‘I’m the victim and everything you did against me was wrong and evil.’
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39points
#17
If your gut feels off, as in, he loves you and is the sweetest man you have ever met, but you always feel lonely and struggle feeling loved by him, then stop listening to all words. Keep a diary of actions. Then ask yourself if that is how you wish to be treated. If the relationship is doing what you want in life. Usually it isn't. Too many men say pretty things while you feel awful inside about how things are actually going. Pretty lies to smooth things over so nothing ever changes, gets deeper, proceeds further, gets more real
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37points
#18
When he / she / they say they were going to do *insert cute thing* for you but didn’t. Whether they realize or not, it’s breadcrumbing and tricks you to think they actually did do that thing.
Example: I was going to bring you flowers the other day but I didn’t
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36points
#19
Trying to hurt you emotionally to “teach you a lesson/show them you how they felt” when you do something to hurt them on accident, even if you’re already clearly sorry about it and didn’t realize. Worst part about my first relationship.
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36points
#20
Pretending they don’t know how to do basic things so you do them as a once-off again and again until it becomes habit and you realise that they didn’t want a girlfriend and rather a mom…
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35points