Couples Reveal 45 Weird Things They Do That Keep Their Relationship Strong And Fun

Both our interviewed relationship experts agree that truly being yourself is essential in romantic relationships, but the comfort levels at first can depend on how long the couple has been together.

"If your relationship is newer, you probably haven't had the time to create a secure attachment bond, so you might feel a little less able to be yourself. It's almost like you're still in the job interview phase. If you have been with your partner for longer, feeling like you can be yourself is a sign that you feel truly seen, loved, and accepted for who you actually are," explains couples therapist Erin Thomas.

"Being yourself in a romantic relationship isn't just important, it's absolutely essential for building what I call a connection-based relationship! Here's the thing: if you're not being authentic, you're setting yourself up for a function-based relationship where you're valued for what you do rather than who you are," says Kristal DeSantis, LMFT, and author of STRONG: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man.

"When you hide parts of yourself or perform a version of yourself that you think your partner wants, you're robbing both of you of the opportunity for genuine connection. Your partner falls in love with a performance, not with you. And you end up exhausted from maintaining a performance, a facade, constantly worried that if they see the "real" you, they'll leave.

Real relational safety comes from knowing you are WANTED as a person, not just NEEDED to fulfill a function. That's what creates the foundation for a strong relationship, where both people can show up authentically and build something lasting together."

That said, relationship experts reassure that feeling self-conscious or hesitant about doing certain things around your partner is completely normal in long-term relationships.

"Our relationships go in phases, and different life events can make us have to re-work our relationships. Major life events like moving, having kids, getting pets, dealing with in-laws, getting a different job, and more, can bring out different aspects of ourselves that impact how we interact with our partners.

Being in a relationship means regularly paying attention to what is working and what isn't and making necessary changes. If self-doubt or hesitation starts creeping into a long-term relationship where it wasn't there before, it's a signal worth exploring," says Thomas.

"You have a nervous system that's constantly scanning for safety, and vulnerability always activates our danger sensors to some degree. Even in the healthiest relationships, opening yourself up (whether that's sharing a difficult emotion, trying something new, or being physically intimate) requires you to step outside your comfort zone," adds DeSantis.

"Discomfort with vulnerability can show up as self-consciousness, but can often come from old patterns and triggers that predate your current relationship ie, maybe you were shamed for being emotional as a kid, or criticized for not being "good enough" at something in a past relationship. These experiences create triggers that can show up even when you're with a safe, loving partner.

The key is recognizing when you're bumping up against a growth edge, versus when you're actually unsafe. If your partner has consistently shown themselves to be trustworthy and accepting, but you still feel hesitant to be vulnerable, that could be your old safety-seeking system trying to protect you from past wounds. Learning to self-regulate and communicate about these triggers is part of building emotional safety in your relationship."

Since a little discomfort is normal in relationships, feeling self-conscious around your partner isn't a straightforward sign of incompatibility. To feel more at ease with each other, there are steps couples can take, like practicing vulnerability, setting boundaries, and engaging in activities that promote intimacy, like open conversations or therapy, suggests DeSantis.

Thomas also recommends trying out the following:

1. Try not to figure out the disconnection when you're escalated (think heart rate in a workout zone). Come back when you're calmer, and see if you can figure out where things went off the rails.
2. Increase positive moments together. Try some of these: sitting together on the couch and watching a show, asking each other what the high and low of your day was, or just sending a positive lunchtime text.
3. In the same vein as a gratitude list, see if you can come up with a couple of appreciations for your partner each day (your choice whether you keep it to yourself or share with them).

"In my line of work, the only time I genuinely think a couple is incompatible is if one person is not willing to make any changes or they're not motivated to make the relationship better. If you find it really difficult to repair conflicts or increase your level of comfort with your partner, it is probably time to consider couples therapy," she additionally advises.

"Both people have to be willing to do this work. If one person is committed to growth and the other refuses to acknowledge their impact or work on their patterns, that's when you might have a compatibility issue," agrees DeSantis.

"Sometimes, persistent discomfort is a sign that someone is not safe to be vulnerable with. If your partner consistently dismisses your feelings, violates your boundaries, or responds to your vulnerability with criticism or attack, that's not a skills issue–that's a safety issue. Trust your body. If someone makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells or constantly perform to earn their love, that's not the foundation for a safe, strong relationship."