Who your partner is when they’re with you and when they’re around their buddies might be two completely different people. It can be shocking to uncover the fact that your significant other has no issue with their close friends’ disgusting behavior.
Redditor u/Professional-Sea4132, a Black woman in an interracial relationship, turned to the ‘Off My Chest’ online community for help with an incredibly sensitive situation. After snooping through her boyfriend’s phone, she found out that he tolerates his friends’ racist behavior. Scroll down for the full story and the internet’s advice. Bored Panda has reached out to the author for comment, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
Who you choose to be friends with says a lot about your values and character
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A woman snooped through her boyfriend's phone and was shocked to discover that he tolerates their bigoted behavior
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Deciding that enough was enough, she finally confronted her partner about his spinelessness
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The woman summed up the drama for anyone who is in a rush
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It's important that you talk to your significant other if their friends are becoming a serious problem
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Real friendship means that you are open and honest with your buddies, telling them hard truths when they might not want to hear them.
Sure, friendship is about having fun and unconditional support, but it’s not just that. You have to be willing to confront them when they cross boundaries, ignore basic decency, and behave like barbarians.
If you’re constantly walking on eggshells, scared to say something your buddies won’t like, setting your principles aside, then you have to wonder whether you’re actually friends.
Real friends appreciate you having boundaries and sticking up for your values. Fake friends get mad when you confront them about their bad behavior.
It’s natural to be worried about the company your significant other keeps. While nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, if someone constantly behaves in disturbing ways, you have to wonder why your partner wants to spend their precious time with them.
Verywell Mind suggests that if you don’t like your partner’s friends, you have to talk to them about your issues with them. It’s possible that your significant other might not even know that their pals are problematic for you.
“Research has found that talking about your feelings with your partner and having difficult conversations can have benefits. In addition to improving communication and resolving problems, it can help people cope more effectively and help make relationships more successful.”
If your partner’s friends are particularly problematic, you should establish and enforce some healthy boundaries. For example, you could talk to your significant other about how often you want to see their pals, so you’re not constantly around people you genuinely dislike.
Obviously, you shouldn’t tolerate someone’s bigoted behavior. If the problems you have with your partner’s friends aren’t as serious as the situation that u/Professional-Sea4132 is dealing with, you could potentially try to look for common ground. Get to know them better. Also consider the possibility that they might change and grow over time.
Meanwhile, remember that what matters is that you prioritize your relationship with your significant other.
“It's important to remember that your partner is separate from their friends. Just because you don't like their friends doesn't mean you have to dislike your partner,” Verywell Mind says, noting that you should keep the lines of communication with your partner open.
Breaking off toxic friendships is easier said than done. You should prepare for pushback, anger, and manipulations
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Some of the major red flags indicating that your friend is toxic are that they are:
- Untrustworthy
- Insincere
- Highly critical of you
- Selfish
- Overly competitive
- Manipulative
- Narcissistic
- Self-centered
- Prone to drama
- Bringing you down
- Unreliable
- Isolating you from your other relationships
Being around toxic people is bad for your mental health. However, moving away from relationships that we know are bad for us isn’t as easy as it sounds.
You might continue hanging out with your toxic pals because they used to be different, you feel loyal to them, or they’ve manipulated you to think that they’re more supportive of you than they actually are.
“The constant bombardment of negativity in toxic friendships can lead to depression, anxiety, and doubts about our self-worth," Dr. Patrice Le Goy explained to Verywell Mind.
She warned that confronting your toxic pals or ending these friendships can be difficult. They might have a lot to say about you cutting them out.
“You may hope to end the friendship in an open and honest way, but that is not always possible. For example, if your friend is a narcissist, they may be unwilling to accept that they are the problem and they may even try to charm their way back into your good graces. Other types of toxic friends may attempt to turn others against you,” she said.
At the end of the day, though, you have to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. If being around someone constantly drains you and they bring out the worst in you, you have to make some tough decisions.
What would you do if you found out that your partner doesn’t mind bigoted behavior from their friends, Pandas? How would you confront your buddies about the disgusting things they say, do, and write? Have you ever cut friends out of your life because of something like this? This is a very sensitive topic, but if you’re willing to share your thoughts, you can do so in the comments.
People were appalled by what they read. Many netizens wanted to help the author, so they shared some advice
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