If you've ever been in love, you might have noticed that it happens in stages. First comes the infatuation. They're on your mind constantly, you get lost in their eyes, their words, their thoughts and actions. You giddily skip over their flaws, which perhaps, you could even find charming. You idealize them and possibly ignore potential red flags. Everything is new, exciting and energizing.
According to experts, this initial stage is essential for bonding but it's not meant to last forever. In fact, for most couples, that honeymoon period is between six months and two years long before it starts to wear off.
Once the crazy infatuation starts to fade, it makes way for reality to rear its head. That "head" may be ugly, annoying, hurtful, gross or completely unlike what you've been experiencing in the run-up to this big reveal. Suddenly, your partner's habits aren't as charming or cute as you once thought. Maybe it emerges that they're bad with money, stingy with the truth, allergic to keeping a clean house or were only pretending to like your dog...
You might be a little confused or even disappointed. You could wonder if you made a mistake choosing them and contemplate leaving. Or, perhaps you decide you can can take the bad with the good because surely you'll be able to change them.
This stage is known by some experts as "discovery and disillusionment" and according to the Shoreside Therapies site, many relationships end here because this stage requires honesty and emotional maturity. Those who don't decide to call it quits will step into Stage 3: Commitment.
"Commitment is more than a label or a legal document. It is the intentional choice to stay in the relationship," explains the site. "At this stage, couples decide they are willing to work through discomfort rather than walk away. Expectations become clearer and the partnership starts to feel grounded."
Some people will attempt to change their partner before, during or after this commitment phase. Their messy habits, their philandering ways, their need to play video games all day long, or whatever "if only" thing that might make the relationship feel better. But this usually doesn't end well and can cause even bigger problems for both of you.
Psychotherapist and Life Coach, Daniel Lichtman warns that you can try until you're blue in the face, but you cannot change your partner. "Any changes must be made by them, for them. That can be difficult to accept," explains the expert. "Trying to change a partner leaves them feeling annoyed and resentful of the attempts made to change them."
Danielle Dowling, a psychologist and life coach agrees. Her advice is to surrender. Stop trying to change your partner, let go and focus on yourself.
"When you stop trying to manage someone else’s growth, you get your energy back," writes the expert. "You stop playing emotional tug-of-war with another person’s free will. And you start to feel something you didn’t even realize you were craving: relief."
And many of the women featured in the "I can change him" challenge can attest to this...
Dowling says in some cases, this might mean walking out the door once you realize, "This is all they have to offer, and it’s not enough."
"You can’t change their readiness for commitment, their ambition, or their habits," she says. "You can change how you respond to them and whether you keep them in your life."
If you're finding yourself fighting an uphill battle waiting for your person to finally change to suit your needs, it might just be time to accept them for exactly who they are and love yourself enough to walk away. Who knows? It may be the best gift you ever give yourself...
