Many couples nowadays think more than twice before deciding if they want to have kids. As a society, we're more aware of how much time, work, and sacrifice it takes to raise a human being. But, more importantly, we understand that it's not a duty, but a choice.
According to the Pew Research Center, the number of people in their 20s and 30s who plan to have children dropped from about 90% in 2012 to 76% in 2023. In 10 years, attitudes toward being parents have changed significantly. Each person has a different story and reasoning, yet one thing unites most of them.
It's the constant comments from other people: "You'll change your mind." Or "You will want them when you meet the right person." Childfree people hear a lot of wild things directed at them almost daily, and we're highlighting the weirdest reasons folks have given them for why they "should have" children.
#1
"Only horrible people don't have children"
So I asked her for the names of Jesus' kids.
So I asked her for the names of Jesus' kids.
51points
#2
"Maybe if you got pregnant, [your husband] wouldn't be so angry all the time!".
Diviern:
So many women learn the hard way that having a child with an angry man just makes him even more angry and resentful.
Diviern:
So many women learn the hard way that having a child with an angry man just makes him even more angry and resentful.
36points
#3
"Just have one so you don't feel alone."
But I like feeling alone. It's quiet, peaceful, I have space to think and feel and travel and write and read. Alone is not the same as lonely! Also, I have a dog.
imnotlouise:
My husband and I have been separated fir a few years, our kids are grown, and I now occasionally get to enjoy not having to do anything for anyone. I love my alone time!
But I like feeling alone. It's quiet, peaceful, I have space to think and feel and travel and write and read. Alone is not the same as lonely! Also, I have a dog.
imnotlouise:
My husband and I have been separated fir a few years, our kids are grown, and I now occasionally get to enjoy not having to do anything for anyone. I love my alone time!
33points
#4
“Who will you give your inheritance to?”
Our answer was
1. Orphanage
2. An Old age home
3. Some sort of educational foundation that supports kids in need
4. To a Temple that will serve food to the needy.
The outrage was instant.
Elixir_13:
The fact that those people reacted to "I want my inheritance to go toward helping people" by getting angry is a little horrifying, actually.
Our answer was
1. Orphanage
2. An Old age home
3. Some sort of educational foundation that supports kids in need
4. To a Temple that will serve food to the needy.
The outrage was instant.
Elixir_13:
The fact that those people reacted to "I want my inheritance to go toward helping people" by getting angry is a little horrifying, actually.
26points
#5
"You have depression? Have kids, they cure depression."
Like how? By making it double?
Like how? By making it double?
26points
#6
What if you regret it later?
No one asks people who want kids if they'll regret it later, and it's much better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.
Charming_Web_6738:
I actually have a friend who’s mother regretted never having kids when she was younger. So… guess what she did as she got a little older? Adopted my friend and now she has a great life.
pandamaxxie:
"I'll just adopt if I ever change my mind" is a very healthy mentality that I don't understand why it's not common.
Like, my girlfriend and I can't have kids, and we both agree that kids are a distant if ever thing. She's a lot more interested in it than I am, but I'm not opposed if late enough either. I wanna live my life first, yknow?
But like... I don't get what folks have against adopting. It's great! Like what you said, it makes the parent their life better, and the life of the kid!
JessSly:
I always take care of strays. Metaphorically. When my neighbour got old I took him to doctors appointments and went shopping for him. When he went to live in a retirement home I kept his dog. Doggo was 14, with a bad hip, kidney problems, almost deaf and not trained at all. He would've been put down in a shelter. That way I could take him with me to visit the neighbour. I also adopted a senior cat with kidney problems from a shelter. Last year I adopted two cats from our shelter that were in a special, open area where they could hide from humans. My boy cat was/is traumatized and spent the first month in the cat tree hissing at me. The girl cat was a stray and still won't let me touch her. We cuddle with my face against her :D At the shelter works an old woman (80+) who I stayed in contact with. This Friday I'm going to her place to assemble a wardrobe she ordered. Also last year a carrier pigeon came to my patio and stayed with me for a week. I gave her food and water and she walked around like a foot away from me as if she knew I would take care of her.
I'm nearing my 40s and would love to have kids, but I'm single and gay, so there aren't many chances. Pretty sure a child will find its way into my life one way or another. The neighbours boy explained that to his mom 'Like when Jess finds a girlfriend who already has a child'. Cool kid, had no idea he knew I was gay. Maybe I should adopt him, but he's officially an adult, I don't think that would work.
No one asks people who want kids if they'll regret it later, and it's much better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.
Charming_Web_6738:
I actually have a friend who’s mother regretted never having kids when she was younger. So… guess what she did as she got a little older? Adopted my friend and now she has a great life.
pandamaxxie:
"I'll just adopt if I ever change my mind" is a very healthy mentality that I don't understand why it's not common.
Like, my girlfriend and I can't have kids, and we both agree that kids are a distant if ever thing. She's a lot more interested in it than I am, but I'm not opposed if late enough either. I wanna live my life first, yknow?
But like... I don't get what folks have against adopting. It's great! Like what you said, it makes the parent their life better, and the life of the kid!
JessSly:
I always take care of strays. Metaphorically. When my neighbour got old I took him to doctors appointments and went shopping for him. When he went to live in a retirement home I kept his dog. Doggo was 14, with a bad hip, kidney problems, almost deaf and not trained at all. He would've been put down in a shelter. That way I could take him with me to visit the neighbour. I also adopted a senior cat with kidney problems from a shelter. Last year I adopted two cats from our shelter that were in a special, open area where they could hide from humans. My boy cat was/is traumatized and spent the first month in the cat tree hissing at me. The girl cat was a stray and still won't let me touch her. We cuddle with my face against her :D At the shelter works an old woman (80+) who I stayed in contact with. This Friday I'm going to her place to assemble a wardrobe she ordered. Also last year a carrier pigeon came to my patio and stayed with me for a week. I gave her food and water and she walked around like a foot away from me as if she knew I would take care of her.
I'm nearing my 40s and would love to have kids, but I'm single and gay, so there aren't many chances. Pretty sure a child will find its way into my life one way or another. The neighbours boy explained that to his mom 'Like when Jess finds a girlfriend who already has a child'. Cool kid, had no idea he knew I was gay. Maybe I should adopt him, but he's officially an adult, I don't think that would work.
24points
#7
"I want grandchildren"
Well too bad, we can't have all we want in life.
xenchik:
My dad loved kids. Being a dad was all he ever wanted, and he excelled at it. I remember the day he sold our childhood train set, the family buying it came over, and he got so excited showing the kid how it all worked ... He just loved kids.
Before he died, I apologised to him that he'd never had any grandkids. I felt guilty. He snorted and said, Look, I'm just glad you're happy. It's much better for me that I have happy kids, than if I had some grandkids but my kids were unhappy.
I'll always remember that.
Linzcro:
That’s what I tell my daughter when she asks how I’d feel if she didn’t have kids. I’d love being a grandmother for sure, but I love being my girls mom most. I want to see her happy and I deeply believe having kids is rough on people even under the best circumstances.
Well too bad, we can't have all we want in life.
xenchik:
My dad loved kids. Being a dad was all he ever wanted, and he excelled at it. I remember the day he sold our childhood train set, the family buying it came over, and he got so excited showing the kid how it all worked ... He just loved kids.
Before he died, I apologised to him that he'd never had any grandkids. I felt guilty. He snorted and said, Look, I'm just glad you're happy. It's much better for me that I have happy kids, than if I had some grandkids but my kids were unhappy.
I'll always remember that.
Linzcro:
That’s what I tell my daughter when she asks how I’d feel if she didn’t have kids. I’d love being a grandmother for sure, but I love being my girls mom most. I want to see her happy and I deeply believe having kids is rough on people even under the best circumstances.
21points
#8
I have kids but my best friend is childfree by choice. A few years ago we were hanging out at a bar and a drunk woman heard us chatting about it and told her that she should have kids because other women can't.
"You should spend tens of thousands of dollars and sacrifice your income and free time becuase someone else is infertile" is such a wild take.
GnedTheGnome:
It's an extreme version of, "Clean your plate. There are kids starving in Ethiopia!"
ankhes:
That sounds like what happened to my friend and I. We were at a restaurant talking about kids (she’s a mom and I’m happily childfree) and the woman sitting behind us turns around and interrupts us with “Oh I thought that way too! Then I had kids! Never say never!”
I stared her in the eye and replied “I can’t have children.” (which is true, I had a hysterectomy).
A look of horror washed over her and she choked out “Oh.” Then she hastily turned back to her meal and hustled out of the restaurant in record time.
The moral of this story is: don’t say stuff like that unless you’re willing to hear some deeply uncomfortable things in return.
"You should spend tens of thousands of dollars and sacrifice your income and free time becuase someone else is infertile" is such a wild take.
GnedTheGnome:
It's an extreme version of, "Clean your plate. There are kids starving in Ethiopia!"
ankhes:
That sounds like what happened to my friend and I. We were at a restaurant talking about kids (she’s a mom and I’m happily childfree) and the woman sitting behind us turns around and interrupts us with “Oh I thought that way too! Then I had kids! Never say never!”
I stared her in the eye and replied “I can’t have children.” (which is true, I had a hysterectomy).
A look of horror washed over her and she choked out “Oh.” Then she hastily turned back to her meal and hustled out of the restaurant in record time.
The moral of this story is: don’t say stuff like that unless you’re willing to hear some deeply uncomfortable things in return.
20points
#9
I’m chronically ill and a doctor told me if I had a baby it would distract me from my debilitating symptoms.
mihio94:
Similar one here, expect they said that getting a baby might fix some of my symptoms. I was 21, single and went to the doctor because of debilitating exhaustion and chronic pain so bad that I could barely take care of my basic needs.
Sure, adding a baby to that sounds like a great idea!
Later on I learned that with the combination of symptoms I had, it was actually more likely that a pregnancy would cause a severe flare up of my illness.
laarbor:
I have multiple female family members with reproductive illnesses who were told to have a child to cure or help “distract” them. My aunt has PCOS and was told she should get pregnant to get a year’s break from her body trying to ovulate. She ended up getting a hysterectomy after her last child.
My SIL was told that getting pregnant would cure her endometriosis or at least stop its spread and break up the lesions in her uterus? She ended up needing laparoscopic surgery that showed endometrium throughout her whole abdomen all the way up to her throat, which explained the cyclical vomiting every cycle. Somehow I don’t think pregnancy would’ve cured that.
On the other hand I had a heart arrhythmia that spontaneously cured during pregnancy and hasn’t come back so I got that going for me. My cardiologist was pretty sure it would either not change or get worse during pregnancy but here we are. If only we funded research to better understand physiological gender differences or cared about diseases that only affected women
mihio94:
Similar one here, expect they said that getting a baby might fix some of my symptoms. I was 21, single and went to the doctor because of debilitating exhaustion and chronic pain so bad that I could barely take care of my basic needs.
Sure, adding a baby to that sounds like a great idea!
Later on I learned that with the combination of symptoms I had, it was actually more likely that a pregnancy would cause a severe flare up of my illness.
laarbor:
I have multiple female family members with reproductive illnesses who were told to have a child to cure or help “distract” them. My aunt has PCOS and was told she should get pregnant to get a year’s break from her body trying to ovulate. She ended up getting a hysterectomy after her last child.
My SIL was told that getting pregnant would cure her endometriosis or at least stop its spread and break up the lesions in her uterus? She ended up needing laparoscopic surgery that showed endometrium throughout her whole abdomen all the way up to her throat, which explained the cyclical vomiting every cycle. Somehow I don’t think pregnancy would’ve cured that.
On the other hand I had a heart arrhythmia that spontaneously cured during pregnancy and hasn’t come back so I got that going for me. My cardiologist was pretty sure it would either not change or get worse during pregnancy but here we are. If only we funded research to better understand physiological gender differences or cared about diseases that only affected women
20points
#10
I was told that "not having kids is selfish". I couldn't believe it when they said it, just stunned silence.
When I asked them how not having kids is selfish, they said that my parents probably wanted grandchildren. I told them that if my parents only had kids so they could have grandkids, then they had kids for the wrong reasons.
All this coming from a visibly exhausted dad who was clearly fed up with his 3 kids, which I thought was wild.
If you want to have kids, that's cool! Or not, that's also fine! But don't try to guilt others into having kids, it's a choice couples can make themselves.
Zelmi:
Misery loves company? That sounds like "I had to, so should you" imo
fluffy_doughnut:
I always wonder how is it selfish? To whom? Who suffers from me being selfish? A child that doesn’t exist? Where’s the logic?
I guess people who say that mean that those without children are „selfish” because they choose to do whatever they want while those with children can’t and it’s not fair. They’re just bitter lol
When I asked them how not having kids is selfish, they said that my parents probably wanted grandchildren. I told them that if my parents only had kids so they could have grandkids, then they had kids for the wrong reasons.
All this coming from a visibly exhausted dad who was clearly fed up with his 3 kids, which I thought was wild.
If you want to have kids, that's cool! Or not, that's also fine! But don't try to guilt others into having kids, it's a choice couples can make themselves.
Zelmi:
Misery loves company? That sounds like "I had to, so should you" imo
fluffy_doughnut:
I always wonder how is it selfish? To whom? Who suffers from me being selfish? A child that doesn’t exist? Where’s the logic?
I guess people who say that mean that those without children are „selfish” because they choose to do whatever they want while those with children can’t and it’s not fair. They’re just bitter lol
20points
#11
Not me, but I was with a child-free friend when a random guy told her that she had to have kid/s to be fully human.
Aromatic-Fuel7825:
Ah my male coworker told me that it’s our whole purpose as women. But he thought he was somehow empowering women when he said it.
spacestonkz:
I had a coworker who just lamented my childlessness for me. It was like he was mourning a miscarriage, when I've never been or tried to be pregnant. Just so upset I wouldn't feel my "full womanhood" as he put it.
Whenever he went off about it I would be like, "yo, can we just get step two of this work task done please? We don't get paid to talk about my uterus" and he got upset every time. Ugh.
Aromatic-Fuel7825:
Ah my male coworker told me that it’s our whole purpose as women. But he thought he was somehow empowering women when he said it.
spacestonkz:
I had a coworker who just lamented my childlessness for me. It was like he was mourning a miscarriage, when I've never been or tried to be pregnant. Just so upset I wouldn't feel my "full womanhood" as he put it.
Whenever he went off about it I would be like, "yo, can we just get step two of this work task done please? We don't get paid to talk about my uterus" and he got upset every time. Ugh.
18points
#12
"Thats selfish."
How the hell is it selfish to NOT bring another live into the world? Did you ask consent to your child before you tore them from the freedom of the void?
Dorkitron:
I told a friend I don't want kids because I'm too selfish. I don't want to make the sacrifices parents have to make.
The response was her angrily telling me you CAN'T be selfish when you're a parent.
Right. That's my point.
How the hell is it selfish to NOT bring another live into the world? Did you ask consent to your child before you tore them from the freedom of the void?
Dorkitron:
I told a friend I don't want kids because I'm too selfish. I don't want to make the sacrifices parents have to make.
The response was her angrily telling me you CAN'T be selfish when you're a parent.
Right. That's my point.
18points
#13
I get given a lot of very abstract reasons that basically boil down to “because you’re white”. It’ll usually start with a comment about declining birth rates, and how we all need to contribute, and then if you interrogate it a little further it inevitably winds up with “yes, but we don’t want *those* people”.
17points
#14
Just the usual bogus
- you'll regret it later (mid 40s and no)
- don't you want to pass on your genes? (no)
- humanity will die out if nobody has children (good!)
- blah blah blah.
- you'll regret it later (mid 40s and no)
- don't you want to pass on your genes? (no)
- humanity will die out if nobody has children (good!)
- blah blah blah.
17points
#15
"it's your job as a woman" 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
I'm not an incubator or a nanny, and jobs are things that pay money.
thatweirdguyted:
But don't you see how unfair you're being by not taking on a decades long responsibility to appease the expectations of people you barely know who won't offer any help and will judge all of your struggles and choices? It's very selfish of you.
TheBigKrangTheory:
I was told that I'm not a "real woman" until I have kids and serve my husband.
So what am I then? A potato???
Plus, my husband is fully sterile (by choice/nonreversible). You want me to cheat on him to give him kids that he doesn't want? Sounds like a plan, genius! /s
I'm not an incubator or a nanny, and jobs are things that pay money.
thatweirdguyted:
But don't you see how unfair you're being by not taking on a decades long responsibility to appease the expectations of people you barely know who won't offer any help and will judge all of your struggles and choices? It's very selfish of you.
TheBigKrangTheory:
I was told that I'm not a "real woman" until I have kids and serve my husband.
So what am I then? A potato???
Plus, my husband is fully sterile (by choice/nonreversible). You want me to cheat on him to give him kids that he doesn't want? Sounds like a plan, genius! /s
16points
#16
Well, according to my mother, you should have kids so you can have someone who loves you unconditionally and is happy about you coming home from work or whatever... she was basically describing a dog lol.
16points
#17
“God has a plan for you”
I will fight your god and send that little parasite straight back to him express shipping.
Natti07:
I hate when people say that honestly. Im non religious, but i think that IF a God had a plan for my life, why would that plan have to include having children? Because there are plenty of people who are unable to have children, so if God has a plan, does that mean those people just don't get to be included? So annoying
wangyuzhi31:
You could say that God's plan for you is to be childless.
I will fight your god and send that little parasite straight back to him express shipping.
Natti07:
I hate when people say that honestly. Im non religious, but i think that IF a God had a plan for my life, why would that plan have to include having children? Because there are plenty of people who are unable to have children, so if God has a plan, does that mean those people just don't get to be included? So annoying
wangyuzhi31:
You could say that God's plan for you is to be childless.
15points
#18
"So, then you have to do all the cleaning and garden work by yourself?“ - yes, and to me, free (or cheap) labor definitely seems like the wrong reason to have kids.
ShinyShepherd:
Also nothing cheap about children…
Taytertot0418:
Trust me those tasks are much easier alone than with a small child
IDontWannaGetOutOfBe:
Historically it has been a big reason to have kids.
Underspoken modern truth is that the utility of children is way down - it used to be they could contribute to the family's labor and income by 6 or 8 y/o, and would run off to play with their friends feral the rest of the time, unsupervised.
Now they don't work till 20+ oftentimes, you can't let them out of your sight or the police will show up at your door, and they cost about 1000x more in childcare, healthcare, food, clothing, education. It costs a few 6 figures to raise a middle class kid now.
People have a lot of theories for why kids aren't so popular anymore, and I think the simplest answer is that they cost far more (money, time, investment) and return very little, compared to a historical baseline. Well, and the invention of contraceptives that enables the choice...
To be clear I'm not saying it was good that 6 year olds worked the farm or brought in income. I'm saying it was just historical reality and no longer is. I'm also not saying they weren't loved, just that "we want them because we want something to love" was often not the first calculation made - "we need more hands" was.
ShinyShepherd:
Also nothing cheap about children…
Taytertot0418:
Trust me those tasks are much easier alone than with a small child
IDontWannaGetOutOfBe:
Historically it has been a big reason to have kids.
Underspoken modern truth is that the utility of children is way down - it used to be they could contribute to the family's labor and income by 6 or 8 y/o, and would run off to play with their friends feral the rest of the time, unsupervised.
Now they don't work till 20+ oftentimes, you can't let them out of your sight or the police will show up at your door, and they cost about 1000x more in childcare, healthcare, food, clothing, education. It costs a few 6 figures to raise a middle class kid now.
People have a lot of theories for why kids aren't so popular anymore, and I think the simplest answer is that they cost far more (money, time, investment) and return very little, compared to a historical baseline. Well, and the invention of contraceptives that enables the choice...
To be clear I'm not saying it was good that 6 year olds worked the farm or brought in income. I'm saying it was just historical reality and no longer is. I'm also not saying they weren't loved, just that "we want them because we want something to love" was often not the first calculation made - "we need more hands" was.
14points
#19
Im not child free. I have 3 but from observation I think the weirdest one is “whos gonna take care of you when your old.”
As a mother, i find it wild to suggest that as a legitimate reason to bring children into the world. A retirement plan. Like really?
As a mother, i find it wild to suggest that as a legitimate reason to bring children into the world. A retirement plan. Like really?
14points
#20
What if your husband dies young and then you're all alone?
Because that's a great reason to have kids..... instead of being alone i would be alone as a single mother to my previously unwanted children......
Because that's a great reason to have kids..... instead of being alone i would be alone as a single mother to my previously unwanted children......
14points