Mankeeping Is Turning Normal Relationships Into Unpaid Full-Time Jobs, And Women Are Saying "Enough"

Here’s a quick mental exercise for you, Pandas: think about the men in your lives; how many friends does each of them have? When you start counting, you might be surprised. As American comedian John Mulaney said in one of his stand-up routines, “My dad has no friends, and your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you're wrong. Your mom has friends, and they have husbands. Those are not your dad's friends.” It’s a joke, of course, but it makes a point about how men are traditionally less inclined to socialize and tend to have fewer friendships than women. In heterosexual relationships, that often means that a man’s “friends” are his wife’s or girlfriend’s friends’ boyfriends or husbands. That usually happens because the woman pushes her partner to “have more friends” and socialize. And here’s where the term “mankeeping” comes in: the emotional labor that women do to make sure their male partners have a social life, relationships, and are overall emotionally stable. Sounds a lot like a therapist? Perhaps because it is. Lately, more and more women have been calling it out and realizing they’re doing unpaid labor in the form of “mankeeping” and that their partners are not doing the same in return. Bored Panda decided to delve deeper into the phenomenon. What is “mankeeping?” How did we come to the point of women doing emotional and social labor for their male partners? And are men the only ones to blame, or are women guilty of enabling and willingly “mankeeping” as well? See what mental health specialists, marriage and family therapists, and relationship and intimacy coaches have to say about it and what advice they have to offer for both men and women. John Rodriguez / Unsplash (not the actual photo) The term “mankeeping” isn’t just a social media buzzword that users came up with. Stanford University postdoctoral psychology fellow Angelica Puzio Ferrara coined the term in 2024. “What I have been seeing in my research is how women have been asked or expected to take on more work to be a central — if not the central — piece of a man’s social support system,” she explained to The New York Times. Ferrara and her research assistant Dylan Vergara see “mankeeping” as an extension of “kinkeeping” — it’s a word sociologists use to describe the effort it takes to keep families together, like planning holidays, making Christmastime and birthdays magical and special, planning doctor’s appointments, and other forms of emotional caregiving. Historically, the burden of that kind of care has almost always fallen on the shoulders of women. Think about it: when you were in school, who came to your parent-teacher meetings? Who knew what you were allergic to and when you last had a cold? Who decorated the house so Christmas would feel as cozy and warm as a Hallmark card? Most of us would probably say that it was our mothers, grandmothers, sisters, or girlfriends. Similarly to “kinkeeping,” “mankeeping” is about that kind of unpaid care that women provide to their male partners: encouraging them to go out to socialize, work out, try out a new hobby, or even listen to them unburden themselves after a long and difficult day at work and act like their therapists. Jakob Owens / Unsplash (not the actual photo) Why is “mankeeping” unhealthy? One might argue that it’s a basic form of emotional support — shouldn’t partners help each other in all aspects of life? Not to the extent that some of us are doing it, according to experts. Linda Whiteside, LPCC, has over 25 years of expertise in therapeutic and psycho-educational groups and has even created a mental health program for the men in a maximum-security prison in southern Illinois. She tells Bored Panda that being responsible for a partner’s needs leads to women developing resentment against their boyfriends and husbands. “This setup creates an imbalance in emotional labor,” she said. “One partner ‘hard carries’ the mental burden of maintaining not only the relationship but also the other's well-being.” Angelika Danek is a multicultural therapist and agrees, adding that “mankeeping” is prevalent with a lot of couples that she works with, especially in men who grew up in Polish households. “It can take on many forms, but generally it means the woman has become their therapist, friend and everything in between,” she explains. “It's no longer a relationship, but they begin to feel like your caregiver and can build resentment as well.” How does this even happen? How do women become responsible for their men’s emotional well-being? Experts say that men are socialized to be more closed-off emotionally and have a harder time forming platonic bonds with each other. The women then step in and fill that role. According to a 2025 Pew Research Center survey, women have a broader array of sources they can tap into when they need emotional support. Men, on the other hand, usually go to their partner or spouse (74%), their mother (42%), and only then a friend (38%). “In my clinical experience, I have found that many men will not express their emotions to anyone other than their partner,” Angelika Danek tells Bored Panda. “Whether that may be because they did not feel safe doing so or that it may have been frowned upon in their culture. They have come to rely on their partner to be the one they can let go.” Linda Whiteside has a hot take: “I think we've normalized the concept of women being unpaid therapists for men too much.” She says men rely too heavily on their partners to regulate how they feel, and it’s become unfair. “I think at some point, the emotional co-dependency stops being intimacy and becomes an unfair burden.” Haley Rivera / Unsplash (not the actual photo) In some conversations around “mankeeping,” men get blamed for their reliance on women to be their unpaid therapists. But the experts we spoke to invite people to exercise compassion — many men do it without realizing it, or because that’s how they’ve been socialized. Licensed couples’ counselor Gina Guddat says she has seen the phenomenon of "mankeeping" a lot in her private practice of nearly 20 years, and that it often brings couples into therapy. She adds that many men are taught to avoid seeking help from others, even from therapists. “Many don't have strong male friendships where they can show weakness or be vulnerable,” she tells Bored Panda. “Their work relationships are generally based on performance and competition. They have learned to suppress their emotions.” “Mankeeping” is a consequence of teaching boys that “men don’t cry.” Northern California-based certified intimacy coach and author of the 4-year-long relationship column "Keep Them Coming," Kristen Thomas, says that this is not a problem from past generations — many boys are still taught the same thing today. Men grow up thinking they can only be vulnerable around women, and it carries on into their romantic relationships when they’re adults. “Through dating, they find comfort and safety in their partners as emotional safe spaces, not realizing they can't become the only emotional safe space,” Thomas notes. “The meaning of stoicism has gotten turned in our culture from being someone who can handle emotions to someone devoid of emotions. Our grandpas and dads are very broken, and they did some damage to their offspring,” she adds. Mohammad Mardani / Unsplash (not the actual photo) Women aren’t completely blameless here either. Dr. Jens Hermes, a relationship coach in Switzerland and Germany, says that the term “mankeeping” sounds a whole lot like “housekeeping.” Historically, that’s been a woman’s job. He knows this relationship pattern from both sides: professionally, from his parents' marriage, and from his own life. "I used to be one of these men before I started my personal development journey," he admits. But "keeping a man" is not a woman's job, according to Hermes. “Mankeeping is a pattern that happens when an emotionally passive man meets an over-giving woman,” he says. “Both sides keep it alive: he under-functions, she over-functions.” Relationship and communication expert Chloe Ballatore, who has been happily married for 24 years and credits it to her program of behavioral changes, adds that many modern women have been raised to do everything by themselves. Some even might see taking up the effort of “mankeeping” as a badge of honor. “They think they're proving their worth, but really they're burning out,” she says. Intimacy coach Kristen Thomas believes that women need to step back and let the men take the reins of their emotional worlds. “Let go. Let him fail,” she tells Bored Panda. “He needs to experience consequences, and yes, sometimes that makes a bit of a mess for you too, unfortunately. But just like inexperienced bakers who make a mess baking a cake their first time, it will get better and tidier and easier with time.” rawpixel.com / Magnific (not the actual photo) So, how can men take back control of their emotional lives? The experts we spoke to have many suggestions. But the starting point is almost always to stop expecting the women in their lives to manage their emotional well-being. Here are some suggestions that the experts gave us: Allow themselves to feel a wide spectrum of emotions. Many men have been taught that anger is the only emotion they’re allowed to show, but men need to feel a wide spectrum of emotions and become familiar with the vocabulary around them. Be proactive in their relationships with other family members and friends. Planning get-togethers or game nights shouldn’t fall on the shoulders of the woman every single time. Men can FaceTime, text, and plan too. Find another man they can talk to and be emotionally vulnerable with. This can take many forms: individual or group therapy, church community, or a social club around some other activity. “Go volunteer in your town for a cause you can get behind,” Kristen Thomas suggests. “Learn a new skill. Get a mentor.” With any of these suggestions, consistency is key. As therapist Miranda Galligan, who has extensive experience in working with men of all ages but especially with men in their 20s, explains, planning a workout routine, a dinner with friends, or a weekend activity and going through with it will give a man an endorphin rush. “Finishing these tasks on a consistent basis will lead to a positive feedback loop and, in turn, improve a man's mental health,” she adds. In the same stand-up routine we mentioned earlier, John Mulaney jokes that Jesus’ biggest miracle was having 12 friends — the apostles. “He had 12 best friends in his thirties, and they weren’t his wife’s best friends’ husbands,” he quipped. Not every man needs to have 12 best friends — that’s a lot. But if they can honestly say they own their emotional well-being and don’t rely on their partner to manage it — it’s already a big win. www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com www.facebook.com