A reversal of fortunes.
It’s very painful to think back about what happened to my friendship with Annie, but I will miss her until the day I die.
We met at work when I was 25 and she was 22. It was a small office and we were the only two girls. She was such a sweet, fun, classy person and we bonded immediately. We spent the next 5 years working side by side sharing our joys, happinesses, trials and tribulations. I shared things with her that I never shared with anyone else and she did the same with me. We were closer than sisters.
Annie had a wonderful, carefree life. She and her husband were quite well off compared to me and mine. She was working to put her husband through medical school, but she had also inherited some money and they were well off financially. They went on regular scuba diving vacations to the Bahamas. They purchased a home at the same time we did in a more exclusive neighborhood and installed a pool and upscale landscaping. They purchased a boat. All in all she had a beautiful life, and I was so proud to have her as a friend.
My life, in comparison, was a struggle. We lived pay check to pay check. There was never enough money for unexpected, but necessary, expenses. We had a son, so while Annie and her husband were traveling and vacationing, we were spending our money on daycare, preschool, and after school care.
I lived vicariously through Annie’s life. I loved hearing about her vacations and the people they travelled with. I loved seeing the jewelry she received for special occasions. Once, after telling me about something going on in her life, she got quiet and then asked me a serious question. “Do you ever get jealous when I talk about this stuff?” It surprised me. I told her no and that I loved hearing about all the fun places and things she was able to go to and do. But she asked again…like she just couldn’t understand, “But how can you not be jealous?” I told her I was just happy for her and was hopeful that I would one day be able to do those things as well…maybe one day when our son moved away from home…and we laughed and life went on.
Eleven years into our friendship, her husband was a doctor, they lived in a beautiful upscale community in Florida, and a nanny for her daughter since she still worked. My husband and I were still struggling in the same house with the same financial issues. During a particularly terrible time (by then we had two children), I called her crying and she sent me an airline ticket to Florida. I literally ran away from home and lived with her for 10 days before I was able to get myself sorted out and return home. It was something I’ll always cherish.
Fast forward another 10+ years when we are both in our early 40’s, Annie starts falling on hard times and my career begins to take off. Annie and her husband file for bankruptcy, lose almost everything and eventually divorce. She moves to another state and spends another lump sum inheritance on a small business that goes bust within the year. She calls and tells me she doesn’t know how she will be able to put food on the table for her children (she has 3 at this time). I wake up in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep thinking about her. I empty my wallet and send her $180 with a loving note about how confident I am that things are going to turn around. Annie goes back to work and struggles but manages to scrap up enough money to buy a starter home. We continue to talk long distance. Meanwhile, I’m promoted and transferred to another state. We stay in touch. She visits to see the new house and stays for a few days. When we talk, she seems disappointed that my husband and I are doing okay. She reminds me of issues we’ve had in the past.
Fast forward another few years, I am promoted and transferred yet again. With every promotion, she asks what my new salary is. I tell her. I trust her. I look at her as a sister. We have no secrets. She says she’s proud of me and that I’ve taught her so much. I tell her how much she means to me.
But there is something I’m beginning to notice. The last time I saw her, she came to visit the new house as she was passing through our town. She seemed shocked and almost disappointed that I was driving a luxury car. Something in her tone about how I was moving up in the world. We laughed about the rusty car I used to drive where I killed a roach with a hammer as I was driving. I began to feel self-conscious when she commented on the “Rock” I was wearing on my ring finger. I downplayed it. It’s not so big. It just looks big. It was a gift to myself. I pull my hands back so it’s not so visible. I’m sensing something, but can’t quite understand what it is.
Fast forward a few more years to 2007 (32 years into the friendship). We are talking on the phone, and I mention that we are going on a trip to Las Vegas and how excited I am. She says she has a $100 chip from the Mirage that she’s going to send me. I protest, but she insists it’s money she owes me. I’m perplexed. You don’t owe me any money. And what she says next is like a knife to the heart because she almost spits it out and her voice is full of venom and hate “for the $180”. We were silent for a few seconds as her words hung in the air. I was speechless. It took my breath away. I mumbled okay and she mailed it to me.
I thought a lot about that conversation and replayed our friendship in my head. I immediately regretted sending her the money. I had sent it 10 years earlier and completely forgot about it. She had not. I remembered what she had done for me when she flew me to Florida and I wanted to do something for her. I couldn’t fly her to my home because she was a single parent with two children still in school. In hindsight, I thought maybe I should have asked before sending the money. It seemed to me that I was doing most of the calling and staying in touch, anyway, but we both had busy lives so I didn’t think too much about it. But replaying conversations, I began to think that maybe she thought of me as the friend who was always worse off than she was. That maybe I was supposed to be the poor friend. That maybe I was the friend she used to gauge how well she was doing. And that maybe it made her unhappy hearing how well my life was going when her’s wasn’t going so well.
I called from Las Vegas and left a light hearted message about playing the chip for millions and losing. After that message, I decided to let her call me when she was ready. For three years, she never called. It broke my heart, but I didn’t want to make her unhappy by calling. We quit exchanging birthday cards. It made me wonder how she viewed me when our fortunes were reversed. Did she pity me in those early years? Did she think that now that our fortunes were reversed that I thought any less of her? I don’t know, but it makes me incredibly sad.
And then, out of the blue, three years later she called. I was ecstatic. We laughed and talked for 2 hours and it was just like old times. She encouraged me to call her every now and then, but as I promised I would, I knew I wouldn’t unless she called first. I just wasn’t sure whether she was being polite or really wanted to reestablish the friendship and I didnt want to cause her any unhappiness.
Sadly, she never called again. One night in 2018, after hearing that a coworker from years ago had died I felt a strong urge to google Annie. It was then that I found out she had passed away in 2017, almost a year to the day. I cried for days and still cry whenever I think about her. I initially regretted not calling her, but after learning that she continued to struggle, I was glad I waited for her to call me. I believe that it was painful for her to compare our lives and she was happier not knowing how my life was going.
Rest In Peace, Annie. I have never stopped loving you and am sorry if I was insensitive or hurt you in any way.
