"Our fear of failure is something we learn as children," psychologist Dr. Samuel West, who studies corporate behavior, told Bored Panda. "We learn how to react to failure by observing those around us. We learn that failure is negative, it is painful, and that we should avoid it."
These lessons are extensive and quite damaging, but some teachers make them especially persuading. "Growing up influenced by adults that have high anxiety and/or are overly critical and unsupportive makes it much worse," Dr. West added. "At the core, the fear of failure is related to shame and the powerful emotions of being negatively judged by others. When we feel shame we try to hide our perceived wrong-doings, our poor moral decisions, etc."
"The evolutionary function of shame is social control. Society needs social mechanisms to maintain order. As such, the fear of failure makes perfect sense, as a society we don't want people to keep failing and doing things that are detrimental to themselves and society itself."
In 2017, Dr. West launched an exhibit in Sweden showcasing flopped products and ideas, to celebrate failure's essential role in innovation and progress. It quickly gained popularity and is now known as 'The Museum of Failure,' a traveling exhibition that has been making its way around the world.
"There is good failure and there is bad failure," he said. And that's why it can be so tricky!
"Bad failure is the kind that is preventable and predictable, it is always bad and should be avoided. Good failure is the type of failure that comes from experimentation and exploration when we try and test new things. Art, science, and tech innovation need the continual taking of risks (risk of failure!) for progress to happen. The same is true for us on a personal level. Without taking meaningful risks we stagnate."
Dr. Nick Morgan agrees. The founder and CEO of Public Words, a consulting firm specializing in communication skills, describes himself as a recovering perfectionist and believes that the big question when it comes to failure is what can we do with it.
"I can stress out and ruminate endlessly on what went wrong. I can beat myself up for my part in the debacle. I can try to pretend that nothing happened. I've tried each of these over the years, and a few more besides, and I can tell you that they don’t work — of course they don't. And yet, many of us respond these ways over and over again, trapped by our perfectionism," Dr. Morgan told Bored Panda.
"What you need to do instead is to understand what went wrong, as dispassionately as possible, decide what to do differently the next time, and move on. If apologies are in order, make them heartfelt and timely."
The key, according to Dr. Morgan, is the part about moving on. "If you don't process the failures cleanly, you'll find yourself like a ship with its hull covered in barnacles, moving slower and slower, unable to navigate gracefully through the waters ahead," said the author of Can You Hear Me?: How to Connect with People in a Virtual World.
"Worse, the next time you’re speaking, and the moment looks weirdly like the failure moment to your unconscious mind – which never forgets, especially pain – you will find yourself suddenly distracted at the very least by your brain saying, 'Oh-oh! Things are about to go horribly wrong!' That will compound the agony, and matters will quickly get worse."
The good thing is that "while the failure itself is a negative experience (it is embarrassing, expensive, painful, etc.) the results can and often are very positive," Dr. Samuel West added.
In fact, he highlighted that recovering from our failures has been becoming an increasingly hot research topic.
"One thing that we know is that people need perspective on their failures, to understand that while it is painful, the effects are limited. This quote by Jon Sinclair explains it very well: 'Failure is a bruise. Not a tattoo.' When we make an effort to reflect on what has happened and accept responsibility we can learn from them — this is the best way to recover."
"When you understand that failure is the empty spaces in-between success, that failure is just the other side of the coin of success, then recovering from failure is easier. I advise my clients that they should focus more on 'failure recovery' than on 'failure avoidance.' Once you train your ability to recover from small and larger failures you realize that there is not much to fear."
Dr. Nick Morgan also mentioned a study from 2011 that he recently ran across finds that acceptance and self-compassion, positive reframing, and humor are the three most effective ways to deal with failure.
"These are techniques I can get behind, even though I’m not great at them," he said.
Acceptance and self-compassion are the basics of moving on from failure. According to Dr. Morgan, you will know best how to talk to yourself, but some form of acceptance and forgiveness of yourself as a unique, valuable, fabulous human being is vital. "There are many books, online courses, and psychologists out there ready to help. Do the work; it’s important. As the self-help cliché has it, the airplane safety talk is right: put on your own oxygen mask first," he explained.
Next, positive reframing can help make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. "The idea here is to find something, anything that did go well or can be spun into a positive," he said. "Don’t fool yourself, but don’t overdo the doom and gloom in the first flush of failure, either. As a wise person ... shared with me once, it’s the broken places where the light comes in."
And lastly, as these pictures illustrate, humor. "Laughing at yourself is a great gift; lightness allows you to rise above the slough of despond and sail on serenely," Dr. Morgan said. Although, "laughing at others’ pratfalls is something I leave to your discretion."
"The point is that once you can laugh at failure it is no longer terminal. You are ready to move on."
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