Contemporary dating, in most Western countries, exhibits much more freedom than it used to. Very specific and thorough rules that used to guide people’s relationships of such sort are often no longer followed. So many things are allowed and it is mostly up to the people dating to determine what the relationship is going to be like. This seems to have a positive sound to it; however, it can also mean that as long as “everything is allowed,” many unpleasant surprises await you… surprised? This was the experience of Miah Daughtery, who shared the entire story on her Twitter account.
More info: Twitter
After a first date, a woman was feeling unsettled, but it took her some time to figure out why, and it resulted in a now-viral Twitter thread
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On the first date, the man was talking almost nonstop for 90 minutes and unfortunately, that wasn't the worst part
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The man seemed nice and polite, but there were some things about his talk that just weren't right
This woman went on a breakfast date and many things were going just fine. The breakfast was good! It took her over an hour to order, wait and eat. According to the woman, the guy’s (44) appearance and manners were nice - his disarming smile seemed harmless, as he behaved in a polite and kind manner. Also, he spoke with authority.
The first red flag, this woman couldn’t help noticing, was that this man really took his time talking. He spoke almost non-stop for over 90 minutes. Needless to say, the man did most of the talking and the woman was put in a position of a listener. Was the guy’s speech worth listening to, though? Sometimes the human brain is a tricky organ that can’t come to a conclusion as fast as we would like it to. Or we feel something is not quite right, but cannot pinpoint just yet exactly what it is.
This woman explains that after the date, she was left feeling unsettled. However, she took her time. She did some journaling, which is also of help when one seeks to process an experience. The experience was vivid enough to come back to her naturally as the day was going by. Her evaluation rose from the first impression of “this is weird” to “that was very, very weird.”
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Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
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The man saw no positive sides to any areas he touched - the black community today, society in general, education, women's love life and many more
The woman's conclusion had to do with the content of man’s speech and with his overall “no-positivity” attitude towards seemingly all the topics in life. At least towards the topics he touched on, and he touched on a lot. Let’s quickly run through some of them.
Dr. Miah starts with this man’s approach to the situation of the black community today. After the long way this community had to go through, with people like Martin Luther King Jr., Maya Angelou, and so many others finding the strength to move forward, this man didn’t seem to recognize any achievements or improvements in the situation. The woman emphasizes this man’s approach had no optimism at all: “The Black community is in shambles and there is no hope and nothing to celebrate.”
The next problem, brought up by this man, is schools not teaching cursive. This, in a soon-to-come societal collapse, will mean no one will be able to read the founding documents once all the technology switches off.
Finally, this guy discussed… women. The major distinction he made is that women are communal and need other people, while men are solitary creatures who don’t need other people. Let’s just sum it up by saying that men, in this man's understanding, as opposed to women, are self-sufficient, while women are lacking something. That is why, according to this man, he “could get married like this” - he literally snapped his fingers - while women cannot make it once they are over 30 Y.O. and begin to realize no one wants them.
However, this is just the beginning: once women turn 50 Y.O., as he knows many examples, including his sister, women are “finally learning” as they are all on anti-depressants in their houses with their cars and “careers” with no men and alone. And when they learn, he plans to “sit on his porch and get a drink and watch and laugh.”
We could continue, as did this man's speech; however, some lines of thought are just better left on their own, for they are meant to be degrading, only even if hidden under the pretense of being true. This man seems to lack awareness of his own history, of the long way people have fought for human rights and the simple fact that he was born of a woman. It seems it is not the case he doesn't need women - he went on a date, didn't he? But he doesn't want to take any responsibility.
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People on Twitter were united in expressing support for this woman, as her tweets received over 6K likes
There is one question that can be asked with this man's rant in mind. What was his suggestion? Well, man explained his plan. He owns a property in a southern state, and he can hunt and fish. This woman comments with irony that she does not own a property in a southern state, and she neither hunts nor fishes. She is also 42 Y.O. and only has, according to this guy, at best five more years of sexy and desirable left before she turns into a toad. Luckily, she found herself persevering through the societal collapse anticipated by this man.
The woman pin-points that during the date with this man, she experienced a cognitive dissonance - he seemed knowledgeable and well-mannered at first. However, after taking time to think through the man’s approach to various topics they discussed, including his views on her “place” in the world, this woman was sure there was no need for her to keep his contacts.
People on Twitter were united in expressing support for this woman. Her tweets received over 6K likes. Some commenters said these were not red flags from that man's side, but a giant red blanket covering the land.
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Being aware of a tendency for people to focus more on the negative aspects of things can help to balance it
While there could be many aspects discussed about the man's approach, one explanation could be cognitive bias. There is a lot of empirical evidence that people process negative and positive information differently, based on a study by V. Grossmann and A. Woodward. It was shown that people pay much more attention to negative information and use it more than positive information. This phenomenon is called negative bias. Negative bias, on the one hand, serves to adapt to a different environment and survive; however, it is not always useful.
Being aware of it can help to use it for one’s purposes. Based on a study by L. Kiken and N. Shook, negativity bias can be regulated by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is sustained, receptive attention and awareness of events and experiences as they occur in the present moment and it helps to increase positive judgments and reduces negativity bias. They quote Kabat-Zinn in their study: “When you observe things through the lens of mindfulness, whether it be through formal meditation practice or in daily living, you invariably begin to appreciate things in a new way because your very perception changes.”
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