#1
I told him that we needed to be a team, and we could discuss division of labor, but that just because I enjoy cooking and have become good at it, doesn't mean that I suddenly want to take responsibility for providing him with all his meals. That's a lot of time and effort and I already was working 50+ hours/wk to his 36-40.
What really clicked for him was this part: I asked him what he normally does when he's not good at something that he needs to do, like play pc games, learn new stuff for work, or take care of home repair. He told me that he learns, does research, watches YouTube videos, practices. I explained to him that cooking is the same. He can apply all of those methods to cooking, and get better. He understood that concept pretty well.
I told him that just giving up, not taking any steps to get better, and expect me to pick up the responsibility was weaponized incompetence.
He's been pretty amazing since then. We had many discussions about division of labor, finances and time. We made compromises and changed things we could and it ended up working out ❤️.
We just aren't living in the 1950s anymore. Women get paid to work just as hard, if not harder, than men. Yet they're still expected to carry the bulk of the chores at home. A couple of studies have come to the same conclusion: housework is hardly ever equally shared between men and women.
Employed women spend about 2.3 hours daily on housework, compared to 1.6 hours a day for employed men. That's according to the European Institute for Gender Equality. It notes that gender gaps in housework participation are the largest among couples with children.
But get this: A CAKE.com study titled Gender Inequality in Unpaid Domestic Work found that women in remote working models are responsible for 72% of housework, while men take on only 28%. Almost as if remote work isn't 'real' work...
#2
I told him, “You have a device in your pocket that will do that for you, at the time you need, in the words that make the most sense to you.”
He uses his phone now for reminders.
#3
Previously, I avoided it with men I dated by looking for early signs. For instance, the first time I have a guy over for dinner and I've cooked something, does he offer to clean up? No? Probably not the right match for me!
If it ever does happen, I think you shouldn't let them get away with it. My mom gave me a good one. She said when she first started living with my dad, he did a half job of washing the dishes. So, she gave him the dishes he washed to eat off of. He said they weren't clean. She responded by saying that he washed them.
The CAKE.com study also found that when it comes to couples with children, women are responsible for 57% of domestic labor, while men take on 43%.
This wasn't just an ordinary survey that participants had to fill in. Between November 15 and December 15, 2023, CAKE.com and time tracker Clockify teamed up to allow 21 couples from Europe and North America to enter detailed logs of every minute spent on domestic chores. They then analyzed the results to showcase the current state of gender inequality in unpaid domestic work.
"Each member of the household had a specific workspace, meaning couples could not see their partners’ tracked time," reveals CAKE.com. "This ensured the study remained fair and accurate."
#4
#5
Even when it made them look bad to others.
Even when it was inconvenient or trouble for me.
Accountability and transparency.
The results revealed that meal preparation was the most tracked household activity, taking up 25.8% of total logged household chores.
"Couples were also able to specify the exact tasks for each household activity they logged in Clockify," explains the site. "So, according to Clockify logs, cooking takes up most of the meal preparation time."
Cleaning was second most time-consuming chore, taking up 20.8% of logged activities, while childcare made up 15.1% of tracked labor. 9.4% went to grocery shopping and 7.6% to doing laundry.
#6
I had him let go before his probationary period was even over because he was like that with EVERYTHING. Absolutely ridiculous male.
#7
It some cases, this works. When it doesn't, at least I have my answer. I am unworthy of the consideration and effort given to your shittiest coworker. I'll never be offered what you have for the things you *actually love*.
"A supermajority of Americans (77%) believe that mothers and fathers should share the essential work of caring for children, keeping families fed and clothed, and maintaining clean and safe homes, according to recent public opinion polling," reveals the Gender Equity Policy Institute (GEPI). "But the reality is starkly different."
GEPI adds that mothers, whether they are married or single, spend nearly double the amount of time on childcare as fathers do. To break it down, they spend about 12 hours per week taking care of children compared to 6.7 hours for fathers. They also spend 2.4 times as much time as fathers on household work.
"Combining childcare and household work, mothers spend 2.1 times as much time as fathers on the essential and unpaid work of taking care of home and family," notes the institute.
#8
"You are the IT director for more than 300 people. You'll figure it out!
I mean it's the stupidest thing, but I'm putting dinner together and he couldn't be bothered to set up whatever we were going to watch.
He does it now.
#9
I've lost people to ... Well you can fill it in, I'm probably not allowed to say, anyway. Made a rule with myself that I refuse to allow people in my life that refuse to try and survive and live. Can't keep saving someone from drowning when they keep jumping in the water and refusing to even try and keep their head above water...
It goes without saying that those who do more housework or childcare have less time for themselves. And GEPI backs this up...
The institute found that across every group studied, men spend more time than women socializing, watching sports or playing video games, or doing similar activities to relax or have fun.
"Women overall have 13% less free time than men, on average," reads GEPI's website. "The gap balloons among some groups, with women having up to one-quarter less free time than men."
It adds that the free-time gender gap takes hold as soon as Americans become adults, but it is near its widest among people 18 to 24.
"Over the course of a week, young men have nearly 8 hours more free time than women; over the course of a month, men’s free time grows to 36 hours," reveals GEPI. "In a year, an 18- to 24-year-old young man will enjoy, on average, nearly 434 hours more free time than a woman his age."
#10
#11
I have never been failed by southern charm and precarious male masculinity in the work place. Personally I use this southern charm mixed with southern bluntness that they either figure it out for themselves or deal with the consequences.
#12
Me: if your truck makes a weird noise and you need to fix it, what do you do?
Him: look it up on YouTube.
Me: blank stare
Him: oh. Oh! I could have looked it up on YouTube.
Me: and good news, you still can. Get to it.
Yet some men, with all the free time on their hands, still have the audacity to use weaponized incompetence to get out of doing chores at home. And if you still aren't familiar with the term, Psychology Today defines weaponized incompetence as when someone knowingly or unknowingly demonstrates an inability to perform or master certain tasks, thereby leading others to take on more work.
#13
If he wants to act like he’s incompetent treat him at his word. Teach him to do the job, with the exact energy you would teach a child to do the job. Considering the majority of the tasks men pretend they cannot do can be done by a five year old - make sure that’s the energy you give. Channel your favorite kindergarten teacher.
He will be so embarrassed or frustrated he will suddenly magically learn to do the tasks you need to “teach” him.
#14
ETA: Cooking really is his only blind spot, but it's a blind spot that takes up soooooo much of my time and energy.
#15
Weaponized incompetence doesn't just lead to an unequal division of labor. It can understandably also strain relationships by breeding frustration, resentment, distrust, and conflict.
To those who think they're beating the system by using weaponized incompetence, we say: "If you can figure out how to do the tough tasks at work, or change the oil in your car without calling a mechanic, or set up a new PlayStation, you sure as heck can learn how to use a washing machine or mop a floor."
#16
One of the many reasons I dumped him.
#17
#18
He will write lengthy notes for stuff he claims he doesn't know how to do and leaves them for me to complete on my next day of work. I complained to his boss, no change.
So I started leaving the notes on his bosses desk. His boss asked me why I wasn't doing the stuff on the notes, and I responded that maybe coworker needed more training to do my job when I'm off, and him writing a detailed note took more time than doing the task he avoided. ( I clued my boss in on what I was doing and had his full support ). .
#20
It didn’t work, but it was the truth.