If you’ve read enough stories on this site, you’re likely aware of the seemingly troublesome relationships many women have with their mothers-in-law. But in some stories, the problems get some form of resolution because their spouses are on their side.
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In this story, however, the woman was all alone in her conflict. Her husband constantly sided with his mother, leaving her feeling utterly hopeless to the point where she contemplated ending the marriage.
She is now asking the Reddit community for some advice and clarity, which they gladly gave.
Conflicts between women and their mothers-in-law aren’t uncommon
A woman had been at odds with her mother-in-law since she got engaged with her husband
She had dealt with her overbearing personality, even in special occasions
What made her situation worse was that her husband wasn't on her side
A marriage immediately becomes strained once a parent’s opinion takes precedence over the couple’s decisions
While it is good, even commendable, to remain close to your parents after getting married, the relationship requires boundaries. Because once they begin calling the shots, the marriage begins to suffer.
“The relationship itself with one’s parent is not what matters. What matters here is whose words count most,” says Dr. Artiaga, who is also the clinical director of Blume Behavioral Health.
“If parents’ views are considered in cases of such critical choices as buying a house or losing a parent, then it is clear that the couple cannot function as a true partnership.”
Part of those boundaries is keeping marriage-related matters private between the couple. According to relationship healing expert LaMora D. Pace, one of the biggest mistakes people make is telling their parents everything that happens between them and their partner.
“Once a parent knows every disagreement, every mistake, and every private issue, it becomes much easier for that parent to form opinions and begin offering unsolicited advice,” she said.
The author admitted to feeling “true hatred” for her husband and mother-in-law when both of them essentially coerced her to have her family leave in a time of grief.
Both Dr. Artiaga and Pace say controlling behaviors and domination instantly turn a relationship problem into a safety issue rather than just a communication issue.
“You can't treat a power-and-control problem as though two people simply need to learn how to communicate better,” Pace says.
The woman’s frustration about her husband’s seemingly unhealthy loyalty towards his mother is understandable. At that point, she likely felt all alone in the conflict.
Dr. Artiaga says that, at that point, the priority shifts from trying to understand the spouse to protecting one’s peace.
“Whenever discussing this topic leads to confrontation, you should put your safety first and stop trying to communicate,” she noted.
On that note, the woman’s desire to leave the marriage may have been the best decision, as it didn’t look like the situation would ever be in her favor. It would likely always be a losing battle.
Many people in the comments sympathized with the author
But there were those who somehow found fault in her
The author shared an update to clarify her story
She also revealed that she pushed through with her plans to divorce her husband, which became a messy affair
