My grandparents made the most adorable couple I had ever seen. Theirs was a flirtatious marriage that lasted well over 60 years. Obviously, there were those days when they bickered or were extra mean to each other. But the way they cared for one another, I have never seen a love like that. In today’s age of fleeting romance, their extraordinary relationship seemed like something straight out of a rom-com. Long-term relationships are often romanticized because a lot of fiction pushes the narrative of “happily ever after.” In reality, they don’t just magically last; they are challenging and require effort from both partners. After all, these romantic bonds can be pretty fragile, and they can easily fall apart. It’s hardly surprising that “gray divorce” became so trendy in recent years. As for why long-term relationships fail, the reasons are numerous. They can include infidelity, financial stress, loss of emotional connection, no proper communication, or just growing apart. However, American psychologist and professor Dr. John Gottman conducted extensive research for decades and concluded that it’s not always the big things, but the small ones, that actually destroy long-term relationships. We discuss all about his research in this article. We also look at the complexities of long-term relationships, what works in them, what doesn’t, and how to actually thrive in one. Moreover, Bored Panda got an exclusive interview with Irina Firstein, a licensed individual and couples counseling therapist from New York. Among other things, she discussed misconceptions about long-term relationships and how these bonds have changed over the past few decades. Sara Oliveira / Unsplash According to a 2025 survey of 5,000 single people, 46% said they were ready for a long-term relationship, and 73% believed romantic love could last forever. I hate to break their bubble, but love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Once autonomy creeps in and the spark “dulls” over the years, that’s when their bond gets tested. After all, life keeps changing constantly. From new milestones to unexpected challenges, or from huge moves to tragic incidents, everything that happens affects us. Of course, we evolve because of these things, and so do our partners. We see all versions of each other. But since we are so used to one another, we might not notice all the changes. Familiarity can also breed indifference if we start to take our partners for granted. Irina Firstein explained, “So many couples come to me ‘broken.’ But when we really start to explore, I find that they simply relegated their partner to the bottom of their list with the idea ‘he or she will never leave me.’ A relationship is a voluntary arrangement, not something guaranteed forever. Keeping in mind that you can’t take your partner for granted usually compels one to treat it as a precious thing that needs attention and sensitivity.” She also pointed out that the “connection” with a partner is very important, and people need to stay vigilant about it. Distance and change might affect this connection, so partners have to address it before it gets out of hand. Irina added that people in satisfying long-term relationships need to be able and willing to have difficult conversations. And at the same time, they should be equally curious about their own and their partner’s experience. Jamie Grill / Getty Images Basically, both partners should think more about what can harm the connection. For instance, complaints and criticism need to be reframed as an attempt by both to restore the connection and make things better, she adds. After all, it takes two to tango, and two to make a relationship last long. We also conversed with our expert about the misconceptions people have about long-term relationships. “One of the illusions I find myself breaking to couples is that there is unconditional love between people in romantic relationships. Rather, it is a ‘contract’ that renews or doesn’t, all the time,” she told us. While it might sound a little harsh, it’s a perfect comparison to describe a relationship. Irina strongly believes that people get involved and commit to a relationship because they feel they are getting something important out of it and their needs are met or mostly met. “If that stops, disconnection, resentment, or doubt set in and anything may happen,” she warns. As Irina stressed the importance of “connection” between couples, let me tell you about Dr. John Gottman. His research on this connection spanned decades, and he developed a wonderfully interesting theory. Rather than the big moments, he focused on the small, almost forgettable moments in a couple’s daily life. Getty Images / Unsplash Gottman’s “bids for connection” talks about attempts a person makes to connect with their partner. It’s as simple as that. But we don’t always recognize them as bids. Getting a text from your partner, “My colleague is driving me nuts today.” When they make a random observation, “Look, there’s a new Italian restaurant down the lane.” A gentle squeeze of affection while conversing. Or a simple sigh after a long day. Believe it or not, but these extremely ordinary moments are all bids. And they are the biggest clue as to whether a couple will make it or not. To come to this groundbreaking conclusion, he observed couples’ discussions about their relationship in “The Love Lab.” He looked at their simple interactions and even tracked how people responded to their partners’ bids. He continued the research 6 years later. The couples who were still happily married were called “masters” of relationships. They responded positively to each other’s bids 86% of the time. On the other hand, couples who were divorced or remained together but were unhappy were termed “disasters.” They responded to the bids only 33% of the time. Gottman wrote about it in his book, The Relationship Cure. “After many months of watching these tapes with my students, it dawned on me. Maybe it’s not the depth of intimacy in conversations that matters. Maybe it doesn’t even matter whether couples agree or disagree. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other, no matter what they’re talking about or doing.” Basically, his research suggests the secret to a happy marriage might not be avoiding arguments or having perfect chemistry. It could be all about how couples show up for each other in the small, almost forgettable daily moments. jet-po / Magnific Gottman claimed that people respond to their partner’s bid in 3 ways. A pattern develops after tens of thousands of responses to these tiny moments, and this pattern can almost forecast the survival or end of a relationship. Let’s look at the 3 responses. Turning toward: This one is about acknowledging your partner’s bid and engaging with it. For instance, when they text you about their colleague driving them nuts, you reply by telling them to "hang in there” or simply share a relatable meme to make them laugh. It’s not about going overboard, but about letting your partner know they are seen, heard, and that they matter. Turning away: This means you either ignore or completely miss the bid. For instance, if they tell you about a new Italian restaurant, you keep scrolling on your phone instead of listening to them. It might not be intentional, just inattention, as you might be lost in your own thoughts. One missed or ignored bid means nothing. But when it happens often, your partner might feel uneasy and like they are “alone” in the relationship. Turning against: This is when you dismiss or reject the bid with hostility. For instance, when they sigh after a long day, you ask them to be quiet as you are trying to focus on work. You might not intend to be cruel. You might be overwhelmed, so a harsh response comes out. But even without that intent, it can damage relationships and reduce trust. These bids for connection aren’t just about ensuring a long-term relationship. They are actually biological, and that’s what attachment theory is all about. We are always looking for a connection, right from our birth. Our nervous system is always tuned into our partner, and it silently asks them whether they are there for us and whether we are enough for them. Every tiny moment is about these questions. The ratio of how often they make a bid and how you respond (and vice versa) can either create a sense of security or trigger loneliness. That’s why bids matter. Wikipedia.org Now that we have established the importance of these attempts to connect, the real question is how often people can make bids today. After all, long-term relationships have changed massively. Irina Firstein elaborated that over the last 20-30 years, economic realities have placed more emphasis on work. “Overall, people work more, which takes them away from their partners. Families are more fractured and tend to live in different geographic locations. This is isolating and provides less support. Friends move away. When most needs for everything fall on a partner, it leads to distress and disappointment,” she continued. Irina also spoke about other factors that really challenge long-term relationships. She adds that social media creates distance and sets impossible expectations and standards. I mean, most people show how “happy” they are with their relationships; it might make you insecure about your own. “Then there are dating apps that promise instantaneous options for new loves. Also, the rise of work-from-home culture can get pretty tricky. It might feel good to have your partner around. But people don’t realize that blending work and relationships can get confusing and might trigger conflicts,” Irina noted. picture alliance / Getty Images That’s definitely something to think about. In an age where people are constantly busy, eternally online, or have other options if a relationship doesn’t stand the test of time, it can be really difficult to maintain a connection. However, looking at Gottman’s theory, I think we should keep making bids all the time if we want our relationships to thrive. Think about the massive difference between “masters” and “disasters” and how they responded to their partners. 86% of the time and 33% of the time. It just shows how powerful bids are. In fact, I would suggest reaching out often. Leave notes on lunch boxes, pat shoulders as you pass, send an encouraging text on a tough day, wink at an inside joke when surrounded by friends, or kiss them before going to work (Gottman’s rule of thumb: every kiss should last at least 6 seconds). Do it all. Show your partner that you really want to connect. Become a master at it. After all, Gottman observed that at dinner, thriving couples made up to 100 bids for connection in 10 minutes. Meanwhile, couples who were struggling only made 65. So now that you know whether your relationship lasts or not might just be in your hands, how many bids are you willing to make?
