Men Are Sharing Examples Of Toxic Masculinity They've Faced In Person (30 Stories)

Dr. Esther De Dauw, a comic scholar working on superheroes, gender, race, and anti-hegemonic narratives, agrees that toxic masculinity is deeply rooted in our society. "The stories we tell, our popular myths, films, books, etc, are ways for us to make sense of the world," she told Bored Panda. "A lot of our storytelling is wrapped up in toxic masculinity—it's all about the hero who can stand alone, take care of business, who doesn’t cry or relies on his community."

"We see these stories as kids and the adults in our lives tend to enforce the lessons taken from these stories 'boys don't cry', 'no means yes', etc. And then we become adults and while we might tell different stories, we tend to embed the values we've grown up with in our stories—because to us that's just how the world is, it's our normative world view. Research in sociology and psychology increasingly points to media as a really powerful tool to pass on norms and values, and with the increased media presence in our lives through smartphones, tablets, and binge culture – we’re constantly being influenced."

De Dauw also co-authored a book on the subject. Titled Toxic Masculinity: Mapping the Monstrous in Our Heroes, it's an exciting exploration of the impact of hypermasculinity on the creation of the modern superhero.

Dr. De Dauw highlighted that when we're talking about toxic masculinity, we're not just talking about general sexism. "Of course, they're related and influence each other, but toxic masculinity is about the extreme rejection of what our culture thinks of as feminine traits (sensitivity, softness, etc) and the adoration of masculine traits (self-sufficiency, stoicism, etc)," she said.

"It's about the shame and pain that men are taught to feel when they're not manly enough and how that leads them to lash out (mostly at women). It's about how the traits of masculinity can become toxic to both men and the people in their lives."

"So, I’m thinking about the way that when men experience a mental health crisis, they are less likely to reach out for help because it’s not considered manly to be overwhelmed by your emotions or circumstances," Dr. De Dauw said. "Eating disorders, steroid addiction, and body modification addiction have been on the rise amongst young men since the 1980s because with bodybuilding action heroes and superhero films, the culturally ideal body type for men has shifted."

In the UK, for example, 3 times as many men as women die by suicide.

De Dauw herself has experienced sexism. When she was doing her Ph.D., a fellow Ph.D. scholar referred to her as 'the one with the big b**bs' to another colleague. She has also had students make gender-based comments during teaching evaluations. She has even been harassed on the street.

But, the toxic masculinity that De Dauw has experienced in her life has mostly impacted men she has known who were unable to talk about their feelings or trauma and, due to this inability, hurt themselves, lashed out at her and the other women in their lives.

At this point, De Dauw thinks it's hard to say whether or not we as a society have contained toxic masculinity. "Once you name a problem, it becomes more visible and you identify more instances of it," she said. "We're also living in an increasingly divided world, where a lot of people feel threatened when problems like this are identified and they feel the need to lash out to prevent our rapidly changing world from changing even more—and that also gives the impression that the problem is growing or getting worse."

"I think that, at the very least, we're identifying, thinking, and talking about things like toxic masculinity and that in and of itself is a good way forward," De Dauw explained.

Because she thinks the reason toxic masculinity is so embedded is (in part) because of the media, a really hopeful thing for her is that we're seeing more and more push-back against toxic masculinity in media from various audiences. "We are seeing more diverse roles in media, and this includes more diverse ways for men to be men," De Dauw added.

"There are shows that have kind, loving and sensitive men and shows that deal with characters showing these toxic traits and growing past them, [including] Dipper from Gravity Falls when he moves past his crush on Wendy, Soka in Avatar: The Last Airbender when he learns to value women, Captain Picard in the recent Picard series, who has learned to be open and affectionate with the men in his life, and Joel from Santa Clarita Diet who is supportive of his wife and daughter."

In Toxic Masculinity: Mapping the Monstrous in Our Heroes, De Dauw wrote that, "When we consider how popular culture and its stories give us a lens through which we can learn to emphasize with and love those different from us, it becomes clear that representation is a promising start, even if it cannot be the whole our strategy to increase equality."

"Another important step is that we need have these conversations with the men in our lives if it is possible and safe for us to do so," she added. "Encourage men to seek support in their communities, to go to therapy if necessary, to learn how to communicate, and to perform emotional labor–we need to consistently understand that there's no one right way to be a man."

In the academic world, the notion of a singular, perfectly-defined masculinity has been rejected since the late 1980s. Led by the sociologist Raewyn Connell, this school of thought positions gender as the product of relations and behaviors, rather than as a fixed set of identities and attributes.

In her work, Connell described multiple masculinities shaped by class, race, culture, sexuality, and other factors, often in competition with one another as to which can claim to be more authentic. In this view, the standards by which a "real man" is defined can vary dramatically across time and place.

Let's hope that some day theory will become practice too.