In modern relationships, defining cheating is a challenge, as with evolving lifestyles and new types of couples, boundaries have become blurrier than ever. Ultimately, infidelity now exists on a spectrum, and only the partners can decide what’s off-limits together.
This couple probably skipped such a conversation, leaving the wife to recently question whether her husband’s evening runs with a divorced mom from the neighborhood were crossing boundaries. Since she felt uncomfortable about the whole situation, she turned to the internet for advice, wondering if she should be suspicious about the two running buddies.
Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with couples therapist Shan Merchant, who kindly agreed to chat with us more about what counts as infidelity in modern relationships.
Each person tends to understand loyalty in relationships differently
Image credits: tonodiaz (not the actual photo)
So this woman was unsure if her husband's female running buddy was something to worry about
Image credits: djoronimo (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Electrical_Total534
Micro-cheating is less obvious but can be as harmful to relationships as infidelity
In general, infidelity is defined as the act of one partner crossing the other’s boundaries of trust and fidelity. This usually means engaging in emotional or physical relations with someone outside the relationship. It should typically be clear when a partner has crossed boundaries, but if it’s not, relationship experts say that these gray areas may be "micro-cheating."
“Micro-cheating exists in that uncomfortable gray zone where behaviors aren’t overtly unfaithful, but still create fractures in the foundation of trust,” says Daren Banarsë, a London-based senior psychotherapist. “The danger isn’t just in the individual acts, but in how they represent a gradual erosion of the boundaries that protect your primary relationship.”
Behaviors that would be considered micro-cheating could be virtually anything, from flirting with a stranger at a bar and texting an ex to inappropriate physical contact and an active online dating profile. Overall, “Micro-cheating includes the less overt aspects of cheating that may still be perceived as disrespectful,” said Shainna Ali, PhD, a licensed mental health counselor.
Even though micro-cheating is less obvious, it can be harmful to relationships just the same as clear-cut cheating, as it usually leads to a one-way path to erosion of trust and even infidelity.
"It can be very dangerous, because when you have one partner feeling threatened and is not feeling that they have a safe relationship or a secure attachment, then they're going to react in all kinds of ways," said Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert and psychology professor. "If it continues for a long period of time, it can erode trust, and it can erode the feeling of safety in your primary relationship."
Image credits: Jarritos(not the actual photo)
The key to addressing micro-cheating is communication
Avoiding micro-cheating is possible by having a conversation about boundaries early so the couple is on the same page about what is and isn’t appropriate.
"As a couple’s therapist, most of the heartbreak I see doesn’t come from 'the act' of cheating it comes from people realising too late that they were playing by completely different rules. One person thinks flirting is fun and harmless, the other feels humiliated by it. But because they never talked about it, they only discover that difference after someone’s already hurt," couples therapist Shan Merchant explains.
"Boundaries aren’t about controlling your partner, they’re about protecting the relationship. When you know what’s okay and what’s not, you both feel safe. And when you feel safe, you’re not policing each other, you can actually relax and enjoy your connection. Don’t assume your partner’s definition of loyalty matches yours. Spell it out, or you’ll only find out the hard way."
If the couple hadn’t discussed what is appropriate and what isn’t in their relationship, and one of them suspects the other of micro-cheating, the key to addressing it is communication.
"Lean first into curiosity, not accusation. If something unsettles you, it matters even if it wouldn’t bother someone else. Instead of leaping to asking, 'Are you cheating?' try to bring it back to you: 'When I saw that message, I felt anxious and insecure. What I need is some reassurance,'" suggests Merchant. "Lead from your vulnerability and you’re more likely to get honesty and connection in return."
Often, micro-cheating is the result of issues or unfulfillment in relationships, like a lack of emotional intimacy, a fear of commitment, boredom, or unaddressed resentment. Having a conversation about boundaries and why they were breached will help to understand how behaviors can be changed moving forward.
A supportive partner should not dismiss any concerns of their significant other and should make an effort to change if they have ruptured the other’s trust.
If that doesn’t happen, there might be a larger compatibility issue at play. As Banarsë said, “Recovery requires accepting the discomfort of uncertainty while choosing to trust the process of rebuilding.”
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual photo)
Some commenters were also suspicious about the running buddies, encouraging the woman to meet the mom
Others were extremely suspicious of the husband's evening runs
And some even shared similar stories
