Picture this: you match with someone cute and funny on Tinder. You’re typing away about seemingly normal things, like the kind of music you’re into or what you do for work. Everything seems pretty smooth sailing, and you can already feel all of the wonderful experiences you’ll get to share with this person.
Then, suddenly and completely out of nowhere, they come right at you with a seriously out-of-touch message that leaves you a little surprised and a whole lot confused. Such is the burden of being a woman, looking for "the one" online — witnessing the 'Straight Boy Texts' phenomenon firsthand.
So this begs the question: what is it with online dating that makes it such a complex universe to navigate? To better understand the world of internet romance, we previously reached out to Abi Blears, an international dating coach and award-winning matchmaker. "Apps can be a brilliant addition to meeting people in real life and enable us to connect with people we might not cross paths with otherwise. However, there are downsides to them," she told Bored Panda.
Blears argued that apps give us a false perception of having a great deal of choice. What’s more, they might make us feel like people are easier to replace. "They also inadvertently make us focus on things that might not be that important," the coach added.
"They encourage us to make snap decisions about people based on very little information. Another downside to an app is that you could fall victim to a catfish (someone who is pretending to be someone they are not), in the real world it’s harder to be misled."
It’s no secret that many women have online dating horror stories to share. A Pew Research survey has found that out of 30% of US adults who have ever used a dating site or app, many women shared negative experiences from using the platforms.
For example, 60% of female users under the age of 35 said someone on a dating site or app continued to contact them after they said they were not interested, while 57% reported being sent a sexually explicit message or image they didn’t ask for.
But Blears pointed out that this is not necessarily specific to dating apps. "Everyone who has dated a lot has likely had a bad experience somewhere along the way or dated someone who behaves less than ideal. People tend to share negative experiences and remember negative experiences more readily than positive ones," she said and added that for every negative online dating story out there, there’s likely a positive one.
However, the coach also mentioned that matching with someone on an app doesn’t have the same level of accountability compared to meeting them in real life, whether that’s through friends or in the workplace.
"You’re more likely to be respectful of someone if you know it could impact your peer relationships or life in the future. If you meet someone on an app, there’s less of a chance that you’ll run into them in the future or that your peers will hear about any nefarious behavior," Blears said.
Toxic masculinity might be one of the reasons men believe the world should cater to their desires and convince them that they have a right to act this way. But Blears said it’s important to not encourage the narrative that men shouldn’t express their emotions.
Of course, women can be abusive too and men are less likely to report abuse because it’s deemed by some to be emasculating, she added. "That said, it’s not even nearly on the same scale and toxic masculinity does need to be explored and dealt with."
When it comes to online harassment, it’s hard to know the right course of action on how to deal with offenders, as every situation tends to be different. However, if someone is being directly abusive, "the best thing to do is to remove yourself from the interaction. If you’re on an app, block and report the person. It’s important to know your own boundaries and uphold them."
"For example, you might have a zero-tolerance for being sworn at and the person you’re talking to swears at you. If you think they are generally reasonable, the approach would be to express how it makes you feel when they do that, express what you want in the future, and express the consequences if they repeat to offend. Then stick to your word."
She continued: "It’s also important not to get too wrapped up with people who are only nice from time to time, if someone isn’t consistently nice then they aren’t nice and it’s not your role to change them, as tempting as that might be."
