Polyamory is a relationship style that allows individuals to develop multiple romantic relationships simultaneously.
"Some people practicing polyamory have a 'primary partner' and 'secondary partners,' while others prefer non-hierarchical relationship structures," explains a 2024 research paper, which looked into children's views on their polyamorous parents.
Polyamory falls under the consensual non-monogamy (CNM) umbrella and while many CNM-practicing parents are openly out to their children, others prefer keeping their intimate life separate from family life and haven't informed their children.
An earlier study, conducted over a 15-year period with 22 American children of polyamorous parents looked into the pros and cons of this unique family dynamic.
"The presence of more than two adults in the family environment provides several advantages for the children, such as getting more attention, care and time from significant adults, receiving more gifts at special events and being exposed to a greater number of positive role models to draw inspiration from," the researchers found. "It also allows them to create family ties with other children beyond biogenetic kinship and have more siblings."
Elisabeth Sheff, the author of The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families, revealed that in cases where parents and their romantic partners all lived under the same roof, there were some negative aspects.
For example, some children—especially teenagers—felt they didn't have enough privacy in the home, there was jealousy between children in the household, and there were struggles adapting to different parenting styles.
A few of the kids also reported feeling at risk of stigmatization because of their parents’ relationship style. This led to resentment towards their parents.
When it comes to adult kids of openly polyamorous parents, Sheff's article in Psychology Today reveals that many are happy or neutral about their parents' relationships, especially if the kids are socially liberal and non-religious.
However, those who are religious, personally conservative, have been cheated on or have cheated on someone themselves, or feel that CNM played some negative role in their parents’ divorce are less likely to celebrate their parent's or parents' polyamory.
"For those adult children, the perceived benefits that polyamorous folks report for aging with multiple partners are either invisible or inadequate compensation for the damage the kids see as resulting from CNM," explains Sheff.
So what advice does the expert have for children who are on the fence about their parent/s' polyamorous relationship?
"Some adults will really click with you, and you will enjoy each other’s company. Other adults, not so much, and you might not want to connect with them at all," says Sheff, adding that it is up to the child how much emotional connection they wish to develop with the adults they meet through their parents, whether via dating or not.
Sheff says the real challenge comes when a parent really likes someone who the child would prefer not to hang out with. "Like any kid interacting with a parent’s date or step-parent, you might come to like that adult more over time," the author notes. "You can also choose to spend less time around them when you grow up."
Sheff adds that while you don’t have to pretend to love a parent's partner, you can help make family life a little more pleasant by treating them politely.
"If the adult is treating you in a way that you do not like, be sure to talk to your parents about it right away," advises the expert.
