Being a stepmom is no easy task. There are over two million stepmothers in the UK, but no one ever teaches you how to be one. Is it okay to parent the kids however you want? Should you treat the child like they were yours? Should you be expected to replace their mom?
All these questions and more plagued one married woman who felt like an unpaid nanny to her husband. She thought her husband was spending too much time on his hobby at the gym and not enough time with his daughter. So, she asked the internet if this was expected of stepmothers or if her husband was asking too much of her.
A woman had to be the nanny of her partner's daughter so he could go to the gym almost every day
Image credits: StudioVK / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
One day, she finally snapped, asking people online whether this was expected of a stepmother
Image credits: tonodiaz / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: drazenphoto / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: CCISUL / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: bnenin / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Anonymous
Stepmothers face immense stress and often take on more childcare tasks than biological fathers
Image credits: Pressmaster /envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Parenting is hard, and most stepparents learn this the hard way. In fact, stepparents may be having a harder time at this parenting thing than parents. A 2014 study showed that stepparents report higher levels of stress than biological parents. That was especially true for stepmothers, as they are often expected to shoulder a bigger part of childcare-related duties than stepfathers.
Where does that stress come from exactly? Research shows that the stressors are different than for biological parents:
- Stepmothers feel their role is ambiguous. They're afraid to overstep with discipline but don't want to be the stereotypical "wicked stepmother."
- They feel underappreciated by their partner, the biological parent, and other family members.
- They lack support, especially from their partners.
In practice, the stepparent role is mostly quite ambiguous. While parents and stepparents agree that the term "parent" describes the role of the stepparent the best, the children feel differently. In one study, 43% of stepchildren identified with the terms "friend" or "other" the most when it came to describing the role of their stepparent.
In reality, stepmothers do almost the same amount of childcare as biological moms do. A 2017 study revealed that even stepmothers who are in a cohabitating relationship with a biological father do more physical and interactive childcare tasks than all dads, both step and biological.
In fact, a married stepmother will do twice as many physical childcare tasks (for example, taking care of the child when they are sick) as a biological father. This shows that the expectations for women to be the default caregivers still persist.
Stepmothers may feel like glorified nannies because they lose agency in planning their own time
Image credits: deriabinanatalia / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
While none of these statistics sound fair, they reflect a reality that women who are dating fathers face. Oftentimes, a parent will prioritize their child over their partner, and experts say that is natural as long as they don't prioritize them all the time.
Many stepmoms, just like the one in this story, feel like glorified babysitters. The dissatisfaction stems from the fact that stepmoms, like the author of this story, don't get a say in the planning of their time. The biological dad makes the plans and only informs the stepmom about what it's going to be like.
Essentially, the stepmom loses part of her agency, making her feel less-than. "If you keep your mouth shut you might feel ignored, trampled, left out, unacknowledged, generally underappreciated," Amy Stone, a life coach who works with blended families, explains.
Her advice is to figure out what makes you feel like the powerless person in the room. She says that speaking to your partner about what you need and want can make them see the problem. A lot of times, stepmoms just want to be appreciated for the work they do and for partners not to take that for granted.
Later down the line, stepmoms also get into hot water because they don't raise the kids "the right way." Some parents may want a stepparent to stay off disciplining and take on the role of "a friend."
"It won't take him or her long to feel deep resentment if they have the position of housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, homework helper, babysitter, check-writer, etc., but they have no authority — or voice — in their home," life coach Heidi Farrell adds.
The commenters criticized the dad: "He has no interest in his daughter or in you"
Image credits: mariiaplosh / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
The girl's stepdad was already doing "nothing," and the dad wanted his wife to pitch in more
Image credits: alexlucru123 / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: halfpoint / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Anonymous
Image credits: ORION_production / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
The couple had a serious talk, which ended quite dramatically
Image credits: nd3000 / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: shotprime / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Anonymous
Exhausted by family or in-law drama like this one? Visit our Family Dynamics Hub for expert-backed guides on toxic relatives, parenting styles, and personal boundaries.