Dating can be hard in this digital age. Research shows that 3 in 19 Americans use dating apps. Since 2019, fewer people think dating online is safe: the percentage has dipped from 53% to 48% in 2023. Women say they are less likely to feel safe on dating apps, but men experience their share of privacy violations, too.
One man went online to share how his personal information was leaked by a woman he supposedly matched with on a dating app. He recounted how she retaliated against a perceived rejection by doxing him on an "Are We Dating The Same Guy" group. Not willing to put up with cyberbullying, he opted for revenge.
Bored Panda got in touch with the author, u/sinzirly_calv_n_wang, and he kindly agreed to give us more details about the story. Read our conversation down below!
Online dating comes with many dangers: catfishing, scams, cyberbullying, and privacy concerns
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This man discovered he was a victim of a serial doxer and decided to give her a taste of her own medicine
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The Redditor thinks the harm "AWDTSG" groups do don't get enough public attention
Finding out u/sinzirly_calv_n_wang wasn't the only victim of these groups was what inspired them to share the story on Reddit. "The fact that so many full-grown adults are taking pleasure in this, in the scope of over five million women consisting of a dozen different countries, with sub-groups in literally every city, not to mention the copycats of those groups designed to allow less moderation and more bullying, it is appalling that so many people witness what goes on these networks."
"It took nearly two years before someone in my city told me," the Redditor told Bored Panda. "I was only saved by one or two things from this escalating and that was because the person who posted me didn't have access to me. But for others, this is as equally dangerous as swatting." The Redditor says it's beyond shameful that no one is paying attention.
u/sinzirly_calv_n_wang believes social media platforms should be accountable for this type of harassment, too. "They already do crack down[s] on groups like this in instances where women are concerned. For example, I believe I read that men created a group meant to spread awareness about AWDTSG, and they just changed the name to "Girl" instead. It was shut down." He also points out the hypocrisy of Facebook because they found it against the terms of service to alert people about the harms caused by "AWDTSG."
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The Redditor believes online dating spaces are becoming more and more hostile toward men
u/sinzirly_calv_n_wang likens the "AWDTSG" community to r/incel. He says both have been linked to a person losing their lives, but "AWDTSG" is still alive today. "It shouldn't take a violent crime to reach mainstream media before social media companies say, "Ok, we will look into it."
"Not to mention, I think the language/culture of both that group r/incel and AWDTSG have uncanny similarities of inciting violence and sexual shame. The internet seems to have a blind spot in this regard."
The Redditor says this experience made him realize why men seem to have a harder time with online dating. "I never realized it until all of this happened, but I did a simple Google search and discovered every dating site is 80% male profiles."
"If you couple that with AWDTSG, it's basically an endless resource for anyone interested in targeting men for harassment. And I have no doubt that is creating an even bigger challenge for men to find a woman online to give them a chance.”
"It's really disgusting to be non-consensually a part of a social media website when I do not use social media,” the Redditor says. "I think, at this time, it's dangerous to use dating apps as a man because you don't even have to interact with a member of AWDTSG in order for them to latch on and try to hurt you. But being visible is the catalyst. Sadly, I don't think it's safe for men to be public online. There's too much risk."
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The man says he's not planning to take legal action and takes comfort in the fact that his girlfriend supports him
"I'm not able to afford a lawyer and, as far as I know, no one has successfully been able to find an avenue to sue for cyber-bullying and doxing," u/sinzirly_calv_n_wang says. He thinks the creator of the "AWDTSG" network should be held accountable, too.
"Paola Sanchez is responsible for every victim," he insists. "If she gets sued by all of the people doxed on her network, then that would give us all more power to sue each individual woman posting."
"I take comfort in the fact that my girlfriend and the woman who told us do not justify these groups. They don't try to defend them with what-about-isms. And many other women, like my girlfriend, aren't in the groups in the first place. And many women I've known in my life [who] I've asked for their opinions about this trend, it turns out they weren't in the groups either."
Yet the reality is that these groups still can help some women. “By using these groups, you could discover crucial information that could protect you.” Relationship Psychologist Mairead Molloy told Vice. “Some men might be panicking because they will no longer be able to get away with certain problematic behaviours – but remember the internet can wreak havoc when used incorrectly.”
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The "Are We Dating The Same Guy" groups have been receiving criticism for violating men's privacy
The "Are We Dating The Same Guy" Facebook groups started popping up in 2022 when the first one was created for those who live in New York City. As of the beginning of 2024, there were approximately 3.5 million members across 200 groups in almost all U.S. cities.
Its creator, Paola Sanchez, claimed that the group is for women to "empower each other and keep each other safe from dangerous and/or toxic men." Women who join the "AWDTSG" groups warn each other about predatory men, potential cheaters, and red flags.
However, the groups faced controversy at the beginning of 2024, when an Illinois man filed a lawsuit against the group's founder, Facebook and its parent company (Meta), the woman who defamed him, and dozens of others who perpetuated lies about his personal life in the group.
What were supposed to be safe havens for women to check whether a person is who they claim to be on a dating app turned into toxic spaces where defamation, lies, and unfounded accusations fly free.
The groups work as public forums. A woman posts a picture of a man from a dating app, and others either confirm he's a good match or warn her if they've had a bad experience with the same man. The problem is that, oftentimes, there's no fact-checking involved. And, as evident from this story, some women even have malicious intent.
The Washington Post writes how men report being questioned by their employers and losing relationships. If posters decide to send information to a person's boss and demand he get fired, they are liable for tortious interference. That basically means instigating the employer to terminate the employment contract.
Many men who have been victims of malicious "AWDTSG" posts report spiraling emotionally. They can sue for intentional infliction of emotional distress. That's why it's paramount to consider how this type of post will affect the mental and emotional health of the person it's about.
People congratulated the Redditor for shining a light on this issue, and he claimed awareness was his main goal
