Every relationship is bound to have its moments, and couples will never agree on absolutely everything. Sometimes, those disagreements can be pretty minor, like who finished the milk or who loads the dishwasher incorrectly. Those are usually easy enough to move past. Other times, though, one conversation can completely change how you view the person you thought you knew best.
This was exactly the position one man found himself in after his wife of 12 years blindsided him by suggesting they open their marriage. Her reasoning? Because “all her friends did it.” His response? Divorce. But he still had doubts about whether he’d made the right call.
When a partner suddenly suggests opening the marriage, it’s natural to wonder what’s behind it
For this man, the request alone was enough to change how he saw his wife
Some commenters supported the poster’s decision
While others thought he was overreacting and called him out
The poster shared an update on what had come to light since his first post
People change, but some things can still catch you off guard
I think it’s fair to say that when you’ve been married to someone for 12 years, you’d expect to know them pretty well. Sure, people change and grow, but you’d probably like to think you have a good grasp of the fundamentals, including each other’s core beliefs and values.
That’s not to say there’s anything inherently wrong with wanting an open relationship, or that couples can’t change their minds about the boundaries of their relationship. But when a previously monogamous partner suddenly suggests opening up the marriage, it’s understandable that the other person might have questions. What prompted the change? Are they unhappy? Is there someone else?
From the poster’s account, his wife’s proposal seems less like an attempt to communicate her needs and more like a case of blindsiding him. Of course, wanting an open relationship doesn’t automatically mean someone has been unfaithful. But when such a significant change to the terms of one’s marriage is suggested seemingly out of the blue and with such a flimsy explanation—”all my friends are doing it”—it’s understandable that the other person might see their partner a little differently and wonder whether there’s more to the story.
And it just so turns out that in this case, there was.
An open marriage requires honesty, not just agreement
It’s worth remembering that an open marriage isn’t inherently a bad idea. For some couples, consensual non-monogamy works perfectly well. A 2022 review published in Current Opinion in Psychology found little difference in relationship quality between people in consensually non-monogamous relationships and those in monogamous ones.
But it’s definitely not for everyone. In fact, a 2023 Pew Research Center survey found that half of Americans consider open marriages somewhat or completely unacceptable, including 37% who view them as completely unacceptable.
Within a relationship, one person might be interested in exploring non-monogamy, while the other considers exclusivity a fundamental part of commitment. Neither preference is inherently wrong, but both partners need to agree to any change in their relationship. One person can’t unilaterally change the terms of their marriage and expect the other to accept them.
Granted, the wife did say they didn’t have to open the marriage if the poster wasn’t interested. But the problem turned out to be more than a difference in what each partner wanted or considered acceptable. The suggestion had already changed how he saw her, and he felt she hadn’t been entirely open about her motivations.
As the researchers behind the 2022 review explain, consensual non-monogamy (CNM) requires “the explicit knowledge of everyone involved.” That transparency is what distinguishes it from infidelity, which involves breaking the boundaries of a relationship without a partner's knowledge or consent.
In this case, the wife eventually revealed that she had a second cellphone the poster hadn’t known about. He learned that she had been emotionally unfaithful and was planning to take things further physically, apparently encouraged by friends whose supposedly open marriages, according to the poster, were actually affairs.
So, really, rather than being a conversation about mutually agreeing to a new relationship structure, her proposal came against a backdrop of dishonesty. And opening a relationship doesn’t necessarily resolve the problems created by infidelity.
As Anabelle Bernard Fournier explains in her guide to open relationships for Verywell Mind, “Especially when infidelity is involved, it is better to solve the underlying issue in the relationship first rather than try to mask it by opening up the relationship.”
Fournier also notes that a partner who discovers the proposal stems from an existing attraction or infidelity “will likely feel betrayed and hurt.” Those feelings need to be addressed before a couple can consider changing their relationship agreement.
Ultimately, wanting something different from a relationship isn’t a betrayal in itself. Being honest about it allows both partners to decide whether they want the same things and whether they can move forward together. But when one partner has already crossed agreed-upon boundaries in secret, the issue is no longer simply whether an open marriage could work. It’s whether the trust needed to make any relationship work is still there.
Fortunately, the poster had already made up his mind.
Commenters offered their opinions, but the poster stood firm on his decision to divorce
Many affirmed the poster’s decision
The poster shared a tragic update
The poster had the same answer for some insensitive commenters
Many offered the poster their condolences and felt the woman was stooping pretty low by trying to exploit his grief
