According to Bruce Y. Lee, M.D., M.B.A., Professor of Health Policy and Management at the City University of New York (CUNY), guilt-trippers employ numerous strategies to warp reality and make you feel bad.
A classic is blaming you for things that you didn't do. When they insist that you put them last on your priority list, they are trying to make you feel pressured to do even more for them just to further prove yourself.
Then there's flipping the script, which takes blaming to a whole other level. Say the person did something quite bad to you, such as reneging on a promise, backstabbing you, abandoning you during a time of need, or even stealing something from you. Instead of expressing remorse, apologizing, and making amends, the guilt-tripper turns the tables on you by saying something along the lines of, "I had no choice because you didn't check in enough to see how I was doing and pay attention to my needs."
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They also can seem hellbent on not letting something go. Once you've inevitably made some kind of mistake while interacting with them because, you know, you are human, the guilt-tripper may hold on to it and keep bringing up your "shortcomings" when they need you to comply. Lee calls it a debt for which no payment will ever be enough.
Exaggerating the impact. The guilt-tripper can also blow whatever happened completely out of proportion, making a minor issue seem like the end of the world. They may declare that life will never be the same because of what you did, leaving you wondering whether you somehow insulted not only them personally but all of their family, relatives, pets, and future descendants. This "move" seems to be particularly popular among entitled parents who weaponize their kids.
Ascribing ill intent. The guilt-tripper might insist that you did something deliberately or out of malice when you did not, saying, "You wanted me to fail" or "You are getting joy out of this happening."
Playing the victim. They may also try to make you feel guilty about doing anything other than protecting them like a little lamb.
One-upping your misfortune. Relationships aren't supposed to be competitions, but when you are in a tough situation, the guilt-tripper may claim that his or her situation is at least just as bad, but more likely even worse.
Reminding you of how much he or she has done for you. This is the look-at-what-I've-done-for-you-so-you-should-do-more-for-me argument. Again, keeping score in any relationship that's not based on a basketball court doesn't help build trust, which is why those who keep score tend to also exaggerate their input. The guilt-tripper may also simultaneously devalue what others are doing for you and make the "'I'm the only one who is really helping you" case.
"All of these tactics can really trip you up, leaving you with anxiety and self-doubt if you aren't fully aware of what the guilt-tripper is doing," Lee said. "Guilt-tripping can be like taking a Brillo pad to the trust needed for a healthy relationship.
"Therefore, once you spot any guilt-tripping tactics, emphasize to the guilt-tripper how such tactics aren't constructive ... The guilt-tripper needs to recognize, admit, and stop such behavior. However, if the guilt-tripper tries to guilt-trip you for calling out the guilt-tripping, then maybe it's time to make a trip right out of the relationship."
