There are definitely some spicy takes in this list. It probably helps that the subreddit is anonymous, so people can post whatever’s on their mind without stressing over who’s reading.
Whether their opinions are actually correct is another story, since that comes down to personal perspective, but they did speak their truth. If any of these conversations happened face-to-face, chances are they’d be a lot harder to voice out loud.
Research backs this up. A 2021 study by Crucial Learning, a company that runs courses on communication and leadership, found that 9 out of 10 people had felt emotionally or physically unsafe speaking their mind multiple times in the 18 months leading up to the survey.
It’s worth noting this took place during the pandemic, so people were probably a bit more on edge than usual. Still, instead of actually speaking up, most respondents chose to stay silent even though it felt inauthentic. Others admitted to stewing about it on their own or faking agreement just to keep the peace.
According to psychotherapist Nancy Colier, these fears are wired deep into us. Our nervous system goes on high alert the moment we’re about to share something unwelcome, often when the actual threat is nowhere near as big as it feels.
At the root of it all sits our most primal drive, which is to survive.
Think about it from an evolutionary angle. Back in tribe days, being disliked by the group could get you kicked out, and being on your own in the wild meant you probably weren’t going to survive. So we learned to keep the people around us happy, because if they stuck around, we were safe.
Fast forward to now, and disagreeing with your manager in a meeting is nowhere near actual danger. But your nervous system doesn’t really know that. It still reacts like your life is on the line.
To get more comfortable speaking honestly, Colier suggests slowing down before your body jumps into emergency mode and shuts the whole thing down. Take a breath and actually question what’s at stake here.
Ask yourself things like, “what’s the real threat if I say this?” or “have I ever lived through a conversation like this before?” and “realistically, what might actually happen if I share this?” Once you actually think it through, the fear usually feels a lot less intense.
How you actually word things matters just as much as finding the courage to say them. There’s a difference between what Seed of Peace, a platform that runs compassionate communication training, calls Jackal honesty and Giraffe honesty.
Jackal honesty is when you throw out your interpretations and judgments at someone, like saying “You drive too fast. You think you’re a racing driver.” Giraffe honesty focuses on your own feelings and needs in the moment, so it sounds more like “I feel scared because I want to be safe, and frustrated because I want to be heard.”
