It’s no big secret that you can’t choose who you fall in love with; “the heart wants what it wants” and whatnot – however, for some families, this complicates things.
A user who goes by u/Much_Significance157 took online to share his own story. The thing is, the guy called it quits with his high school sweetheart right before heading off to college, and a year later, he discovered that his twin brother and his ex had become an item. Eventually, the pair got engaged, and the author wasn’t exactly thrilled about it.
More info: Reddit | Sven Lauch | Rachel New
Guy turns down his twin brother’s wedding invitation as he’s getting hitched to his ex
Image credits: Taras Budniak (not the actual image)
His family accuses him of being “selfish” and demands that he “suck it up” for one night
Image credits: Juan Gomez (not the actual image)
Image source: u/Much_Significance157
“AITA for refusing to attend my twin brother’s wedding?” – this internet user took to one of Reddit’s most thought-provoking and judgmental communities to ask its members if it was a jerk move to turn down his twin brother’s wedding invitation since he’s tying the knot with his ex-girlfriend. The post managed to garner 5K upvotes as well as 1.3K comments discussing the situation.
Things happen, and you can’t expect others to accommodate your feelings – however, there are moments when you wish it was possible.
The creator of the post first started dating his now-ex when they were both 16, but right before they were about to head to college, they decided to separate. The guy went to a place a few hours away – however, his high school sweetheart stayed local. When he returned home from his first year, his brother told him that he and his ex had become a thing. Naturally, the author wasn’t pumped about the news, but there was nothing that could’ve been done, and the two eventually agreed to keep things civil as long as the twin never mentioned her or made them interact.
Fast forward to now: the brother surprised the author with another set of news and told him that the two had gotten engaged. Moreover, the sibling also wanted the guy to be his best man, but as you probably guessed, he refused.
The Redditor then got a fair share of flak from his family, who called him “selfish” and demanded he “suck it up” for one night. He doesn’t feel comfortable participating in such an event, which is why he headed online to find out if he’s in the wrong.
Now, to get a more professional outlook on this situation, Bored Panda decided to reach out to a couple of experts. First, we contacted Sven Lauch (UK) and invited him to introduce himself to our readers: “I’m an accredited Emotional Logic Coach who specialises in helping couples build deeper emotional connections through learning an emotional language that enables them to handle their conflicts assertively and vulnerably.” We then pondered whether it’s ethical to have a romantic relationship with your sibling’s ex, to which the man replied as follows: “It is not a question of ethics. If all parties have recovered from the emotional setbacks such a situation can cause, there is not much of a problem. Things become complicated when the emotional wounds are not properly dealt with.”
The man felt confident in his decision, yet he was still unsure if it was the right one
Image credits: Riccardo (not the actual image)
Lastly, BP asked Sven Lauch how one should handle such a situation:
“Firstly, the twins have never worked through the problem. The agreement they reached looks like a coping mechanism that damaged their relationship. The conflict of interest has become a wall between them. The proposed wedding has amplified all that pain, and everyone seems surprised about the intensity.
How do you handle that problem?
There is no quick solution if all value all the relationships involved. Each person has to recognise that they have been hurt in some way.
The brother who broke up with his girlfriend carries a lot of unresolved grief caused by three damaged relationships – to his ex, to his brother, and to his family. The breakup with his ex impacted his relationship with his family and, eventually, his brother. He needs to recognise that he values all those relationships and that the emotions he feels are not caused by all those events but by his values. I guess he values his family, his brother and his ex. I even wonder if he actually got over his ex.
As it sounds in the post, all parties seem to be surprised by the intensity of the pain that surfaced, which is not uncommon because we don’t think systemically. To work things through, they need to recognise the complexity of the situation and the many relationships that are at stake. Each party must identify what they value and then learn to communicate those values openly and assertively to each other. That can help all parties gain a deeper understanding of each other. Once they see how all feel about the situation differently and do not see the implication to others, they have a better foundation to restore the relationships. If they are unwilling to go down the route of reconciliation and restoration, they will eventually destroy one relationship to hold on to another. The long-term implications of that are very difficult to predict.
For the new couple, it is also super important to talk those things through and identify what implications it has on their relationship. Both need to understand that they will face setbacks and pains in the future because of the situation. Only open and vulnerable conversations will enable them to build a deep emotional connection that can carry the pain outside their relationship without destroying relationships they value.
Looking at the complexity of the problem, I would try to bring in a professional who facilitates them in learning about each other. But that would need commitment and a willingness from all parties to restore and reconcile.”
So he took to one of Reddit’s favorite communities to get some unbiased feedback
Image credits: Josh Hild (not the actual image)
Our second expert is Rachel New, a dating and relationships coach and educator in London, UK.
“With all ethical issues, it depends! I can imagine a healthy scenario in which your sibling hadn’t been together that long with the person, where the breakup was amicable, and where the siblings had an honest, supportive, caring relationship with each other. In that case, the siblings would communicate with each other openly, want the best for each other, accept that life can be messy and painful, and value relationships more than being ‘right’,” our second expert said when we posed a similar question regarding the wrongfulness of dating your sibling’s ex.
We also invited Rachel New to share her professional take on how to tackle the situation, to which she said:
“Here’s a story of two siblings that deal with the situation in a healthy way.
Let’s call Sibling 1 the one that went out with the person first. I would suggest that a few months after the breakup, Sibling 2 could discuss with Sibling 1 that they wanted to go out with the ex. Sibling 2 would need to empathise with Sibling 1’s emotions, acknowledge that it might be painful, and express a desire to minimise that pain. Sibling 1 might say they were happy for them to date but they would rather not see them together unless it got serious. Sibling 1 could also take some time to talk to friends or a counsellor (or dating coach!) to process the relationship and their feelings about their sibling. They might conclude something like ‘Part of me feels as if my sibling has betrayed me and that they have conspired behind my back. But another part of me knows that’s not true, that my sibling and my ex are good people and would only do this if they really had to. The paranoid, humiliated part of me isn’t the mature me but an insecure part of myself that I can work on and comfort. The more mature part of me wants my sibling to find love.’
After, say, six months, Sibling 2 could then communicate to Sibling 1 why they thought the relationship had long-term potential and ask if they felt ready to see them. Sibling 1 might say ‘Part of me is struggling with some painful feelings and wondering how I’m going to feel about seeing you together, but part of me wants to support you if this relationship is going to make you happy. That part of me knows that seeing you together will get easier the more I do it and it would be better to do it sooner rather than later so it doesn’t become too big an issue.’
Sibling 2 and their partner would make sure they were sensitive, for example, by not being too demonstrative in front of Sibling 1 at first or keeping the meetings short and with other members of the family around. Sibling 1 would be careful to be friendly and not make a drama out of any awkwardness. Sibling 2 would continue to communicate with Sibling 1 about the relationship becoming more serious. Sibling 1 would be enjoying their own social life and love life, dating other people and having plenty of people to get emotional support from. Perhaps the siblings would grow a little further apart now they have their own romantic lives, but they would make the effort to keep their connection going.
Then, when Sibling 2 announced their engagement, Sibling 1 would be better prepared. Perhaps Sibling 2 could tell Sibling 1 in private and Sibling 1 could congratulate Sibling 2, while at the same time acknowledging inwardly that part of them felt a little sad or envious. By this stage, Sibling 1 would have a healthy way of dealing with negative emotions so that they didn’t become overwhelming and didn’t jeopardise valuable relationships.”
What do you think of the issue now that the experts have provided their opinions?
Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions on the matter
