Anyone who’s been in a long term relationship knows that not every day can be perfect. Love prevails, even through disagreements and difficult moments, but a relationship can’t all be sunshine and rainbows. And because the people we love the most have the potential to hurt us the most, it’s inevitable that our partners will at some point cause us pain.
Women on Reddit have recently been sharing the things they’ve had to forgive and move past for the sake of their relationships, so we’ve gathered some of their stories below. Keep reading to also find a conversation with Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, and be sure to upvote the stories that strike a chord with you.
#1
Maybe not what you mean, but a major thing I had to get over
It doesn't have to be done my way. It doesn't have to be 100% clean. If I want it done my way, to my standard, then I have to do it but it's okay for things to be done to a lesser standard if it means I don't have to do everything always. He doesn't clean the way I would, and he will always miss certain things, but at least he's cleaning too. I don't have to love his cooking, at least he's cooking so I don't have to make every meal. As long as he's trying, we don't fight about it. I never used to accept good enough, now I do.
106points
#2
I was reading “The Bourne Identity.” He had already finished it. We got in a fight, and he told me how it ended. That was in 1985. I have technically forgiven him, but in my heart - not really.
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106points
To learn more about how important forgiveness is in relationships, we reached out to UK-based Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda.
"Forgiveness is one of those words that no one defines!" the expert shared. "It means very different things to different people. For some, it means moving on, for others forgetting – which is impossible to do."
"A good definition is 'giving up the right to bear a grudge,' which means you don’t bring it up in future arguments or make your partner feel bad about it, but you can still say, 'This triggers memories of when you did x, even though I know we worked through it at the time.' So don’t put pressure on yourself to forgive without thinking through what it means," Rachel explained.
#3
First baby. The baby was in the NICU due to complications so I was alone in the room. My FIL comes from out of town and he doesn’t drive so my husband spent 4 days being his chauffeur and taking him shopping and out to eat while I’m in the hospital alone, sick (I had developed a bad infection), spending as much time as I can down in the NICU trying to nurse a baby covered in tubes and wires, eating hospital food while my husband and FIL ate nice restaurant food. When did come he had his dad with him and his dad didn’t see any reason to come to the hospital since he couldn’t see the baby, so the visits lasted a few minutes and then FIL wanted to go to a store or go back to the apartment to relax. Husband never came alone. After a few days of being alone I finally lost it on my husband. I was sobbing about how lonely I was and how much he had let me down and how he prioritized his dad over me and his son. He felt horrible and the behavior instantly stopped. He was by my side the rest of my stay and the next time we had a baby he told his dad to stay in a hotel and get a cab to the hospital.
I forgave this but I’ve never forgotten it.
100points
#4
My husband got drunk, fell asleep on the couch and dropped our newborn on the floor. He didn't wake up. I came out of bed after hearing the continuous screams to find our baby face down on the floor. I was so f*****g angry. We have since moved past that, his apologies & he no longer gets drunk with the baby in his care. I haven't forgotten, but I do forgive him. I saw how upset he was with himself.
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82points
#5
I started running last year and signed up for a local race to have something to train for. My husband runs 2-3 miles a day and wanted to do it with me so I let him. I over-trained the week of the race and with just over a mile left in the race, my hip completely gives out and I can barely walk, much less run the remainder. I’m heartbroken and so disappointed in myself. He already runs faster than I do so he finished the race by the time I texted him that I was going to be a while because I had an injury. I wanted to finish so I walked the remainder. When I got to the finish line about twenty minutes later, he’d already left because it was “super hot” and he wanted to get in air conditioning sooner. So I had to cross the finish line alone and in a ton of pain. It took me a long time to forgive him and I still won’t race with him anymore because he’s just not supportive.
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78points
Rachel also says that understanding might be a healthier first response than immediately jumping to forgiveness. "You need to understand why they behaved that way, what’s important to them in that situation, what needs were met through the behavior," she explained.
"If they don’t have insight into this, you might request they get some support for that, so they don’t repeat the behavior," she added. "Maybe it’s linked to a mental health issue or disability or neurodivergent trait that they can’t change or that's beyond their current capacity to change. And then they need to hear your needs and what’s important to you in the situation, and you need to feel fully heard."
#6
Forgot me in the hospital. I had told him to pick me up at 2pm, and he agreed. 2 pm comes and goes, 3 pm comes and goes... I have no money for a bus ticket because I had been too stressed to properly pack my bag when I went to the hospital.
I walked the 10km home, where he was working and completely unaware of the time.
I walked the 10km home, where he was working and completely unaware of the time.
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66points
#7
His mom. He had to learn (and thankfully did, but not without many arguments) to not feel that his first responsibility is his mom and brothers, but his partner (and later kids). Took 10 years to fully do so. It’s been 10 more blissful ones since.
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65points
#8
When we were dating he was too much involved in his work, I didn't feel valued and voiced it many times. He said that it wouldn't be the same if we lived together. I had hard times trusting that. It was hard to believe that he would actually change. He asked me to move in 3 times. I declined 2 times. I was still very worried and stashing away breakup money in case it didn't work out. Even before it was the end of the 1st month together, he proved me wrong and made me feel like we're a united front and a family. Coincidentally, I went through the most difficult times of my life. I had family problems and health issues that keep appearing. I eventually got depressed. He stood by me, took me to my doctor's appointments, made necessary changes for me to feel better even though it wasn't his jam at all. We moved to a much calmer neighbourhood and he bought me a super soft bed due to my intense back pains. He believed that we should stay in a busy area because I'd have more distractions to feel better and he believed that hard bed is much better for my back. The neighbourhood change took my anxiety away and he noticed that. He is now a fierce soft bed advocate. We're more peaceful than ever. We got married last year and expecting our first baby in January.
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60points
"Don’t be too quick to say, 'I forgive you,' and don’t feel under pressure to forgive just because your partner asks you for forgiveness," Rachel continued. "Unless you’ve fully processed it, you’ll just bury your feelings, and there will be resentment or insecurity."
"The partner who has wronged must take time to fully acknowledge how they have hurt their partner and how they feel about that," the expert says. "They need to acknowledge what’s important to their partner. In the example of folding the laundry, the partner needs to recognize what having clothes that aren’t creased represents. This is not a quick fix."
#9
Since he was suffering from childhood trauma I could not share my emotions openly. I would have to sort of wait to see if he is emotionally stable enough for me to unload myself on him. He has been able to provide me emotional support but sometimes I have had to deal it myself or put it aside to provide support to him because his issue was more damaging emotionally.
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55points
#10
I was very dizzy and very tired for a couple weeks. He kept telling me I was fine and essentially saying I was being overdramatic about it.
I went to the hospital and as it turns out I was incredibly anemic and required three blood transfusions over a two day period.
He felt very, very bad.
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51points
Rachel also shared some wise words about how to know if we're sacrificing too much for our partner. "A good way to approach things is to say, 'How can we balance both our sets of needs?' You don’t want to sacrifice your mental health or too much of your capacity or to repress your needs or emotions," she explained.
"The word 'sacrifice' frames the issue negatively – as a loss rather than a gain," the expert continued. "We have to ask, 'Do I have the capacity to do this in the long-term?' If it’s a behavior change, that is more than a one-off."
If you'd like to hear more advice from Rachel or seek guidance about your own relationship, be sure to visit her website right here!
#12
My husband was in charge of the laundry, because I was the breadwinner and he was home freelancing and watching over the kids. I would fold laundry because he was a sloppy folder.
I wore dressy T-shirts or knit blouses and turtlenecks for work. He would just shove them into the laundry basket to bring them up from the apt. bldg basement laundry facility, and they’d be incredibly creased by the time they cooled off.
That was bad enough, and then I hit a depression and an incredibly judgmental boss. I was fighting suicide ideation, and the weight of not being able to quit (I was the breadwinner, and he was bringing in $5,000/year—and I had the health insurance through my job, and it was pre-ACA).
I started really resenting that he wasn’t supporting me better. He didn’t do any f*****g research about health care alternatives, even if only for the kids; he wouldn’t look for a full-time job; he didn’t seem to be working that hard to find freelance work. His idea of supporting me was to hug me in the front hall as I sobbed about going in to work. AND HE COULDN’T EVEN JUST PULL MY SHIRTS OUT AND DRAPE THEM OVER SOMETHING SO THEY WOULDN’T WRINKLE.
I laid it out for him—that this wrinkled-shirts thing was hugely symbolic to me, that it meant more than just “or I look rumpled or have to iron things.” That it was important. He remembered to take hangers down three times (to put the shirts on as they came out of the dryer), and then stopped.
I really did consciously decide that I wanted to stay married, I had to stop depending on him for this; divorce wouldn’t have solved anything, and it seemed stupid to get divorced over his inability to remember not to cram my shirts down into the laundry basket.
And I got my own hamper and did my own laundry. But it was a major, major piece of distancing. To this day I don’t think he knows what a huge blow to our marriage it was. I couldn’t rely on him—I had to do it myself. It was massively symbolic. It reverberated for years.
I think he thought my doing my own laundry was just a pragmatic solution, instead of evidence of a huge, huge blow to the foundation of marriage.
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43points
#13
Spoiler alert: happy ending.
On our first date, hadn’t met in person yet, he stood me up.
I was extremely busy after we matched on bumble but he was so awesome from our chats it’s almost like he was a catfish that was designed specifically for me, that when he convinced me to meet him after work even though I only had a 1 hour window free (we had already planned a date the following week but he couldn’t wait) — I took it. It was late and it was a dive bar, I sat alone getting hit on by a local drunk named trevor while he ignored my texts. The last text I sent read, “what benefit is it to you to stand me up?” Then I went home. I was finishing up a lease getting ready to move a few days later and was still living in the house that I shared with my ex despite being broken up for several months at this point while he lived in a motorhome, so I had to walk of shame by my ex into my packed up empty house while I was already feeling low.
The next morning I woke up to my phone blowing up. Apology text after apology text starting in the middle of the night with an extremely weak excuse about falling asleep on the couch. He also asked what he could do to make it up to me. I told him I wasn’t interested anymore but I would go on our original date later that week if he did 2 things. Took a photo of himself with that days paper to prove he wasn’t a catfish, and then on our actual date he had to take a picture in front of the restaurant proving he was there before I even left my house. I literally laid in my new room (had moved by this point) dressed to the nines waiting for proof and then I got into my car and drove the 15 minutes to meet him.
Ended up being the best date of my life, and the love of my life... a few years later we now live together and are discussing getting engaged. We aren’t perfect but he’s my best friend and kind and thoughtful. I also see how sleepy he is. I would never ever advise someone to give a man that doesn’t value your time a second chance, but it blows my mind how close I was to not having him in my life.
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41points
#14
Time blindness. His job is 10 minutes from home so when he tells me he’s about to leave I expect him to be here within 30 minutes. But the issue is that we have different definitions of “about to leave” - mine is in the car, pulling into traffic. His is thinking about gathering up his stuff, chatting with a coworker, cleaning up some last minute things. He thinks these things take no extra time, meanwhile I think he’s upside down in a ditch.
I’m also pretty good at guessing how long errands will take and he’s …not. Im never late for anything, he can’t say the same. There’s a 0% chance that he’s trying to sneak off and do other things, he just doesn’t understand time in the same way I do.
Our system is that I’m in charge of departure times and I don’t wait for him to get home to do something. If we’ve agreed that he’d be home for dinner at 7 but he’s not here until 8, he knows that I’ve already eaten. It’s not perfect but keeps me from becoming a monster or resentment building up.
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36points
#15
Said that my nan dying was nothing like when her dog died, she was politely asked to leave our house for a few hours.
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36points
#16
An emotional affair. He claims to have not realized he was even doing it (and maybe that’s true) but when you’re deleting messages because you’re worried your wife will see, you should know it’s not appropriate.
Now it’s years later and as far as I know, he keeps all his girl friends out in the open and I get a long with almost all of them or at the very least trust him with them. I’m glad it worked out because we have had some really great times after forgiving him.
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34points
#17
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. I knew this from when we met over 10 years ago. He is not a raging drunk nor abusive in any way. My cousin once told me to decide before marriage if it’s something you are ok with because it will come up again and again. I have made my peace with it and don’t hold it against him. He doesn’t hit me, he doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t drink and drive. It worries me for his long term health, but I can only lead a horse to water.
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34points
#18
We’re long-distance (have been for the entire almost-6 years we’ve been together, including the almost-3 years we’ve been married) and it’s been tough, but the green card application process is hopefully nearing its end.
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31points
#19
In our almost 3 decades together: Working opposite shifts and him confessing he is attracted to two of my closest friends, not at the same time. He even shared his fantasies with each of them.
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30points
#20
About 6 years into dating, my now husband, was not there to support me when my aunt was dying of cancer. We were close and she and my dad were inseparable they were those kind of siblings that they were each other's best friends. It was really hard on my entire family.
Granted I did not say I wanted him with me and I've always been a very blunt person so he took that as me not needing him, but it hurt.
His friend was getting married and the timing was right around the time the bachelor party and the wedding were happening in two weekends back to back and it coincided with when my aunt was declining badly. So while he drove to go camping with his friend for his bachelor party I was driving another 3 hours to another city to see my aunt for the last time.
I was not mature about the way I approached it with him but I was pretty emotionally drained at that point. When we both got back he knew I was not feeling loving towards him at that moment.
After her funeral and everything died down we just had a really honest conversation with each other and talked about boundaries and responsibilities toward each other moving forward whether there were situations where we asked each other to be there or whether it's something that should be understood.
We've both grown a lot since then and of course we're older. It was one of the only major fights we've ever had and we've been together for over 14 years now. I think it made us stronger but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt.
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28points