When you become a parent, you should always have your partner’s back. But dad privilege, aka daddy privilege, is very real, and it’s causing a lot of tension among couples. The issue is that many fathers have lots of freedom and flexibility even after becoming parents. They’re seen as helpers and often get praised as heroes for doing even basic things that any parent should do. Meanwhile, moms are seen as the primary caregivers whose massive daily efforts are all too often ignored.
In a brutally honest thread on the ‘Breaking Mom’ internet forum, moms vented about the biggest, most brazen examples of dad privilege that they thoroughly resent. Scroll down for an eye-opening peek into how unfairly caregiving and housework are split in some families.
#1
I saw this titok from this mom influencer who I actually like (most of them annoy me, but I find this one more real), and she hit the nail on the head.
She said that a mom works all day, but still has nothing to show for it at the end of the day. Most of it is invisible work. She cleaned the house 4 times, but now it's messy again. She spent ages doing laundry yesterday, now all the clean clothes that she folded are dirty again, and the hamper is full of more dirty washing. She bathed her kids and dressed them nicely, now they've gone outside for 2 minutes and are dirty again. She cooked them a nice meal and baked some cookies, but everything's been eaten.
Whereas jobs typically associated with what men do are more fulfilling because they actually have something to show for it. Like they renovated the bathroom and now they get to admire their work and be proud of it. They mowed the lawn, so it will stay nice for at least the next few days. They built their kids a tree hut which they can enjoy forever.
It's no way generalizing gender roles or undermining women's work, she just pointed out that this is why being a mom can feel so [bad] at times. You're working all day, but have nothing to show for it.
She said that a mom works all day, but still has nothing to show for it at the end of the day. Most of it is invisible work. She cleaned the house 4 times, but now it's messy again. She spent ages doing laundry yesterday, now all the clean clothes that she folded are dirty again, and the hamper is full of more dirty washing. She bathed her kids and dressed them nicely, now they've gone outside for 2 minutes and are dirty again. She cooked them a nice meal and baked some cookies, but everything's been eaten.
Whereas jobs typically associated with what men do are more fulfilling because they actually have something to show for it. Like they renovated the bathroom and now they get to admire their work and be proud of it. They mowed the lawn, so it will stay nice for at least the next few days. They built their kids a tree hut which they can enjoy forever.
It's no way generalizing gender roles or undermining women's work, she just pointed out that this is why being a mom can feel so [bad] at times. You're working all day, but have nothing to show for it.
Report
23points
#2
Praised for being with their own kids alone in public. "Oh is dad babysitting today?!" "OH giving mommy a break with a day out with dad, huh?" NO HE'S THEIR PARENT.
20points
#3
No matter what he does, he's a great dad. I'm almost always "just" a mom or even a bad mom because I do the same things.
18points
At its core, dad privilege is about fathers getting treated like ‘heroes’ for doing routine childcare things that mothers do all the time. The only difference is that, very often, these moms aren’t appreciated for their efforts. Meanwhile, these dads are disproportionately praised for really mundane things. All the while, these dads have much more freedom to rest, have a social life, pursue their goals and hobbies, and relax.
This isn’t to say that all dads do this (we personally know many fathers who embrace equity, fairness, and emotional intelligence); however, it’s a big enough issue that it creates stress and resentment in many relationships.
And it’s not difficult to see why. On the one hand, you have an individual who gets rewarded for doing very little. On the other hand, their partner gets barely rewarded for doing far more. While a perfect 50/50 split of childcare and housework is impractical in many families, what’s important is that both partners work toward a fairer system, instead of trying to dodge their responsibilities.
#4
He can schedule anything from dentist appointments, work meetings, to social events, irrespective of the time or day, without a second thought about childcare.
Meanwhile, now that school is out, I have to schedule my weekly PT appointments (much needed PT that I put off for years) when our daughter is at activities or when he's available, since she isn't allowed at the facility. And, I'm the first one that has to cancel my scheduled appointments or whatever if something changes, like if she gets sick.
Meanwhile, now that school is out, I have to schedule my weekly PT appointments (much needed PT that I put off for years) when our daughter is at activities or when he's available, since she isn't allowed at the facility. And, I'm the first one that has to cancel my scheduled appointments or whatever if something changes, like if she gets sick.
Report
17points
#5
My 9yo daughters went on a 9 day trip with my mom and they left a few days before spring break. I mentioned to my husband how weird it would be with them gone and how it completely changed my schedule only having our toddler.
This man says “well they are pretty self sufficient, it won’t change that much!”
My entire day revolves around their school schedule! Making sure they get up on time (they do their entire morning routine by themselves and make their own lunches), getting them to school, picking them up from school… so my entire day is structured around them.
This man says “well they are pretty self sufficient, it won’t change that much!”
My entire day revolves around their school schedule! Making sure they get up on time (they do their entire morning routine by themselves and make their own lunches), getting them to school, picking them up from school… so my entire day is structured around them.
16points
#6
Getting to be sick when you're sick. I always hated him for that when our son was small.
Certain_Ad6784:
They get to just be sick. Since I became a mom no matter what, I have to take care of everyone when they are sick. When I’m sick i’m still taking care of everyone. Like the load never really lightens.
Certain_Ad6784:
They get to just be sick. Since I became a mom no matter what, I have to take care of everyone when they are sick. When I’m sick i’m still taking care of everyone. Like the load never really lightens.
Report
16points
During a previous interview, Bored Panda spoke with baker, business owner, and mom Chloe, from Memphis, Tennessee, who went massively viral on TikTok for calling out dad privilege in one of her videos.
“Daddy privilege really boils down to the acts as a parent the general public sees as ‘exemplary.’ I completely believe that fathers should be praised for being standard parents—I simply think that mothers should AS WELL! By no means take away praise from the father carrying his weight. Just pay close attention to the women who take their place 9 out of 10 times,” Chloe explained to us earlier.
According to her, dad privilege means that fathers get praised simply for showing up as parents. Meanwhile, every parent deserves to know that they are both seen and appreciated.
#7
Anytime he is left alone with our four year old, the grandparents jump at taking her and helping out. Whenever it's me? Oh it's just a normal day. Like this weekend I was away for my sister's bachelorette and my mom insisted on taking my daughter for the whole day on Saturday. So he had a completely free day to himself. Yet whenever I have her and let's say he's at work, or with HIS friends, nada for me.
Report
16points
#8
Being able to spend an entire weekend doing projects in the shed/yard while mum is stuck inside wrangling the kids and all the household chores.
anon:
And expecting to be fawned over like they cured cancer.
You mowed the lawn. Yeah sure it looks fine and all, but like, no one compliments me for doing laundry or how good the dishes look in the cabinet. If this is going to be your contribution to the household, at least do it on the same terms I do mine, which is to say, thanklessly and being told you could've done it better/ faster/ neater/ at a better time.
anon:
And expecting to be fawned over like they cured cancer.
You mowed the lawn. Yeah sure it looks fine and all, but like, no one compliments me for doing laundry or how good the dishes look in the cabinet. If this is going to be your contribution to the household, at least do it on the same terms I do mine, which is to say, thanklessly and being told you could've done it better/ faster/ neater/ at a better time.
15points
#9
Lack of mental load. I honestly told my husband I needed him to take over 1 thing completely so I didn't have to think about it, like literally anything! I didn't care I just was overwhelmed with literally having to plan and keep track of EVERYTHING and his response?
"I'm just too burnt out by working and then helping with the baby when I come home"
Uuuummmm that's literally 2 effing things!! Meanwhile I've been wfh while caring for the baby and literally doing and planning everything, the bills, the shopping, the meals, medical appointments, family get togethers, our pets, nights with the baby, early mornings with her and HE'S burnt out. Smh.
"I'm just too burnt out by working and then helping with the baby when I come home"
Uuuummmm that's literally 2 effing things!! Meanwhile I've been wfh while caring for the baby and literally doing and planning everything, the bills, the shopping, the meals, medical appointments, family get togethers, our pets, nights with the baby, early mornings with her and HE'S burnt out. Smh.
Report
15points
Once you’ve read through all of these examples of dad privilege, we’d like to hear your perspectives in the comments, dear Pandas.
What are the most egregious examples of dad privilege that you’ve personally witnessed? If you happen to be a parent, how do you and your partner divide all of your responsibilities in a way that’s fair? What do you and your significant other do to give each other time to rest and recharge? Let us know.
#10
Never having to do any research on child development because the woman just naturally knows about stuff like wake windows, nap schedules, swaddling, introducing solid food, car seat rules, developmental milestones, potty training, getting kids to bed, age appropriate activities, and how to teach kids to handle big emotions simply because they are maternal. We have to do [loads] of research to "know" these things, usually while utterly exhausted.
Report
15points
#11
Can I just say. I went through the comments and I feel sooo seen I want to cry. My husband really pissed me off yesterday cuz the baby was sick and I was trying to get her to sleep but apparently I wasn’t doing it the way he liked so he literally got up and grabbed my baby from me. Like wth?! He’s allowed to throw a tantrum or act like this, but when I do it, I’m being unreasonable and he’s SO HURT AND DISAPPOINTED. I’m always the one that has to regulate my own emotions and take a step back and defuse the situation. I can NEVER just scream back at him because what good would that do for anyone??
I’m sorry for hijacking the post but yeah so many points here are exactly what I struggle with.. I feel so seen with you ladies. Thank you.
I’m sorry for hijacking the post but yeah so many points here are exactly what I struggle with.. I feel so seen with you ladies. Thank you.
15points
#12
I’m so thankful for y’all. I hate the “I’m exhausted” excuse more than anything in the world. How could you possibly be exhausted when you don’t do anything?! Just yesterday he was “too tired” to watch our daughter for an hour but then magically after the kids went to bed he got invited to hang out with the guys and stayed out until 1am. Right, so only exhausted when it comes to actually being responsible for your kids. Got it.
Report
15points
#13
The ability to not know every facet of the child’s existence. They don’t need to memorize medical history, upcoming holidays, school schedules, medical and family appointments, which drawers clothes go in, what kids need for snacks/clothes/school theme days, clothing sizes or shoe sizes.
They only get away with not knowing because the burden falls 100% to moms.
They only get away with not knowing because the burden falls 100% to moms.
Report
14points
#14
Daily shower
Walking away for “just a minute”
Resting your eyes
Being able to “work my shift”
Ignoring the piles of dishes and laundry after caring for the kid all day because you’ve “done your shift”
Having a hot cup of coffee
Screen time
A hobby that doesn’t include taking the kid along
Not having to prepare the grocery list
Not being the bad guy for forgetting something important.
Walking away for “just a minute”
Resting your eyes
Being able to “work my shift”
Ignoring the piles of dishes and laundry after caring for the kid all day because you’ve “done your shift”
Having a hot cup of coffee
Screen time
A hobby that doesn’t include taking the kid along
Not having to prepare the grocery list
Not being the bad guy for forgetting something important.
14points
#15
I've just returned from a weeks vacation with my kid, husband and the inlaws.
Back home, my dh and I try to take care of the kid equally.
My dh knows his schedule, his medical info and everything, and he is even taking on some of the mental load.
Some.
Not 50%, but some, cause the bar is so freaking low.
On vacation with MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 kids?
My dh doesnt have to do ANYTHING???
I DIDNT KNOW THAT RULE!
Kid and I just got ditched EVERY single day and left home alone while the rest of the party went on excursions.
Our kid is 21 months, so he still naps you see.
But apparently ALL excursions just HAD to happen during his naps?
We couldnt join a single thing if I hadnt just thrown kid in the car and just showed up where the rest of the family went.
By day 3 I stopped following them, and kid and me just did our own thing.
[Awful] to be my inlaws though, since I grew up on the island we were vacationing on, so I know EVERYBODY and get the royal treatment when I show up now.
So while the inlaws were busy getting soaked in the rain, my kid and I had afternoon tea with cakes and sandwiches at a castle.
During that week, I had 2 hours of downtime while not watching my kid solo.
2 hours!
And thats only because I had to gointo town to get kid new shoes and to the pharmacy.
My husband is very much in the doghouse now.
And we are not vacationing with the inlaws again, and I went and hired a nanny for babysitting, so that MIL and FIL wont have to be burdened by babysitting my kid again.
Back home, my dh and I try to take care of the kid equally.
My dh knows his schedule, his medical info and everything, and he is even taking on some of the mental load.
Some.
Not 50%, but some, cause the bar is so freaking low.
On vacation with MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 kids?
My dh doesnt have to do ANYTHING???
I DIDNT KNOW THAT RULE!
Kid and I just got ditched EVERY single day and left home alone while the rest of the party went on excursions.
Our kid is 21 months, so he still naps you see.
But apparently ALL excursions just HAD to happen during his naps?
We couldnt join a single thing if I hadnt just thrown kid in the car and just showed up where the rest of the family went.
By day 3 I stopped following them, and kid and me just did our own thing.
[Awful] to be my inlaws though, since I grew up on the island we were vacationing on, so I know EVERYBODY and get the royal treatment when I show up now.
So while the inlaws were busy getting soaked in the rain, my kid and I had afternoon tea with cakes and sandwiches at a castle.
During that week, I had 2 hours of downtime while not watching my kid solo.
2 hours!
And thats only because I had to gointo town to get kid new shoes and to the pharmacy.
My husband is very much in the doghouse now.
And we are not vacationing with the inlaws again, and I went and hired a nanny for babysitting, so that MIL and FIL wont have to be burdened by babysitting my kid again.
14points
#16
The ability to claim “I can’t really multitask, it’s not how my brain works”.
14points
#17
That he can focus on tasks without hearing “mom mom mom mom mom I WANT A SNACK!!!.” I feel like he sometimes gives me side eye when I say I haven’t called to schedule that thing or I haven’t sent that email to the bank yet (because of course I do all of that stuff) but it’s like, I can’t focus with a kid screaming in my ear!!!
He gets to drive to work listening to the news or his music. I exclusively listen to songs about trucks or trains or the soundtrack from the Lego movie because I only ever drive with the kid in the car.
And he actually got frustrated with me one night at dinner when I was being kind of quiet but like, I’m tired and entertain and four year old all day. I have nothing going on. I have nothing to talk about. I didn’t read any interesting articles or hold interesting conversations with other grown ups. I argued about popsicles with a four year old all day.
He gets to drive to work listening to the news or his music. I exclusively listen to songs about trucks or trains or the soundtrack from the Lego movie because I only ever drive with the kid in the car.
And he actually got frustrated with me one night at dinner when I was being kind of quiet but like, I’m tired and entertain and four year old all day. I have nothing going on. I have nothing to talk about. I didn’t read any interesting articles or hold interesting conversations with other grown ups. I argued about popsicles with a four year old all day.
14points
#18
I cursed my x husband out bcuz he couldn't take the kids this weekend bcus he has a work meeting with a friend. And I told him I'm dropping the kids off figure it out. If I have to so can you. The audacity of this man to be like " I'm not available this weekend. So I won't answer"
They have the option the be part time parents we don't.
They have the option the be part time parents we don't.
14points
#19
Getting to sleep more than 2.5 hours at a time and more than 5 hours total (I’m breastfeeding, have 2under2).
Getting to eat food while it’s hot, and you’re sitting down, and without a baby on your chest.
Getting to take a 15 minute, private [bathroom] break whenever you want.
Getting to eat food while it’s hot, and you’re sitting down, and without a baby on your chest.
Getting to take a 15 minute, private [bathroom] break whenever you want.
14points
#20
Leaving me to raise a child completely on my own for the past 3 years. No contact, no nothing. Just living his life as if he doesn’t have a son.
13points