Relationships come with all kinds of rules, but they're a lot like assembling furniture without reading the instructions, because everyone thinks they'll figure it out as they go. Sometimes it works out beautifully, and other times you're left staring at a pile of loose screws wondering where it all went wrong.
This Original Poster (OP) found himself in exactly that position after agreeing to open his marriage to avoid what seemed like an inevitable divorce. For years, he quietly adapted to the arrangement and focused on building financial security for his family. However, when he finally began enjoying the freedom he'd been given, his wife suddenly wanted to rewrite the rules.
More info: Reddit
Rules can feel comforting when we are the ones creating them, but sometimes life has a funny way of following the rules too well
Image credits: magnific / Magnific (not the actual photo)
The author's wife asked him to open their marriage and implied divorce was the alternative, so he agreed to keep their family together and created boundaries for the arrangement
Image credits: Yan Krukau / Pexels (not the actual photo)
For two years, the author focused on work, parenting, and finances while emotionally distancing himself from his wife and avoiding dating
Image credits: zinkevych / Magnific (not the actual photo)
After reaching his financial goals, he reduced his work hours, improved his lifestyle, spent more time with his children, and eventually started dating a new woman
Image credits: egoitz_bengoetxea / Magnific (not the actual photo)
His wife then became upset after learning about his relationship, wanted to change the open marriage rules, and pushed for counseling, more couple time, and stricter boundaries
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After counseling failed due to ongoing disagreements about their relationship, finances, and future, he consulted a lawyer and began divorce proceedings
The OP explained that around two and a half years earlier, his wife proposed opening their marriage and implied that refusing would likely end in divorce. Wanting to keep his family together for the sake of their two children, he reluctantly agreed, despite finding the idea emotionally difficult.
Rather than embracing the open relationship himself, he devoted nearly all of his energy to work and parenting. Working extremely long hours, he had little interest or opportunity to meet other people and instead focused on eliminating debt and creating financial security for his children. Eventually, those sacrifices paid off, and he reduced his workload to have more free time.
Once his schedule became less demanding, he finally started dating. Rather than seeking purely casual encounters, he wanted companionship alongside physical intimacy. He met someone who shared his interests and enjoyed spending time together at concerts, conventions, galleries, movies, and other outings. However, his wife soon became curious about the new woman.
He refused to discuss his private life, pointing out that keeping outside relationships confidential had always been one of their agreed-upon boundaries. Shortly after, the wife suggested that they repair their relationship through counseling, begin sharing a bedroom again, spend more time together socially, and limit all outside relationships to physical intimacy only.
The OP disagreed, saying he was satisfied with the existing arrangement and had no objection if she also wanted a more emotionally fulfilling relationship elsewhere. In an update, the OP shared that they attended couples counseling, however, the sessions exposed even deeper disagreements which ultimately failed to bridge the growing divide. And now, the OP has consulted a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings.
Image credits: magnific / Magnific (not the actual photo)
Consensual non-monogamy tends to work best when both partners genuinely want the arrangement and feel comfortable with the decision. According to Psychology Today, when one person agrees mainly because they fear losing the relationship, it can create resentment and an imbalance from the beginning.
Because the OP wasn't particularly on board with the arrangement, he spent much of that time focusing on financial stability, paying off debt, and building savings for his children’s future. Kiplinger affirms that having manageable debt and emergency savings can reduce financial stress and help people feel more secure about their future. Therefore, this allows them to devote more energy to other aspects of life.
At the end of the day, emotional intimacy including trust, companionship, and shared experiences, is a key part of satisfying relationships. Science Insights offers insight into why the OP did not view dating as simply a physical arrangement and instead wanted to build genuine connections through activities, conversations, and shared interests when he could eventually devote time to it.
Netizens largely felt that the marriage had been struggling long before the divorce discussion, with many criticizing the wife's expectations after pushing for an open relationship. What do you think about this? Do you think agreeing to an open marriage to avoid divorce can ever work, or is it already a sign the relationship is broken? We would love to know your thoughts!
Netizens questioned whether the open marriage rules were ever truly balanced and felt the couple’s problems went deeper than dating other people
