unPrepared For Love & unpRepaired By Love:
A Ballad
When I filled out the profile online,
I thought maybe it would be fun,
Go out on a few dates, make some new friends..
That's what I'm good at, making friends.
I didn't expect to find true love in this place,
I didn't expect you to find me here.
Oceans, continents and time stood between us.
Yet I could feel your presence growing,
Steadily stronger from one day to the next.
As if the distance was dissolving with the countdown of the clock.
You were so unexpected, everything about you:
Long curly hair, voicemails and bold sincerity.
I'm so grateful you reached out to me that day,
That you said Ok, when I said Let's wait and see..
It was the distance, I said but there was fear there too,
I see that now, I'm so glad we made it through.
My past and experience taught me it was easier not to get too close,
Yes, there was love, but mine was often unrequited..
My father, his parents, crushes and exes decided it was easier not to fall in.
I learned it was best to leave first, rather than be left behind.
Ghosting, it was a theme in my life, long before it was a trendy term.
I had never been the ghost, but my own runner pattern still haunted me.
Would I ever settle down or would I be forever solo?
Would I continue to freeze up, freeze out?
Would I even be able to recognize when love sought me out?
These people of my past gave me a gift in their absence,
They left room for the ones that would proudly replace.
A man that showed me what unconditional love really was,
Whenever I would test: his patience, his kindness, his love..
His devotion to his family never wavered.
Thank you, Dad for preparing me for this journey,
For sharing your wisdom and your name.
I understand more than anyone,
The reasons why people are afraid,
To love a person who's challenges,
Make them unstable, a human grenade.
Your heart may be more beautiful, than my very own,
I don’t know if I am capable, if I can be that brave,
To love someone completely, with the certainty of pain.
You expect an end late in life, but the rest is out of sight.
My mom married a man, when she knew the end was near,
It's what I admire most of the bravest person I've ever known.
It cost her dearly, however; she doesn't even know,
When my diagnosis came, something broke deep down inside,
When she looks at me I can see the loss of my future in her eyes.
I want to shake her awake and scream, Can't you see the good too?
I have everything I need: I'm achieving my dreams, I'm loved, I am Enough..
Love has been the most challenging and rewarding experience in this life.
This love has pressed, stretched and grown me, kneading me like a ball of dough.
Patiently working out the insecurities, fear and doubt.
I made you wait a year before I said Yes to you,
I wanted you to see my life, to prepare you, to protect me,
I was in the best health of my life then,
That first time in the hospital was just a fluke.
Nothing could have prepared me for the guilt,
Of letting you love me, every time I got sick thereafter.
I was on borrowed time, the Drs said,
Now I had an easy out, I could stop fighting this..
I didn't know if I'd even make it to the meet. What did I have to offer you?
My mind whispered with a quaking voice.. Was I selling him a lie now?
Yet, deep within, from the bottom of heart,
I felt an intense and resounding NO!
For the first time I did not wish to run away,
To leave you with the pain of having someone fade away,
Out of sight, true, but out of mind, no.
The memories of brave new worlds to explore and laughing until I cried,
Tears of pure joy, my silent laugh finally shattered
With the ripple of giggles bursting from deep within my belly.
You said once, You forget sometimes, that I have a disability,
The truth is, You make me forget too.
It's not fair, I'm ready now, this is what I wanted most.
You deserve better too, then to just have short and sweet,
We deserved an eternity and infinite lifetimes together,
To give and to receive the love that we both sought out.
If you wanted to go, I wouldn't ask you to stay,
I loved you enough to let you go freely,
To find the love you deserved,
Even if that meant without me.
You swept these opportunities to exit aside,
You made no efforts to leave,
I decided then, to show you what true love really was,
Even if it was the last thing I did.
If this was what you wanted, then I would defend,
I must fight for me, for you and for us until the very end.
I felt a shift in my heart that day,
This declaration to love completely and entirely, despite the fear.
It released the chains that kept me bound tight,
It was the key to setting myself free.
From that day on I've sought out the divinity that dwells within me.
I've shed the shell and layers of my former self,
Finding peace, consciousness and spirituality.
My purpose now within reach, this theory I hold so close to my heart,
Can I orchestrate my own destiny? Can I achieve this impossible dream?
More than anything I've ever believed,
With ever fiber of my being, I Know: YES, I can do this!
Though I don't know the How, I do know the Why.
This is the reason I have gone through each adversity in this life.
To take each challenge and challenger alike,
The gauntlets thrown down in provocation, I always picked up.
Gaining small victories in this battle, for the chance at a life fulfilled,
Abundant with joy, love and the fruits of my labours,
Enough to spread out amongst the world I wish to see changed,
For a brighter future for as many as time will allow.
It's time to level up, to meet my final foe,
I see the face reflected in the pane,
Each shiny surface mirrors my own eyes back,
She's the one that keeps me here, fixed upon this seat,
Daring me to overcome my own self-limiting beliefs.
I've removed the mask, I can see clearly now,
The truth of my circumstance.
I've begun the final battle in this epic odyssey.
Everything hereafter is unknown and unplanned.
It's no longer just my story, it is shared with another.
Together we move forward, our love tested and hard won.
It was worth it, it was all worth it, just to learn for myself
What true love was all about.
It's not about princesses and witches or knights and dragons,
It's about what you're willing to overcome,
What you’re willing to release within, to have the love you seek.
It's a deep sacrifice of your former self, it no longer serves your greater good.
There is no room for ego in a future full of infinite joy & unconditional love.
In legends of old...The price of this passage to
Utopia, Valhalla or Elysium was death and sacrifice.
This is no longer true, you too can embrace the love you wish to receive.
Let love be your compass, it will never mislead,
Savor, Observe, Feel, Listen, Speak and Act
From your heart always & It will set you Free.
Love Always,
Raux
