Being the other person in someone else’s relationship consensually is one thing, but being one without realizing it is a completely different one. You might think you’re in a perfect relationship only to find out that you’ve been actively participating in an affair without knowing it. This can be compared to being cheated on, as the betrayal and pain are similar in both situations.
After this woman found out she was the other person, she felt crushed and didn’t really know what to do. So she turned to people online for advice, and they delivered.
Below, you'll find the full story and conversation with Todd Zemek, clinical psychologist and relationship specialist, who kindly agreed to explain how people end up in such situations.
Participating in an affair without knowing can be crushing
As it happened to this woman, who turned online for advice on how to deal with it
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Cheating person can go to great lengths to appear single when they aren’t
It might be hard to understand how a person gets involved in an affair without knowing. But all it takes is one lie to end up in such a situation. In scenarios like these a cheating person can go to great lengths to appear single when they aren’t. That’s how a person gets into a relationship with someone, and they have no idea that their new partner is taken, as they’ve been lying about it the whole time.
That said, Todd Zemek, clinical psychologist and relationship specialist, notes that it's not always deceit that is at fault in such situations.
"People often become the “other person” because they’re responding to genuine connection, empathy, or chemistry without realizing the full context. Emotional vulnerability and loneliness can make even healthy, intelligent people overlook warning signs. When someone presents as “unavailable but misunderstood,” it can activate our own desire to help or be chosen," he explains.
As previously mentioned, a cheating person does their best to keep their other relationship a secret, so it can be hard to know if you’re the other partner. But luckily there are signs to look out for that might give away that a person is hiding another relationship. If any of these sound familiar, it might be that you’re not the only partner in their life.
"There are usually small inconsistencies that reveal a divided life. Plans feel conditional. Communication is inconsistent. You might sense secrecy or compartmentalization, such as hidden social media, delayed responses, or restrictions about when you can make contact," Zemek suggests. "Beyond any external signs, the internal gut feelings should be listened to as well. You might feel anxious, uncertain or conflicted. Emotional dissonance is often the body’s way of saying, 'This connection isn’t safe or clear.'"
Image credits: Budgeron Bach / Pexels (not the actual photo)
21% of those who have been the other person were completely unaware that their significant other wasn’t single
Interestingly enough, people find themselves in such situations more frequently than we might realize. One Bustle poll has found that 21% of those who have been the other person were completely unaware that their significant other wasn’t single.
When or if their lies come to light, being the other person without knowing can have a profound impact on a person, comparable to being cheated on.
"You are likely to feel betrayed, to lose trust in your partner, to feel taken advantage of, and to go into a protective mode that, ironically, is like that of the partner who's been cheated on," Dr. Josh Klapow, a clinical psychologist, told Bustle. "While the circumstance is not exactly the same, the emotional consequence has parallels."
Klapov says it’s best to end such types of relationships the moment one realizes what’s going on. But even though the relationship was based on lies, the feelings of loss and betrayal are very real and don’t just magically disappear. Such an experience of finding out you’re the other person can follow someone for years.
Even though it might be painful, it's best to draw a boundary on the whole situation and move on, says Zemek. After all, with good coping mechanisms, it's possible to lead a better life afterwards.
The most important thing while trying to heal is not to blame yourself, Zemek advises. "People who have affairs without being open and honest are typically extremely charming in many ways. They can be good people and game players at the same time."
Then, he recommends reflecting on some questions that, when faced, can help us recover and evolve to a new level of relating that makes our needs a higher priority. These include:
- Did I minimize any gut feelings?
- What was it that attracted me?
- What do I need to heal or strengthen so that future relationships feel cleaner, safer, and more mutual and boundaried?
- How will I learn to engage with potential partners differently in future?
"This process of self-validation is one that has to be nourished by you rather than others. However, these situations are milestones that strengthen a deeper commitment to self. This means future relationships are certain to take your needs more seriously, because you do," Zemek concludes.
The commenters urged the woman to not believe the man's lies and tell everything to his fiancée
Later, the woman returned to clarify some things
