When a kid has special needs, it’s not only the parents that have to adapt to what their condition requires to make them feel comfortable, but everyone who comes into contact with them. But not everyone may understand the sacrifices and the special treatment the parents give to the child and it can affect relationships.
A mom experienced it firsthand and wondered if she was doing too much after her siblings left the Christmas dinner and berated her for allowing her special needs daughter to have toys in plain sight but not share them with other kids.
More info: Reddit
Guests were bothered that the foster mom of this girl with special needs put her toys in front of other kids but didn't allow them to touch them, so they let her know it was rude
Image credits: Thandy Yung (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) is a mom to a big family. She has 4 biological children between the ages of 17 and 9 and a 6-year-old foster daughter, Emily, that has been living with them for a year now.
It is not said what condition Emily has, but she has special needs and the most dangerous manifestation of it is when the girl gets overwhelmed. She then will hide and make it very difficult to find her, especially because she can squeeze herself into small spaces.
The author of the story and her husband are foster parents to a 6-year-old girl, Emily, and have been for the last year
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
The solution the parents found was to create a tight safe space for their foster daughter so that they could control it, which was a tent. Nobody else is allowed in there and the girl can go inside whenever she needs to calm down.
Emily understood the purpose of the tent and if she didn’t feel right, she would go inside instead of locking herself in somewhere where the parents couldn’t see. Also, it was put up in the living room as the mom and dad had a good view of it regardless of whether they were in that room, the kitchen, dining room, or laundry room.
When the girl would get overwhelmed she would squeeze herself into small spaces and it would be difficult to find her
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
The tent wasn’t a problem most of the time; actually, it was a relief to the parents and an indication that something was wrong, allowing them to react. But it became the object of a family fight when OP hosted Christmas.
The adults weren’t bothered by the tent themselves, but those who had kids were confused as to why the woman would put it in the living room. It was distracting as the kids wanted in and wanted to play with the toys inside, so it upset them when they were told that they weren’t allowed to touch anything.
There were other toys to play with that Emily agreed to share and the youngest of the biological children also didn’t mind his relatives playing with his toys. But OP’s siblings were commenting that she shouldn’t have put a tent full of toys in the living room and not allowed children to touch it.
The tent was already discussed even before the guests arrived, but the mom explained again that it was Emily’s safe space, not only mentally but physically as well, because the parents could see what she was doing.
So the parents decided to create a safe space to go to calm down that they could easily monitor and used a tent for it
Image credits: Curtis Adams (not the actual image)
The general consensus of the family was that OP was being rude and was taunting the kids. The woman’s parents thought that it would be better if they hosted future holidays to avoid Emily having a tent.
When it seems that nobody’s on your side, even if you thought that you were doing the right thing, it could plant some doubts. But it’s easier when you are just an onlooker and redditors believed that the mom was just doing what was best for her daughter and her siblings should teach their kids boundaries, because even small children have the brain capacity to understand what ‘no’ means.
The tent was placed in the living room as it was the most convenient spot but guests that came over for Christmas didn't appreciate that it was put there
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
Parents of children with special needs are often seen as ‘difficult’ not only by professionals in education but, as we saw from the example in the story, by family members as well. It is because they require more than parents with typical children and make them adapt to their circumstances.
The judging is caused by ignorance because people don’t realize that children with various disabilities or disorders have more needs to live comfortably despite them not having any obvious outside signs. Treating them like you would treat a typical child will be more harmful than useful in the long run.
It was because the tent was full of toys, but Emily didn't want to share them or for anyone else to come in, so other kids were upset
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
For example, if parents ignore the fact that their child has autism, “children may not develop competent skills with regards to learning, speech, or social interactions. Adults who have not received appropriate treatment may have trouble living independently, may be unemployed, and may struggle with relationships.”
It’s not just social life that is affected but the disorder keeps altering the brain: “Untreated autism causes changes in brain function that make it more difficult for the person to control impulsive behavior or think rationally about their actions before they act on them.”
Which in turn made their parents upset and they accused the mom of taunting the kids
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
Other common reasons why a child has special needs are because they’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, Down syndrome, cerebral palsy or epilepsy. Ignoring each of these conditions may lead to serious consequences.
Which is why parents do what they can to make sure those needs are met and others may think that they are exaggerating or that their child is just spoilt. But Shawna Wingert, special education teacher and mom of two boys with different special needs, reassures that this is not the case.
If a child has autism, their main accommodations will be social and “Social accommodations are more likely to be perceived as spoiling because the need is not as obvious as the child requiring a wheelchair or hearing aids. Your child has clearly shown us that he needs help to function in certain situations. You are accommodating him so that he can interact with and engage in the world as much as possible. That is not spoiling him. That is helping him. That is being his mom.”
They believed there was plenty of room to put the tent in a different part of the house, not listening that the mom needed to have the girl in sight
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
The OP wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary when you have a special needs child and what her guests showed was that they don’t believe their children are capable of sympathy for those who perceive the world differently.
But do you think this situation could have been handled differently? Do you think the OP’s parents offering to host Christmas will solve this issue? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Some guests left after dinner, showing their disapproval, and readers showed their disapproval towards them for not teaching their children boundaries
