Nobody’s flawless. It’s a simple fact, but it needs repeating: nobody is perfect; everyone has flaws. In reality, it’s a very tough idea to accept about our loved ones. Especially for parents, many of whom believe that their children are peerless angels and the best people on the planet.
However, some brutally honest parents anonymously opened up about their kids’ very worst character and behavior flaws in a series of r/AskReddit threads. They were very candid about what they dislike about their munchkins, and what they absolutely loathe about the things that they do. From excessive arrogance to compulsive lying and even worse, what follows is a dive into the darker side of parenting.
A small warning for all of you Pandas: this is an article that includes a lot of sensitive posts. Some of them might make you feel uncomfortable. Others might resemble your own family situation a bit too much. Keep that in mind as you start reading.
Bored Panda wanted to learn more about parenting, so we reached out to mom Samantha Scroggin, the blogger behind 'Walking Outside in Slippers.' She was kind enough to answer our questions about the challenges that parents face, correcting 'bad' behavior, and how there's no single right answer when it comes to rewards and punishments. You'll find her open and honest insights as you scroll down.
#1
My oldest son is severely autistic and twelve years old. Imagine someone bound by OCD that cannot talk and cannot understand seemingly very simple concepts.
He can understand some things, but the concept of abstract communication eludes him; i.e., I can tell him to get dressed, but he cannot understand that the 'tag' on a shirt goes behind his neck. So, there is a 25% chance his shirt is on correctly, 25% chance it is on backwards, 25% chance it is on facing correctly but inside out, and 25% chance it is on backwards and inside out. Of course, if it is cold outside, there is a 50% chance he'll come out in shorts. That isn't really too big a deal, but the inability to grasp this portion of communication bleeds into everything, things 99.9% of people take completely for granted.
When he was three, he had an ear infection. We didn't know that, of course, we just knew that he was inconsolable and in pain from *something*. He does not understand questions like 'does it hurt here?', or 'show me where it hurts', or 'does your stomach hurt?' Eventually his ear drum burst out yellow stuff and we said, 'oh. ear ache'.
He has never been given an aspirin for a headache. He's probably had a headache, but I don't know. He can't tell us if he has a headache, or any other kind of ache.
He can use the toilet, but doesn't really get using toilet paper. Or maybe he does, but saw us get upset once for throwing an entire roll into the toilet, so lately he has been going to the bathroom at 5:00 am, then finding clothes, sheets, towels, something, whatever, and wiping his a*s with those. We've pretty much run the washing machine on sanitize about .75 times a day the last two weeks. He's got a reason for it somewhere in his head that makes sense to him, but he can't tell us what it is, and we can't get him to figure out to f*****g come and get us if he's taken a s**t.
We've taken to 'hiding' foods he prefers in the house, given free reign to potato chips, or humus, or cranberries, or f*****g whatever, he'll eat and eat and eat, and then throw up later that night. It's not his fault, he's been on anti-psychotics for a few years now, one side effect of which is weight gain. I hate, f*****g hate, giving him anti-psychotics, but not quite as much as how he acts/acted when he wasn't on them.
As a family, we cannot realistically travel. Interruptions to his routine result in a constant moan / whine / crying / occasional outburst of self injury, or rarely, attacking others. The pain and fear he feels is very real to him, and we are powerless to provide him comfort. Instead, my wife will travel with my other sons while I stay home with him.
He has never had a friend that was not direct family or therapist. I don't see how he ever will. He will never kiss a girl, drive a car, or have a job. I have no idea if he *wants* to do those things or not, of if he knows they exist as things at all.
In the early days of his autism, we threw therapies at him by writing checks against the house and credit card companies to the tune of 30K+/year for five years or so. (insurance has subsequently helped out some with this). We're still digging our way out of that, slowly but surely. Ultimately, however, they haven't really done much in the context of turning him into a person that can life his own life. For example, they are working on having him keep a band aid on; they've had that as part of his program for about six months, and he'll keep a band aid on for fifteen minutes or so. Great. The reality is that when he gets a cut or laceration, it sits open for weeks; he simply will constant tear away any bandages. I'm sure that he has good reasons in his mind for not wanting a bandage on, but he just doesn't understand the concept of 'medicine' making you feel 'better' 'in a few days'; none of those things seem to get through.
He's never been to the dentist. There are some that will work with children like him when he is unconscious. We just haven't felt like giving him anesthesia to take him to the goddamned dentist. It's on the list for this year.
He goes through periods of self injury. When he was a toddler, he banged his head, *a lot*. He broke a few windows in our home. He very likely concussed himself a few times. Lately, he's been punching the table during favorite scenes from Disney films; he has a blood blister about three inches long on both hands. He understands when we tell him, 'don't do that, punch the pillow instead'. He'll punch the pillow for a few minutes, and then start banging the walls again; he is simply a slave to the routine.
When my wife and I die, people that make $10 an hour will take care of him, or not, for the rest of his life.
There's more, so much more, and the thing about autism is that it does not take one m***********g second off. Nobody gets a day off. Ever.
He works harder than anyone I know, harder than anyone reading this thread will ever work, and gets s**t to show for it. He inhabits a world where everything is too loud, too bright, too confusing and too unconforming to his patterns, and is trying as best as he can to navigate through it. He didn't ask for any of this. Sometimes he's got a d******d father who gets mad at him, who resents him for all of these things and a million others that he cannot control. Me. But he deserves better than that, so I'm trying, every f*****g hour of the day to remember that he is the one who got the raw deal, not me, not his brothers, him. I have bad moments, but no longer bad weeks or days. I'm working on it, if only I could work as hard as he does, I'd be golden.
So the answer to your question is autism happened to him, to us.
526points
Parenting blogger Samantha, from 'Walking Outside in Slippers,' explained that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. Every family, every situation is unique.
"'Bad behavior' has become very subjective for me when it comes to kids. I have a son with ADHD, and he can't always control his outbursts. Those outbursts can include cursing or kicking a wall. There was a time when I would have wondered why parents with a kid like that weren't doing their job. But punishment isn't effective with my son," mom Samantha was very candid about some of the challenges that she has to face as a parent.
"Screaming and yelling back only add fuel to the fire. He does better with rewards and consistency. I believe it's important for parents to customize their parenting and consequences for undesirable behavior to what works best for their child. There's no one-size-fits-all punishment for all kids," she said.
#2
When I became pregnant, I had not ever wanted a child. I was not at all happy, in fact I cried so much and became very depressed. I felt very pressured I to going through with it by my husband. He had very good intentions but it was just not something I wanted for myself. We had agreed before we married that we did not want children.
So I was very resentful and miserable. But I absolutely did my best to be a good mother because my baby had no say in this and I beleive all babies deserve loving mothers regardless of circumstances. So I faked it as best as I could and got help. I never wanted to hurt her or for her to feel unloved but it was so hard.
So I was very resentful and miserable. But I absolutely did my best to be a good mother because my baby had no say in this and I beleive all babies deserve loving mothers regardless of circumstances. So I faked it as best as I could and got help. I never wanted to hurt her or for her to feel unloved but it was so hard.
Never did it feel natural to me. I never found much enjoyment out of raising a child, I was exhausted and burned out by all the stuff kids do. I resented giving up my plans, my work, my horse, my whole identity for a child I never wanted.
My daughter is now ten and we have a great relationship. I enjoy her her company now. My harshness has pretty much dissipated and I feel much better about being a parent now. Hoping my early issues have not forever damaged her.
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352points
#3
Using throwaway because my wife knows my reddit. When she was pregnant with our first and only child, we knew before birth that she was high risk of down syndrome because the gene was quite prevelant in both our family histories. We both got tested and the doctor told us that our daughter had over a 80% chance that she will be born with Down Syndrome. Our marriage up to this point was happy and wonderful.
We dated for 9 months before getting married, and were more of partners than a couple. Everything we did, we decided together. We bought our own business, which didn't cause any fights, but rather we thrived because she was good at what I wasn't and vice versa. I was a messy 'kid' before I met her, and she helped me change my ways. She lacked hobbies before I met her, and I helped her find things she truly loved doing. We were happy, very very happy.
The doctor told us that abortion was a viable option, but we needed to decide within a week or it would be too late. I knew right away that I was for the abortion, but didn't know how to bring it up. When we finally did sit down and talk, I brought all sorts of articles and books on kids with Down Sydnrome. I tried to show her rather than convince her of how hard our life would be if our child actually did have it. It was going to be hard for both os us to have a healthy child, let alone one that needed far more care. We were both busy, and happy.
She didn't want to take out our unborn child, and there was nothing I could really do to change her mind without really really making her mad and ruining our relationship. So reluctantly, I went with it.
As luck would have it, our daughter was born with translocation Down Syndrome. Only 1% of all cases of down syndrome are that, and it has a lot to do with heriditory conditions. I don't want to go into how bad our life became. I really can't even handle typing it out. My wife had to quit her job which she adored. We had to move to a smaller house after a year and a half because of the medical bills. When I came home from work, she was too tired to talk or even see me and went to bed, and my entire 5 hours of free time every. single. day. was spent caring for our daughter in some form or another. I Didn't see my friend for 9 months. Missed my cousins wedding because we couldn't even think about travelling.
Everything changed, and everything changed for the worst. My wife and I only talked when we fought. Either she was too tired and that caused her anger, or I worked too much and didn't help her enough. To tell you my life went to s**t is an understatement, because I can't even imagine how much extra stress my wife must have endured in those first couple of years.
I don't hate my daughter. But I do resent the fact that we had her, even though I knew our life would be this way. I go to the parks sometimes and sit and watch all the happy fathers play with their happy kids. Watch them throw the ball around, or just run around the jungle gym. That's the life I wanted, that I dreamed of, but I will never have. My wife and I are still together because neither wants to burden the other by leaving.
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338points
Bored Panda was interested to understand how parents might deal with their kids lying. "When I catch my kids lying, I try to get to the root of why. And I let them know that lying is a worse offense than whatever they're lying to cover up," blogger Samantha explained how she approaches this with her own kids.
"I believe in setting high expectations for kids as far as expecting them to be good, honest people who are kind to others. And I often communicate the importance of this to my kids."
#4
My middle son (19) stole a 9mm pistol from my 82 year old father. When I confronted him about it he said I didn't understand, he needed the money and if I had given him more he might not have done it. 2 months later got caught on video stealing the candy money jar from a Mexican restaurant, again says if I'd had given him money ( because he's completely cut off at this point) wouldn't have done it. Downward spiral continues, he takes no responsibility for anything . He's a selfish a**hole who won't take care of his kids much less himself. I never thought I'd say this about my own child but F**K THAT GUY.
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335points
#5
My feelings changed the moment my (then 17 year old) daughter sucker punched me on side of my head during an argument about her cleaning her room. If I wasn't holding my 1 year old at the time I'm positive I would have knocked her the f**k out. I guess in my mind she did something taboo. You never, ever hit your mom...but she did. I love her but she broke my heart that day and I can't seem to get over it.
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282points
#6
My son told his friends that I was abusing and molesting him because he wanted the attention. We were very close. Child services were called and then the police. He stuck to his story. I don't hate him. I never could. Sometimes I'm very angry but mostly the betrayal gets me. I would never have believed he would do that. After several awful months I think it's going to be alright legally but the legal fees and stress has been overwhelming. Things will never be the same between us. He is a teenager btw
245points
Samantha agrees that we tend to become more empathetic towards others as we grow up. "I know I have become much more sensitive to the plight of others. Maybe this is due to having kids myself, and feeling a little bit like everyone's mom. Or just an increased awareness of mortality and people's differing life circumstances. But empathy is a good thing. Most of us could probably use a little more of it," she said.
Very recently, Bored Panda spoke about kids’ capacity for empathy and (the lack of) kindness with psychologist, author, and mom-of-four, Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D.
"Children learn from observation of what others do, but also through explicit teaching and explanations, and through experience and observation of how others respond to certain actions," Dr. Kennedy-Moore explained to us, adding that we tend to develop more empathy for other people as we grow and mature.
"In general, we become more empathic at 19 than we were when we were at age 9, and that continues, so we're more empathic at 29 than 19, at 39 than 29, simply because we've experienced more of life, so it's easier for us to put ourselves in someone else's shoes," the psychologist said.
#7
I made an account just for this question. I beyond resent my son. He's seven. He lies all the time, never listens, and does harmful things to others. His father took off before he was born. The state say they can't find him without a SSI or address for me to receive support. I've been living off the state for over six years. I work and go to uni full time. Every day is an argument and fight with this child. There are no fun times. There are no happy moments. He makes me miserable. All I want to do is graduate with my bachelors in engineering. Every morning he makes me late for class because he refuses to listen to a single word. I've tried all the ways of disciplining or rewarding to get him on track. He's in special education for speech and math support. The doctor diagnosed him with ADHD last month. We are working through getting the right dose. But, for now- he made me miss my calculus class again because he refused to get out of bed this morning. I don't think I love him anymore. I feel like he's sabotaging my life and chances for getting out of the welfare system. I'm miserable with him in my life.
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234points
#8
I recently gave up all parental rights to my only child, a son, after 13 years of dealing with his mother's lies, accusations, criminal and family lawsuits based on lies.
I truly loved my son. I was an excellent father who did everything possible to teach him the value of truth, kindness and honesty in life.
I have been accused of starving him, beating him, doing cocaine, methamphetamine and heroin (none of which i do). I have had to invest thousands of dollars in legal fees to defend against false claims.
My son has picked up her lying manipulative ways, as well as her desperate need for all attention to focus on her. He has become a liar just like his mother, who supports her falsehoods with his own voice. He has threatened to shoot me, and himself with my business protection firearm.
For the safety of myself, and the safety of my wife, i have severed all ties, and allowed him to be adopted by his stepfather... who is an evil and manipulative man just as his mother is... he is on his own, in a world i know little about. I fought hard for him, but he continued to lie, not only supporting her outrageous claims, but also coming up with some of his own, for added flair.
After 12 years of crushing heartbreak, i gave up.
Life has been so much less stressful and crushing since. I do this knowing that I gave 150% of my self to parenting so my burden of guilt is minimal.
**EDIT:** Lots of people pointing out that I am not perfect. Agreed. I definitely have my faults.... Numerous, as humans tend to be. None-the-less... The level of hateful alienation exacted by this woman defies all logic. None of her drug claims were true. believe it or don't... The facts are facts. None of the abuse claimed was true. I never even spanked this child, for fear of the obvious; She would call CPS at the first possible opportunity.
he and I spent each visitation together, hiking, biking, reading, motorcycling, learning, traveling, camping, preforming kitchen science experiments for fun answers to random kid questions.... I don't claim that this makes me a saint. I do, RIGHTFULLY, claim that this makes me a good parent. more so than many modern parents offer to their children in the age of "electronic babysitting". I paid my child support for 13 years, never missing, While she told him I refused to pay or help her.
My mother has showed up to her home to pick him up for visitations, while she and her friends and family would hole up inside her home, and call the police to report that I was "storming down their door". Meanwhile, the police arrive and find that my 67 year old mother was out in the car, alone, not me... Imagine the sheriff's surprise! Why was my mother there instead of me you ask?? Because 2 weeks earlier the police showed up to my home, after i picked my son up, saying that i had pushed her down and slapped her.... again... believe it or not, i just didn't to these things. it's a fact, so i don't need approval on it.
There is, in this world, a growing disregard for what is right and moral. This woman, and those she surrounds herself with are part of that toxic society. It goes far beyond simple family discord. Remember, this child has already made a LETHAL threat of grave bodily injury to himself, and me. This is not to be taken lightly in our current times. I believe that this general loss of respect for others is exemplified in this woman, and the way she has chosen to approach our *former* parent/co-parent/child relationship. This toxic child-rearing has destroyed his chance at a normal perspective on life. he will always view the world through a lens of deceit and anger. I genuinely tried to help, but when he won't help himself, and goes further still, hurting me and my wife... I must draw a line somewhere.
Believe it or don't, I'm a good human being.
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212points
#9
I have a 7 year old daughter. I think she has some kind of personality disorder. Some days she’s her normal loving, goofy self. Then there are other days where she is manipulative, mean, and hysterical. She says things to hurt you on purpose and will freak out if she doesn’t get her way, hurting herself in the process. But if I call her dad and FaceTime with him she stops on a dime and says I was lying and I hit her and don’t love her. I didn’t even know a kid that young could lie like that. She does this to me, my husband, and her stepmom. Her dad honestly believes we are all lying when we say something is wrong. She’s been to 3 therapists and they all act like we’re crazy because she puts on a good act. It makes me sick sometimes that I am happy when she goes to her dads house. I have a 1 year old son with my husband and I don’t want her to do to him what she does to me or her other family members. I don’t know what to do
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206points
The psychologist explained that kids need 3 ‘ingredients’ in order to respond to others in a caring way. First, they need to be able to imagine how others think and feel. “The ability to imagine accurately someone else's perspective generally begins around age 4 and grows with age and experience.”
Second of all, children need to learn to manage their distress. In short, when they’re feeling overwhelmed, they tend to not have the ability to be overly kind. "Kids don't have the bandwidth to respond kindly to someone else if they are overwhelmed by their own feelings."
Lastly, children need to firmly believe that they are capable of helping others. "If they don't think they can help or don't know how, they're likely to freeze or avoid situations where someone is upset,” Dr. Kennedy-Moore said.
"Parents can help by talking about people's thoughts and feelings as they come up in books, movies, or real life. This gives children a window into people's internal life that helps with perspective-taking. Parents can help children manage their own emotions by naming those feelings as well as teaching specific coping strategies such as distraction, deep breathing, counting to ten, or using words to ask for what they want," she told Bored Panda.
#10
Because after his mom died , I stopped disciplining him. I thought if I gave him everything I never had ; coolest clothes , shoes, toys , dirt bikes, game consoles etc would make me a good parent. I was wrong. He's about to turn 18 and i can't even stand to be in the same room as him. He's manipulative, mean, arrogant and condescending. And it's all my fault.
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184points
#11
Throwaway because my husband knows my Reddit name and I am not sure how he would take this.
I remarried a wonderful man, my soul mate about 2 years ago. I have two kids of my own. One son and one daughter. One is 14 and the other is 21. He has a daughter. She is almost 8. We met when his daughter was about 3 and a half. It is bad to say, but personality wise she hasn't changed very much the last 4 or so years.
I don't necessarily dislike my stepdaughter all the time....I have just had to distance myself a bit. She has no manners, no respect, she is spoiled and will whine until she gets her way. For example I overheard her tell her great grandmother to shut up. I also heard her tell her mom "You are the most disgusting person I ever met". When they "scold" her she always tries to say she was "just joking" and then she will start crying and saying "nobody wants me around" and stuff like that.
I know this is turning into a long post and I apologize...it has just been building up so long. I try my best with her and I had such high hopes for a close relationship with my step daughter. But I have found that our personalities clash. And I am used to having respectful kids. My husband tries his best to make her act right, but every time she goes back to her mom's or her grandparents it gets worse. They give her everything she wants no matter what and they allow her to talk to them anyway because "she is still little and we may not have anymore kids/grandkids." So I don't blame my husband, I feel bad for him because he is tired of having to be the bad guy all the time.
Oh and she likes to torment my cats. I tell her all the time to be nice to them. Pet them gently or better yet! Leave them alone. But she likes to chase them, pour water on them, throw dirt at them....etc. She has plenty of toys in her room and also electronics and games. But she will cry and whine until my husband lets her use his laptop. She likes to watch toy commercials on Youtube and tell us what she wants for Christmas or her Birthday. She makes these 5 page long lists of what she wants all the time. And then if she doesn't get it, she whines that she never gets anything she wants. Her mother told us she picked out a 50.00 Halloween costume last week. She said she told her that was way too expensive to pay when she is only going to wear it a few hours. Well step daughter proceeded to cry and say she doesn't have anything and never gets anything and she needs new parents.
One more thing that makes me mad....if adults are in the room trying to have a conversation she will interrupt repeatedly until they stop talking and listen to her or watch her do some little something that could have waited. This child gets more attention that any child ever so I know its not lack of attention that causes it.
I could go on and on but no one wants to read a two mile long post of me complaining so I will end it here. Thanks for letting me vent a little.
One more thing I thought of! About a year ago I had my little grand daughter over at our house. She was about 9 months old at the time. Step daughter got caught trying to give the baby rocks. We all get onto her and tell her how dangerous it is to give a baby rocks, babies can choke and get injured or even die...all that. Well, a few minutes later I catch her putting the rocks in my grand baby's pocket and I go mental. After telling her she could choke and die if she gets ahold of a rock she is putting them in the baby's pocket!! Just one more example of there is something not right with this girl.
TL;DR Step daughter has no manners or respect for adults and even tried to harm my grand daughter once. My nerves just cant handle it anymore.
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177points
#12
I am a step parent. I love my son. Love him like crazy.
But.
He's a slob. And he married a slob with two slobby children and they had another child who is our adored grandson and likely also a future slob.
Their house is always filthy and by filthy I mean FILTHY. They have 5 dogs and at least two cats inside the house. The dogs are untrained and so they chew through everything and c**p on the floor. It smells like a cat box, dishes are never washed and sit caked with food just wherever they leave it. Laundry is piled high against the walls in the bedrooms and you have to pick a path across the living room dodging toys, dishes, dog c**p, and the cats who are always trying to stay one step ahead of the dogs.
The smell of cat p**s is so strong my eyes literally watered when I walked in. Beds not made? Yeah, they don't even have proper beds (we've given them three - don't know where they went). They sleep on bare mattresses on the floor - sheets optional. A floor that is covered with dog feces and dirt. I am astonished none of them have developed ringworm or typhoid. The kids smell like a dirty litterbox and go to school in wrinkled dirty clothing. It's humiliating for us and frightening. They've been reported to DFS, but I don't know what DFS did because the house is still a shithole. The whole situation makes me so angry I don't trust myself with either of them. The urge to shake them and scream "You stink! Clean your f*****g house!" is nigh uncontrollable.
It makes me sick that he and she allow this to go on. Neither of them were raised in dirty houses. I don't like either one of them, but I love them all very much.
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158points
"Parents can guide children toward seeing themselves as helpers by talking about how children's kind actions impact others. For instance, they might say, 'That was kind of you to help your brother with his block tower. He was sad when it fell down, and he felt happier when you helped him build it up again.' Or, 'Thank you for helping me put away the groceries. I'm happy that we got the job done quickly.'"
According to the psychologist, everyone makes mistakes and ends up doing something that isn’t kind. It’s inevitable that everyone will mess up at some point in their lives. That’s why parents shouldn’t jump to conclusions: they shouldn’t assume that a single mistake is an indication of “terrible things ahead.”
"Instead, acknowledge good intentions, describe the other person's feelings, and focus on moving forward. For instance, you could say, 'I know you're excited about going on the swings, but your sister also wants to swing, and she's sad that she hasn't had a turn yet.' Then, to move forward, you could ask, 'What can you do to help her feel better?' or 'What would be fair to everyone?'"
#13
I know this comment will probably be buried at the bottom but I'm gonna take this chance to get some stuff of my chest.
First of all - I don't hate my daughter - far from it. I love her with all my heart. Instead I hate the life we have.
My daughter has a rare chromosome disorder and is also on the autism spectrum (not full on autistic though). She'll soon be 5 and still doesn't speak. She has a hearing loss so she has to wear hearing aids. By not being able to speak (except for some words like yes or no) we can't really communicate with her. Everything is done by us asking her questions which she says yes or no to. Sometimes she shows us what she wants by pointing, using sign language (she knows some signs), or she goes and fetches something to show us. This covers her basic needs. But we can never have a discussion with her. Asking how her day was at pre school etc. We can't talk about stuff. She doesn't really have any friends and she just recently started "playing" with other kids at pre school. I could go on and on about this. But I'm terrified for the future. I can't really think about how her and our life will be when she gets older without tearing up. So many things she won't be able to experience - even though I don't even know if she would like to.
To summarise - I don't hate her. Far from it. I hate that she has this disorder. At the same time - her disorder has made she who she is. And I hate myself for looking at other families and being jealous for what they have. Hearing friends talking about how they discuss events with their 3 yo etc. Seeing other kids playing together and making up games and stuff while my kid is so far behind.
The worst part is that I sometimes wish myself or my family to be in an accident so there would be an end to this. I of course don't really wish for this but I sometime long for the life I didn't get. Before getting kids - this was my worst nightmare - having a kid with a disability.
I know I should probably start seeing a psychiatrist.
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152points
#14
Throw away because this may be my deepest darkest secret ever and even now it almost brings me to tears to type this. One of my children with mental illnesses has been disturbed and has survived numerous attempts.
There have been times where I have had to sit in a chair in her room and watch her all night while she sleeps. Everything is locked up in our house. I keep cleaning supplies in my desk at work and bring them home only to clean and then take them back. Everything is a battle with her. It's embarassing all the times we have an ambulance or cops come over. There is so much more that goes on.
Anyway, I can remember one really really awful period in our lives about a year ago where I honestly felt like had she not survived her attempts that life for me and her siblings would be easier.
There are a lot of days where I feel like I resent her inside. I just tell myself and try and remember that she is still the sweet girl I remember from her being a kid. What I resent is the person she is on meds and the depressed disturbed and self harming person she is when not on meds.
:(
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139points
#15
My dad likes to ask me "I bet you didn't know having kids would be so hard huh?" but no, I never in a million years figured how hard, and I by no means have it as bad as some in this thread.
Basically it started at "terrible 2's" normal, ok. But wait no, 3's were terrible, and 4's, and 5's, all terrible. It's a bit of just a bad memory at this point with a few highlights that stand out.
Kindergarten started, the school called every day saying how his behavior was bad. He wouldn't sit down on the bus, wouldn't sit still in class, wouldn't stop talking. During grade school, getting a simple page of homework done took 2 hours because he would hide it, rip it, throw it away.
I couldn't read books to him at night, he would slap it out of my hands, or bounce around on the bed to the point I couldn't finish.
He would go into terrible rages as he got older but still in grade school, threatening to throw up on me, smash the table, turn chairs over. Had no concept of behavior vs punishment or reward. None. We tried everything we could think of. I could say "don't touch that thing" and turn my back for a second, and he was touching it. Short term goals, long term goals, immediate punishment, or 'atonement' in the form of making up for bad behavior with 'good works', nothing matters. Nothing was being learned.
He would steal food. Plenty of health choices were available, want to eat 5 ham sandwiches? Extra dinner? Sure! No. I'm taking eating an entire carton of ice cream, a brick of cheese, 5 Popsicle's in one sitting etc. We tried teaching portion control, teaching how it was unfair that he got 9 items out of a box of 10 when 4 of us were in the house. We tried telling him we needed for instance, a block of cheddar cheese for dinner the next night, but he could have the sliced cheese. Nope, he ate up the block.
He's not allowed to eat food in his room but we find empty cups, plates, bowls, etc everwhere. Bowl under the couch? Check. Old pizza under the blankets? Check. Empty ice cream carton in the closet? Yep. Half eat frozen dinner in a pile of laundry? You guessed it. This has been going on from around 7 until now, at 12.
He was on meds for a while, Focalin at first. His teachers at school called me in one day under the pretense of seeing him read. Instead I got ambushed about how unhappy he was, and how he really needed more reading help. The next day they said he was done with the special reading program. What?
He lies about homework. "I don't have any". Great well the school website says you do, where is it, show it to me? "Oh I forgot it in the my locker/I did it already/I turned it in already". Lies. When hiding it around the house didn't work out, he turned to saying it was at school, knowing I couldn't verify until it turned up as late on the online grade sheet.
He steals, just around the house so far. Can't have soda? That's ok I'll take it anyway. I want to impress a girl? I'll take my moms necklace. My chain broke, I'll take my brothers, even minutes after being told "don't even think about it". I want a game mom said I could have next week? No prob I'll steal her credit card and order it now, or steal my brothers money.
He's currently in detention after school on Weds and Fridays to help him get his work done. He is also grounded. He lied about not needing to go last Wed and didn't show up. He tried to do it this past Friday but I called his teacher and marched his butt back to school. He cried and screamed about that.
I nearly had more than a few nervous breakdown when the school has called me and let me know about terrible things he's told other kids at school. We got into therapy. I took hidden videos when he would flip out, because it was so nightmarish I sometimes couldn't even believe it even the next day.
He's threatened to take his own life because some girl didn't want to date him. We thought we had that talked out with the therapist. Another night when he ran home early which was unusual, and I got a bad feeling. Shortly after the police and paramedics showed up because he threatened to take his own life, and smeared my red lip gloss across his chest and took pictures, and said he had stabbed himself. That was a very expensive bill. The therapist thought we had it sorted out. Nope, soon as he got his cell phone back he messaged the girl saying he was extinct from infection.
He asked repeatedly why the rules are what they are, and even if we lay down the law he'll pester and pester and pester. He'll tell me entirely unnecessary things while I'm working even after being told I need to not be distracted.
We keep tabs on his web activity, xbox, tv viewing, and cell phone usage. We try to provide knowledge of the bad things, but not allow him to bask in it like many on the internet do. I'm not religious but I roll with "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" It's hard. Evil is pretty cool, in many young peoples minds. Trolling is funny to them. Being mean is funny.
We try to keep him occupied with sports and activities, but he needs action and monitoring what feels 24/7 and I can't DO IT.
We have 2 kids and the youngest, who is 8 now, is so much EASIER I want to cry. I would have NEVER had kids if I knew how much work the first one was going to be. NEVER.
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132points
#16
I lost all respect when the kid began pushing homeopathic products and therapies. When did this kid become convinced that this literal snake oil is good for people? When did science and logic lose out? What's even worse is that the kid still thinks their views are completely normal and mainstream. Meanwhile, I can't get over the numerous people being hurt by this completely useless hokum every day which my progeny is advocating. All of those 'clients' should be going to a real doctor. My own kid is actually a force for bad outcomes. It makes me ill.
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123points
#17
I dated a guy for five years, and he was the sole parent of a kid. He basically raised her barely above neglect levels. She had food, clothes, a room. But he would basically not do anything to care for her and wouldn't even see her for days on end. She was 6 when we met.
I felt I had to step in and help out, and he basically dumped raising her on me. I was overwhelmed, resented the fact that I had to change my life and lifestyle for her. But when I would withdraw, she basically was left in her room (frequently "grounded" for minor infractions because it meant he had an excuse not to interact).
I tried to make things special for her, planned outings and whatnot. She never expressed gratitude, and would blow temper tantrums that things weren't enough, I wasn't spending enough money, or we went to the local amusement park when she wanted to go to Disney.
her father was manipulative. If I took time for myself, he would tell her it was because I was being "selfish". She picked up on this, and would threaten to tattle on me if I didn't do something or told her to take time. She told her grandparents her grades were bad because I didn't do it for her.
When her father and I split up, it was hard because I knew her dad wasn't willing to parent at all, and I knew she would be neglected. No one deserves that. But I had to get out of the bad, abusive relationship. We kept in touch for a while, but her dad started using her as a weapon. I broke contact.
Now she posts angry messages on Facebook directed at me. She is entering her teen years and blames her problems on me.
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116points
#18
My mother wanted a boy, had one before me but it was a miscarriage, I was conceived a year after, I was an early delivery, she was in coma for 2 weeks and after that she did not take me or touch me or look at me or even fed me for days. my dad took care of me and looked after me. she still curses me and wishes it was a boy
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112points
#19
I don't dislike or hate my son but I damn sure have some resentments every now and then. I have a 5 year old with extreme behavioral/rage issues. They stem from a large dose of steroids required for a long period of time for a previous medical issue. I am not in the dark about these issues, I have a psychiatrist and counselor that we pay for for him. However, no one is willing to do anything because he is 5. No diagnosis. Barely medication (the wrong ones). I have had to inpatient hospitalize my 5 year old son twice. I have another child younger than him that was born around the time that all of this started happening and I just watch the difference between the two. I sometimes wish I could have switched and had her first because the only reason for trying again was so I could have a girl. I watch happy, functional families and it makes me angry because we have been burdened by this. We can't travel, we can't go to parks or things of that nature because he targets other children and I don't want to be that a*****e mom on the playground that just lets my son beat the s**t out of other kids. CPS is now involved for the 4th time in 2 years because at school he cracked a kid across the head with a rock because the school refuses to give him an IEP because he is so young. My husband and I have tried every parenting book, behavioral therapy method, strategy, etc. Nothing seems to work. Some days I just turn my phone on silent because I know its going to be the school calling me saying he wont sit still in class and keeps running out of the classroom acting like an a*s. But I have asked them repeatedly for an IEP and they refuse.
Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than life itself, but it f*****g kills me to watch him have to live like this. He is so angry all of the time and sometimes I have to hold him in a full nelson on the floor crying so that he wont hurt himself or anyone else. I wish other parents knew what this torture was like. The constant self-doubt, and wondering where we went wrong. It is slowly killing my marriage and I honestly wouldn't blame my husband if he did leave, in fact I'd probably send our daughter with him just to make sure she was safe.
So yes, I completely understand where some of these other parents in this thread are and I don't judge anyone anymore when they say their kids have pushed them to the edge. I've been there and back so many times, I have the route memorized.
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105points
#20
God help me, but I really do not like my son. He's boorish, self-aggrandizing, and prone to pulling together two or three disparate things that have most recently come up in conversation and then crafting them into an absurd anecdote or lie. He has, since even the time when he was a tiny child, routinely let things tumble out of his mouth that mortify me. He's nearly 25 now, thank fuck, but for the entirety of his school years I would go to parent/teacher conferences and watch the same sequence play out, again-and-again... I would meet the teacher, we would shake hands and I would already be able to make out the look of disgust on their face. Their expression would so obviously be "Oh, so this is the prick who formed this little asshole's personality, huh?" Then, as they would spend time with me and realize that I appeared to be an ok human being, they would begin unspooling to me every shitty/awful thing he had said to them and the other kids in his class. One time, my lily-white son was trying to get the attention of a little girl who sat beside him and, when she didn't jump to quick enough for him, he said "Excuse me, BLACK GIRL, may I have your attention?" We tried immersing him with loving, inclusive groups at school, at our church, and any hobby/sport/interest that came along that he showed enthusiasm for... He was never invited to a classmate's birthday party more than once... Worst of all? He continually sees himself as a victim. It's not that the shitty things he says to people are the problem... It's that they are too simple to understand how he really means them. They are simply too stupid to realize how awesome/brilliant/cool he is... Oh, it makes me sad. It truly does. I hate him and he won't go away.
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100points