Deciding whether or not to start a family is not a choice that should be taken lightly. Being a parent is not for everyone, and choosing to prioritize your career, your partner and your pets over having kids of your own is a perfectly valid choice. And if you decide that you actually want to have more kids than you originally thought, well, you can always change your mind.
Below, you’ll find a story that a father recently posted on Reddit detailing the hot water he found himself in after deciding to have a child with his new wife without informing his ex. Keep reading to find all of the details, as well as a conversation with Dr. Doron Boone of the Bristol Vasectomy Clinic!
This man decided to have his vasectomy reversed to start a family with his new wife
Image credits: Amina Filkins / pexels (not the actual photo)
But his ex was offended that she didn’t find out about this change before her kids
Image credits: Alex Green / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: mybodyaita
It’s common for divorced parents to remarry and have more children
Image credits: Karolina Kaboompics / pexels (not the actual photo)
Families are complicated. Contrary to what television shows and movies might lead you to believe, the typical family with two loving parents and a few kids is not what the majority of people grow up with nowadays. About half of first marriages end in divorce, and according to the U.S. Census Bureau, 1,300 new stepfamilies form every single day.
A whopping three quarters of divorced individuals end up getting remarried, and half of the 50 million kids in the United States under the age of 13 live with one of their parents and their parent’s current partner. There are thousands of different ways to be a family, and as painful as it may be for divorced parents to admit, there’s always a chance that their ex-spouse will start a new family with their new partner.
NBC News reports that over 40% of American adults have at least one step-relative, and a third of Americans have a step sibling or half-sibling. While it can be understandably difficult for the ex-wife in this story to understand how her husband suddenly wants to have another child, it is quite common, and she is no longer entitled to be informed of any medical procedures he has.
"Vasectomy should only be undertaken with the intention of it being a permanent form of long-term contraception, having taken into consideration that one’s circumstances can possibly change in the future"
Image credits: Gustavo Fring / pexels (not the actual photo)
To learn more about this topic, we got in touch with Dr. Doron Boone, Medical Director of the Bristol Vasectomy Clinic. Dr. Boone has performed over 17,000 vasectomies since 1985 and was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda about these procedures.
"The no-scalpel minimal access procedure with fascial interposition I perform has the very highest rate of success in sperm clearance and is akin to that usually performed in North America, as opposed to the procedure most often performed in the UK," the expert shared.
But despite how safe the procedure is, Dr. Boone says it's not something anyone should rush into. "Vasectomy should only be undertaken with the intention of it being a permanent form of long-term contraception, having taken into consideration that one’s circumstances can possibly change in the future such as: future regret about permanence of vasectomy; a change of heart by one’s existing partner; relationship breakdown with present partner and the wishes of a new partner; loss of an existing child; and an improvement of present limiting financial circumstances," the doctor noted.
We were also curious about the process itself. "Although a vasectomy should be a quick and almost painless procedure with minimal chance of complications in expert hands, a man should understand that a vasectomy reversal is painful, usually accompanied by significant bruising, expensive and almost always not funded by the NHS and not successful in a significant proportion of men," Dr. Boone shared.
"In the US, up to 6 percent of men who undergo vasectomy change their minds and wish to father more children. The incidence is generally higher in men who have undergone vasectomy under the age of 30 years," he continued.
But there's always a small chance that a reversal will not be successful. "Following vasectomy, men begin to produce more anti-sperm antibodies which, along with the physical interruption of the vas deferens and these antibodies which kill the sperm, tend to increase over time. Thus, even when a successful reversal procedure has taken place, conception may be elusive in some cases."
"Successful reversal is dependent on the method employed for the initial vasectomy and the time interval between the vasectomy and the reversal, but generally, in expert hands using microsurgical techniques, conception rates of 67% can be achieved," Dr. Boone shared. "In my experience (of patient enquiries), the most common reason to request reversal is following the development of a new relationship."
"A skilled vasectomy surgeon should perform the procedure in such a way to cause minimal trauma to the remaining vas in order to facilitate a reversal should the man subsequently wish to have the procedure reversed," the doctor added.
Moms and dads should be careful to keep the kids out of their conflicts when co-parenting
Image credits: Gustavo Fring / pexels (not the actual photo)
In this particular case, however, the issue seems to be more about the Jen’s trouble accepting that her ex-husband will be starting a new family than the fact that he had his vasectomy reversed. Going through divorce is one thing, but seeing your ex-partner move forward with a new stage in their life can be difficult to watch, even if you’re over the relationship.
When it comes to having a healthy blended family, HelpGuide recommends being respectful and civil towards everyone involved. It’s best to be compassionate towards all parties and allow family members room for growth. It might not be easy for everyone to accept the new arrangement immediately, whether your kids or your ex-wife starts throwing a fit. Understand that it might take time to adjust.
Children feel more secure and are mentally and emotionally healthier when their parents have a good relationship, even if they’re divorced, so it’s best to find a way to co-parent without creating conflicts. And one way HelpGuide suggests parents do that is to avoid ever putting their kids in the middle.
Don’t make them pick a side, and don’t inform them of issues that they don’t need to know about. Kids should be allowed to just be kids without having to worry about what’s going on between Mom and Dad.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this father did anything wrong by keeping this information from his ex-wife? Feel free to share, and then if you’d like to read another Bored Panda piece discussing vasectomy drama, look no further than right here!
Many readers took the dad's side and noted that his ex-wife was being unreasonable
However, some thought the dad should have had a conversation with his ex-wife first
