“As Gay As It Is In The Media”: 30 Surprising Things About Prison, As Shared By Ex-Inmates

You've heard of for-profit prisons, but it starts well before and ends well after prison.

Everything has a cost: parole (you pay a parole fee), community service (you pay a community service fee), court costs, you owe the state for part of the cost of you being in jail. Restitution (paying back the people hurt by your crime). Ankle monitor, on your tab. Can't pay? Parole revoked, back to jail with no chance of re-parole / you must serve your full sentence because you violated conditions of your parole.

The biggest scams are the halfway houses. They were about $1500 a month in my town to share a dormroom with, well, another ex-con. Can't pay? Parole revoked, back to prison.

And remember that you're supposed to be paying all this on whatever job you can get **as a felon**. Do you know how many jobs, like Wendy's or even Kroger, tell you to GTFO when you answer that you have a felony conviction? I couldn't work at a *library*. What, you think I'm going to steal a library book?

If you have a substance-related conviction (and sometimes, even if you don't... eg me), you have to do regular d**g testing. You're paying for that, of course. Can't pay? Back to prison. It was like $128 a month for 2x month d**g testing. And again, my conviction wasn't d**g related.

My roomie did have a d**g-related conviction, so he had to do three random d**g tests a week (that he had to pay for). He almost got sent back to prison (2 of 3 strikes) for testing "dilute"; that is, his urine was too watery. He was walking home in 95* heat (can't have a car at this halfway-house) and was, you guessed it, drinking water.

I did the math and I owed about $2200 / month in mandatory court expenses, that if I did not pay I would go back to jail. That was something like 200 hours of work / month, *before taxes and not even considering food*. And I had a fairly good job, *especially* for a convicted felon.

But the best part was the judge that sentenced both of us **owned the halfway house**. He was a partial owner. Talk about cash 4 kids.

The system is absolutely, 100% designed to send you back to prison. There is simply no way a normal ex-con can get out of the "cycle" on their own.

edit: this was in one of, if not the most, progressive towns in the country. I cannot imagine what it would be like in the Sheriff Joe Arapaio places of the world.

Here in Wisconsin, there’s a volunteer organization that trains guide dogs. All guide dogs in this program are housed at a prison an trained by an inmate for a portion of every dogs puppy raising process.

newsgroupmonkey:

In many prisons in the UK, dogs, particularly cute ones, are allowed in prisons as therapy dogs.
Apparently you can often take the hardest, most manly prisoner and they'll become an absolute softy around a cute dog.
On the other hand, the security dogs, don't muck about around them.

How loud it is ALL THE TIME. Damn near deafening.

A lot of people don’t realize how much trading goes on inside. It’s not just cigarettes everything has value, from ramen noodles to stamps. The barter system is huge, and sometimes it feels like an economy all on its own.

Not a former prisoner, but used to work in a job that involved the prison system:

1) The sheer volume of paperwork prisoners do every day. Everything they do, everything they request, almost every little interaction with the facility involves paperwork.

2) How *normal* a prison can feel, almost like any institutional setting — hospital, university, etc. — with people hanging around, shooting the s**t, going to work, going to class, until suddenly it very much doesn’t.

Never went to prison but got arrested before and spent a few days in jail. Chained next to a guy that was a repeat offender and taught his GF, who also got arrested with him, sign language. Neither are deaf; they use it to signal each other in between cells. I always thought that was pretty interesting.

From my husband/ best friend :

"From the color of the uniform to the color of the walls, every detail of a prison was thought about and placed to keep your mind numb and institutionalized".

Can only speak for Australian prisons, but the food can be incredible if you're lucky and they let the prisoners cook.

Every chef is on d***s and will eventually spend time locked up, so you can have the entire kitchen of a prison be top class chefs.

Seriously, the best crumbed chicken I've ever had in my life was in Pentridge in the mid 90s. So crisp and full of flavour. 25 years and I've never had anything which has come close to how nice it was. Wish I know who cooked it so I could visit their restaurant, lol.

There are a lot of nerds in prison. Like regular DnD campaigns, magic the gathering battles, we played tons of board games, occasionally got awarded a game system for cleanest unit. (Only Madden and Forza tho, no shooters).

Lifers get more perks than temp prisoners. They have nothing to lose really, so they are kept happy. (Ireland)

It’s smelly and loud, the TV is fought over, but we all sang along to the commercials, the water is either way too hot, or ice cold. The food sucks a*s, I had like 3 pieces of fruit the whole time I was there. It made me not want to ever go back again, so I guess I learned my lesson. There was little to no mental health support, and half of the people in there just have undiagnosed mental illnesses.

Women’s prison is a pettier, gayer version of middle school. I got pretty much molested daily my first 2 months. Prison definitely helped me to have a backbone. They are nice to you if they can tell you’re not from the lifestyle. Most of the time I escaped the drama because my character and heart saved me, so if someone did try to start something the other girls would usually step up for me.

Everyone is allll talk and if fights do happen they’re not that serious and usually about prison gfs or mutual dudes on the outside. Yes it is as gay as it is the media. 90%, married or not, no matter how straight they claim to be, engage in sexual activities or heavy petting and hand holding lol. Even more definitely get into a weird emotional/romantic relationship even if they never cross the physical activity line. It’s boring.

Depending on the program you’re in there’s mandatory wake up at either 5am or 9am. I was in the 5am and you get written up if you’re caught laying down. It’s super hard to actually have any s*x unless you’re roommates especially in a smaller facility the guards really have no lives so they police even sharing headphones. I got written up once for letting my roommate use my mayo at cafeteria for dinner.

You get reallyyyy comfortable having to strip down and spread and cough. I had to do it usually at least 3x a week. Most women gain a minimum of 30lbs, everythinggggg is processed and any gym time you get is limited and has time constraints based on units. The food sucks so most of the time you have to rely on commissary. I’m a chef and the facility I was in had a toaster oven so the girls loved me because I taught a lot of them how to make some good food haha, but also the ones that have done a lot of time know how to get creative. It’s crazy. We had girls making egg rolls and Alfredo haha. No matter how nice the staff might be you will still always be put into place and reminded/treated like a subpar human being.

If you're on the spectrum it's gonna be hella overstimulating. The fluorescent lighting, the celly that won't shut f**k up, the texture of the scrubs you gotta wear.

How creative every one is. People invent the craziest s**t to do mundane things that we take for granted.
I don’t wanna burn out the real creative stuff, but first thing that comes to mind is tv stands made of toilet paper and tattoo guns made of dismantled cd players and guitar strings.

JudgeJuryEx78:

My son's father made some really cool beads out of plastic bags and sent me a necklace and a bracelet. I've never worn them but I kept them. It's impressive.

I found it pretty relaxing to not have to think about what you are going to do for the day. Also no pressure to achieve something. Yes, there were those walls and barbwire fences. But I flourished as a person in prison. And that’s something I do not talk about with other people. That I liked it there.

Yes, prison can be good for you.

The California department of corrections and rehabilitation is almost self sufficient. They make almost everything they use, food, clothing, all that.

Cell phones are extremely easy to get, and contrary to popular belief, it’s not just the COs bringing them in. That’s actually less common than you think. Not a lot of people want to risk their job and benefits for their family for a bit of money. And inmates don’t want to risk being thrown in the hole for trying to proposition an officer. They also don’t want to be seen talking privately to an officer and looking like a snitch. There’s other ways contraband can get in.

Drones dropping contraband into the yard is common nowadays. There’s also the old walking up and throwing it over the fence. My spot let inmates drive cars for certain jobs, sometimes even off prison property. We also had windows that opened, and could be taken completely off by unscrewing some bolts.

Every night after count, a group of inmates would go out the window and grab alcohol, cigarettes, cell phones, and the big one was actually food. Usually dropped in a huge duffle bag in the woods behind the prison. A lot of them got picked up by their wives/girlfriends and hung out for a few hours. I know someone who got their girl pregnant while doing that. When COs noticed she was pregnant during a visit, he was put in the hole and investigated. Not sure what happened after that.

Eventually someone snitched and 4 of them got caught. Here’s the news article.

How much just 1 year inside will change you. I spent one year in, and now my anxiety has tripled. I can't deal with large groups of people, even if it's family, and I catch myself always watching people, especially at work.

Things are settled with surprisingly respectful fights. If someone goes down you let them back up. It's settled in a very old school "manly" sort of way. Even small disagreements get settled this way. Neither party may even be mad, its just what you have to do "handle business" "get your paper" There are words that will always lead to a fight "b**ch" "h**" "punk" (theres some nuance here because punk is also a title so if you actaully are one, its not going to be a fight) where I was at, just saying "whats up then?" meant a fight you could not back down from.

If someone uses those "fighting words" or disrespects you, you must fight them win/lose/or draw. Its more about standing up for yourself than winning. People respect you if you stand up for yourself.

Upon entering certain races may approach you and test you, and you may need to fight immediately this is called a "heart check" its to confirm whether you're a b**ch or not. If you do not fight, you will have a bad time, as no one respects you and if someone wants to take advantage of you no one will give a s**t. On that note, there are absolutely predators, and you learn who they are and you just don't fuck with them.

Everything is racially segregated to an extent. Its just how it is. If a riot pops off even if its gang related, most gangs are based on race, so if youre a certain color its doesnt matter if you're solo, you're a target(hence the heart check, "if it goes down can I count on you to have my back?")

There are a lot of talented people in prison. Artists who can draw sexual pictures are popular.