If you have kids, you know the decision to embark on the parenting journey is like getting on one wild rollercoaster ride. But despite the sleep deprivation, financial burdens, and the search for that non-existent work-life balance you're so desperate to find, no one will ever question your choice. There are many reasons for people to want to bring little bundles of joy into this world, after all. But as shared by people in various 'Ask Reddit' threads, there are also plenty of valid reasons not to.
A Pew Research Center study found that more adults (around 44% of people ages 18 to 49) report they’re unlikely or "not too likely" to have children — ever. But even though they consciously choose to forego parenthood altogether, the pressure to have kids is still huge. Childfree people often face a fair share of stigma and hear the accusatory murmurs that they're missing out. But are they, really?
In a bid to find out why so many opt for a childfree life, several Redditors delved deeper into the subject. They sparked discussions online that quickly turned into very interesting reads. We’ve gone through their threads and gathered some of the most illuminating answers to share with you all, so check them out right below. Keep reading to also find our interview with Erin Spurling, founder of Curiously Childfree. Then, upvote the ones you agree with and be sure to share your own thoughts with us in the comments.
#21
Many reasons:
- i like being alone
- i value more than anything my personal/lonely time
- i don't want or need to significantly change my life. It took me 35 years to feel confortable
- i'm not close to finish travelling the world whenever i want
- i'm not rich and don't want to spent my extra money on raising a child
- i find a dog more cute than a baby or a child
- i don't like noise and scream
- i don't think it's necessary to repopulate this world
- i don't feel the need to have someone with my blood
- i don't feel the need to pass on a legacy as i don't have anything particular
- i don't feel the urgency to have someone taking care of me when i'll be old and honestly i find it a little bit selfish
- i seriously lack of self confidence and i don't want to raise a slobby shy child
- i feel pretty childish in my head and need "to go back" to that spirit.
- i like being alone
- i value more than anything my personal/lonely time
- i don't want or need to significantly change my life. It took me 35 years to feel confortable
- i'm not close to finish travelling the world whenever i want
- i'm not rich and don't want to spent my extra money on raising a child
- i find a dog more cute than a baby or a child
- i don't like noise and scream
- i don't think it's necessary to repopulate this world
- i don't feel the need to have someone with my blood
- i don't feel the need to pass on a legacy as i don't have anything particular
- i don't feel the urgency to have someone taking care of me when i'll be old and honestly i find it a little bit selfish
- i seriously lack of self confidence and i don't want to raise a slobby shy child
- i feel pretty childish in my head and need "to go back" to that spirit.
91points
Apart from the social stigma that inevitably comes when one decides to opt out of parenthood, there’s also the pressure from friends and family members who consistently ask to reconsider. According to Erin, lots of parents have hopes of having grandchildren one day, so the pressure can often come from them. Moreover, having kids is emphasized within certain cultures and religions too, so that becomes an added strain. "Once siblings and friends start having them, then questions often begin," she said.
"I’m due to get married next month, and although my fiancé and I have always been very open with family and friends about not wanting to have children, I am still fully expecting questions to start after the wedding, on the assumption that being married might change our minds."
#22
Because I love being alone, I love silence, I love being relaxed, I love having time for myself, I love spoiling myself, I love that nobody’s life depends on me. I’d rather have a dog than a child. Dogs are better than humans.
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88points
#24
To start with, they're super expensive, and my husband and I can barely pay our bills each month. Secondly, US maternity and paternity leave is a joke, not to mention our s**t medical/insurance situation and Republicans trying to make it illegal to terminate ectopic pregnancies (or any pregnancy). Thirdly, climate change and rejection of any effort to curb it doesn't exactly inspire me to produce a kid. Fourthly, the rise of Nazism, conspiracy theorists (Q and antivaxxers, for instance), white supremacy, and nationalists who seem to live for violence does not inspire confidence in a rosy future. Fifthly, I'm not eager to deal with another person's bodily fluids on the regular.
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78points
Needless to say, it can be very annoying when others continually ask personal questions instead of minding their own business and respecting our choices. Erin explained that these behaviors can create a sense that people (family or not) think we don’t know our own minds. "[This] is very frustrating, especially as nobody would question us if we did want to have them, despite the huge, life-altering implications of having a child. Very few people ask those who want to be parents, whether they are completely sure — it’s just accepted and celebrated."
#26
I can't care for myself when i'm down, so how can i care for a child?
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75points
#27
Many people would tell me that I'm still too young to know, but here are some reasons:
1. I am really afraid of vomit. Morning sickness and puking children sounds like something outta a horror movie to me.
2. The process of birth is super painful and absolutely terrifying.
3. I don't want to ruin my body after birth. I see how unhappy my mom is with her body (after three kids) and that makes me so sad and discourages me from wanting kids.
4. Sleepless nights
5. My dream career is super busy and highly demanding. If I ever suceed in that field, I don't know if I will have time for kids.
6. I've seen how bratty some kids are. No thanks.
7. Kids are very f*****g expensive to take care for. I've seen so many people who are financially not in the place to have more than one kids. Somehow they have multiple kids and are struggling so much.
8. Kids crying p**s me off beyond belief. Like, to the point, that I wanna smack them in the face and yell "SHUT UP!" That's not something a mom should think.
9. Seeing bratty kids get owned gives me seratonin.
I am well aware that this mindset could change, and I have absolutely nothing against people who decide to have kids, but so far I am worrying about school and my future and kids terrify me. I may consider adopting an older kid in the future when I'm the right age, graduated everything I need (if I do) and have some kind of stable career.
If you wanna have kids - have kids, but I'm not exited for upcomming questions from my relatives when I'm older: "When will you give us grandchildren? Are you still single? When will you have kids?" Ugh.
P. S. I'm also bisexual female, so, more life choices for my relatives to judge me on :)
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75points
If you feel like you have to defend your "selfish" childfree lifestyle and struggle with countless comments and questions from others, Erin had a few pieces of advice to share. "Be safe in the knowledge that nobody knows you like you do. Friends and family might want you to have children but only you know what is truly right for you. Acknowledge that you might regret it, because you might, in the same way you could regret literally any decision you make in life — none of us can predict the future."
"You have to make a decision based on what you know and feel right now, and fear of missing out or someone else’s opinion are never good enough reasons to have a child. Also, don’t feel that you always have to justify your choice (I used to feel like this) — 'I don’t want to have children' is a complete sentence. It doesn’t have to be, 'I don’t want children because of X, Y and Z,'" Erin concluded.
#28
Known since middle school.
Didn't have a cheery upbringing. Lot of friends growing up didn't either. I spent a lot of my childhood being mad about my circumstances in life, and the circumstances of others and fighting (sometimes literally) for them. I got to see how others were raised. I got to see all the little broken ways they developed. I hated it. Life was too precious and too great to risk it crashing down due to someone "trying their best" when their best just flat out isn't enough for a kid. I feared I'd never be able to do that. For me or anyone. It made me very avoidant of relationships too. I was everybody's friend, nobody's best friend. Attachments made me anxious. They still do. Cause after all, I'm as broken as all the people I tried to protect and fix.
That's why I don't want kids. That's why I never want to raise kids. I know perfect shouldn't be the enemy of good, but I feel like even good isn't achievable in this world, by me. Not now, and likely never. My failings shouldn't be the failings of my offspring, much as my parents' failings shaped the failings I have today still.
72points
#29
I don't want to destroy my body and be treated as an incubator and lose my identity as a person. Pregnancy seems to give all of society the right to judge and demand behaviour of women with no inclination to actually help them. I have a friend whose organs fall out if her bowel movement is too hard and the surgery to fix it is "elective".
The horror birthing stories I've had to listen to has been enough to validate my decision.
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70points
#30
Self-awareness. I am the one to end the family curse of anger, violence, betrayal and gaslighting. I am not going to put my future children in that situation. Also, cancer, diabetes and bad cholesterol run in the family.
I am good with my pets. Cats and dogs. I love them and they give me the love I need in my life to function in this world and actually live a peaceful and purposeful life. I have friends who can't and do not want children as well so I am in the right crowd and dont feel like I am missing out on something.
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66points
#31
We're overpopulated and destroying this world. There are plenty of children who already exist and who are suffering. Things like jobs are limited, if I bring a child into the world as I'm in a fairly good economic position, I'd like to give that child everything I can, that child would have an almost guaranteed place in a good university and would only make things harder for the ones who already have it worse. That child would become part of the problem (and you could say "ok, but you can teach that child about inequality, etc." but that child has no reason to be interested on the topic or to listen to me).
Children don't need to be born. As they don't exist, they need nothing. Bringing them into the world would make them have needs. Needs bring suffering, suffering is part of existing, as dying or seeing the ones you love die also is.
I can't guarantee that my children would be born healthy, or would remain healthy during their lives. Many things can happen over which you've got no control, and you won't always be able to solve their problems. Your child can be raped, your child can rape someone else, etc.
I understand that my children could be people with very different interests from mine or have a totally different personality. We could not get along, I could cause trauma to them, etc. I've got no reason to think I'd be a particularly good parent, and I think most people suck at parenting.
I also think that we humans have a tendency to be unhappy, to focus on what's missing. I don't think I know many happy people, so it seems unlikely to me that they would be happy as adults anyway.
Then comes money, giving birth, sleepless nights, etc, etc.
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64points
#32
I want to spend my *entire* life doing things for myself and focusing on my own happiness. I have career goals that would be hindered by childcare. The expenses of children are not worth it. I also have a genetic movement disorder that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Most importantly, I would resent motherhood. It wouldn't be fair on the child. Kids deserve to feel wanted, and I wouldn't be able to provide that.
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62points
#34
Have you looked out the window lately? Why would I actively help someone's life be miserable?
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56points
#35
I just don’t want f*****g kids man.. nothing about them seems pleasant. Loud, ignorant, “my mommy says I can eat chips like that”, beating up my stuff, “watch me” and then do some dumb a*s s**t. Nah man, kids aren’t for me.
Runs into a wall and screams uncontrollably, they’re f*****g expensive, have to share every f*****g thing because they don’t understand boundaries, having to teach them what a boundary is, being seen as a bad parent because my kid is crying, being seen as a bad parent because my kid gets what he wants, can’t have quiet time, parental problems, child support, disappointing them in the future, having to think not only for yourself but for them too, running around doing things because you have too, not being able to just walk away, no spontaneous plans allowed, can’t sleep, s**t diapers and s**t toys that cost 100+ and either breaks or they don’t care enough to play with them, school funding, can’t invest, can’t have your favourite food because they’ll beg and cry if you don’t give ‘em any, formula is expensive asf. Please do I need to go on?
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53points
#36
I don't wanna bring kids into this f****d up a*s world
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52points
#37
Well for starters I don’t like kids. I don’t like sticky hands. I don’t like messes. I don’t like having to assure there’s no monsters under the bed or explain why it’s important to wash your hands. I don’t want to have to do any of that.
Second, it’s just a financial nightmare, especially currently. I can’t even afford to buy a house, I sure as f**k can’t afford to provide for a tiny human! Hell, I can barely afford to provide for myself.
Third, my mom has rheumatoid arthritis. I have been her caregiver since I was a teenager. My dad worked late hours to provide for us. He died of cancer when I was 21. Since then it’s been me looking after her, while getting through school and pursuing my own life goals. I gave up my adolescence being someone’s caretaker. I don’t want to give up my middle age to the same thing.
Fourth, look at the planet. Not the people, not the governments, not the war, not any of that mess. Look. At. The Planet. Rising temperatures, dwindling resources, increasingly volatile weather patterns. This generation is the last one to enjoy a world that is anything like the one of our past. Future generations have a mess of environmental issues to contend with, and I don’t wish it on anyone.
I would feel horribly guilty bringing a child into this world knowing the nightmare of environmental fuckery that’s going to be just reaching its stride when I check out.
Finally, and most importantly, I don’t want to dedicate my life to raising someone else! I want financial and physical freedom. I don’t want to have to find a babysitter, or hire a nanny, or pay for school! I want to be able to go on a weekend getaway on a whim. I like being able to buy myself a goodie or treat here and there without worrying about paying for junior’s daycare. Most important of all, I want to be able to come home and do whatever the hell I want to do, not help a kid with homework, and bedtime, and all that stuff.
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51points
#38
I can tell my partner I love her more than anyone else in the world and actually mean it.
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49points
#39
People say it changes your life. My life is awesome and I don't want it changing. I'm 40, never married and me and my girlfriend do what we want, when we want.
Why would we give this up to change shitty nappies, halve the amount of hours we sleep, lose our social life and spend all our money on kids? Mental.
Why would we give this up to change shitty nappies, halve the amount of hours we sleep, lose our social life and spend all our money on kids? Mental.
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48points