#1
Shortly after I lost 210lbs of dead weight and then my own 80lbs
#2
#3
The decision to marry someone shouldn't be taken lightly. Even when a person is sure they want to spend the rest of their life with someone, there are things they should consider before diving into a lifelong commitment.
"Couples should consider their 'non-negotiables,' aka the things that they feel like they don't have wiggle room or flexibility around when it comes to their future partner or future relationship. A lot of these items reflect that person's values," says relationship expert Emily Marriott, LMHC, LPC.
Some examples include:
- Do they want children? If so, what timeline do they have in mind? What are their stances on women's access to healthcare regarding pregnancy? Are they open to adoption or IVF if becoming pregnant poses dangers/difficulties? How do they feel about childcare options? What do they imagine is their future parenting style?
- What's their narrative or relationship with finances and spending?
- What's their stance on divorce?
- What does being married mean/represent to them?
- What do they want to happen if a family member/parent falls ill and needs support?
#4
#5
#6
"Having all of these conversations upfront helps establish a strong base moving forward so that when these life things come up, they've already been discussed—obviously leaving room for things to change over time and with varying circumstances," Marriott further explains.
Relationship expert Dr. Deb Castaldo agrees it's critical that couples have an open conversation about compatibility for the long term of marriage and adds these points to consider:
- Do you have the same overall values about life?
- Have you discussed religious/spiritual beliefs?
- Have you both observed and talked about each partner's health, mental health, financial habits, and family relationships?
- What are your life goals and dreams, and do they mostly match each other?
- Have you been open about your needs for intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual (affection)?
- How satisfied are you with your communication?
- How satisfied are you with how you solve conflicts and differences as a couple?
#7
#8
#9
Excuse me — you’re bigger, taller, and clearly stronger? That moment cracked something open. Suddenly, all the other red flags I’d ignored came flooding in. The disqualification began.
However, if a partner exhibits signs of poor physical and mental health care, unstable emotional health, addictions to substances, or has a poor relationship and financial history, these are bright red flags that shouldn't be ignored, says Dr. Castaldo. "Most importantly, is the person willing to grow and change and let you, as the partner, change them as well?"
"[A red flag] is when that person is more focused on what a partner has to offer to them instead of what they have to offer to their partner—focused on their gains instead of what they're willing to give or what they can co-create with their partner, both in and out of the relationship," adds Marriott.
#10
When I got back Friday evening, the dishwasher still hadn't been emptied (garbage can was also full) and his new dirty dishes were just in the sink.
Snapped out of my feelings for him immediately.
#11
#12
But as we all know, no one is perfect, as cliché as it might sound. "If someone is a good person and has mostly good qualities, you have probably made a good choice," says Dr. Castaldo.
"The basics to look for: someone who is a good friend and companion with you, who is willing to communicate even when differences are problematic, whose care, concern, and support are consistent, and who values the bond of affection. These are the qualities that will give you a great chance at being fulfilled in love for a lifetime."
#13
#14
Absolutely not.
(I picked up the wrapper and threw it away btw.)
#15
I spin and knit very intricate, very delicate lace. I teach others to spin and weave, sew, etc. I teach/preserve/decolonize history of """women's work"""
I used to make wedding gowns, now I only do alterations for special people.
This s**t is my entire personality.
Their pettiness when called out on their (very real, reckless, disregarding, actual health hazardous) behavior was the final straw
(My current project)
If a person lacks marriage material qualities, partners shouldn't try to 'change' them, as they should be voluntarily willing to put the work in themselves.
"All too often, people close their eyes to who a person really is. One must usually observe for a few months to a year to discover a person's personality, habits, and potential as a partner or marriage material. It's my opinion that it is a trap to think that you can change someone who is a poor prospect for marriage into "marriage material," Dr. Castaldo says.
"A person needs to want to work on their own growth and development, you can't do it for them! What you see is what you get, so don't romanticize that someone can magically become the perfect God or Goddess."
#17
#18
Lastly, she concludes by saying, "It's important to sit with yourself and contemplate what are the deeper qualities that you most desire in a relationship. It's not about how attractive or tall someone is, how funny they are, or how much money they have. Those factors do not contribute to the success of long-term love.
It's also important to think about how you were loved in your growing up, what nurturing did you receive, and what was missing. This is important because it is your blueprint for loving, and you will most likely repeat what you were taught about how to love."
#19
#20
