Raising children often comes with a lot of selfless caring, looking out for what is good for a child. This is something that can easily be forgotten if the relationship between both parents does not work out very well. Or, as in this woman’s story, the father refuses to participate in raising his child, and in addition to being a terrible father to his daughter, he is particularly rude to the child’s mother. So the mother is left to decide what to do about his request to meet his daughter after sixteen years of silence, while she also believes he wants to meet his daughter for “all the wrong reasons.” So what is eventually best for the child and who should make this decision?
More info: Reddit
Father was "out of the picture" until his daughter turned 16, so the girl's mother lets her daughter decide if she still wants to meet him
Image credits: Appalachian dreamer (not the actual photo)
The man refused any contact with the baby, in addition to spreading lies that the woman "planned to trap him"
Image credits: Any_Care4207
Image credits: Tabitha Blue (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Any_Care4207
Image credits: Elvert Barnes (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Any_Care4207
When the father expressed his wish to enter his daughter's life, the girl's mother was suspicious
The man's wife being unable to conceive and his refusal to acknowledge he did anything wrong in the past made the woman doubt his reasons
The girl's mother reassures people online that her decision to tell her daughter about her father’s jerk moves in the past is not based on her resentment or wish to get even. The woman explains that she is genuinely concerned that the girl’s father wants to meet his daughter “for all the wrong reasons.” She specifies a few aspects that made her believe so. First of all, as she explicitly notes herself, she asked the man if he has something he has done to prove he has actually thought about the girl, which he did not have.
The second red flag, this woman brought up, was the man’s wife’s fertility problems. Having the overall history in mind, this woman has a reason to believe this man is only there for a person when it is convenient for him. As the woman explains, now, when the man has nothing to lose, he is done partying, he’s got his degrees and a job, and probably only because his wife cannot conceive, he reaches out for his abandoned child. Only he is sixteen years late. As if a child is a commodity of some sort and one gets to choose when he needs it. While in reality, the child is anything but a commodity.
In addition to that, the child’s mother notes that she only started looking for those red flags after she expressed her concerns when the girl’s father reached out to her on Facebook, and instead of acknowledging and apologizing for being a jerk, this man got mad, saying it was the woman who chose to have the baby, not him. Well, if he actually didn’t choose to have this baby, he shouldn’t reach out to meet her. And there are just too many loopholes in his view of the story anyway. “Not choosing to have a child” does not explain spreading lies about the girl’s mother “trying to trap him” with a pregnancy.
And yet, as brought up in the very beginning, despite all the jerk moves of the father and all the good intentions of the girl’s mother, the question remains: what is best for a child? And who should make that decision? This girl’s mother, who had all the red flags in mind, decided to tell her daughter all the facts at her disposal and let her make a decision on whether she wants to know her father. And it all ended with the girl deciding not to meet her father. However, even though the girl is already a teenager, there is the question of whether she can handle the full responsibility of deciding whether to meet her father. The overall situation involves very high stakes, as a person normally has only two biological parents and the absence of one parent has a strong impact on a child.
After the girl's mother told her side of the story, the teenager refused to meet her father
Image credits: Rachel D (not the actual photo)
The woman's mother, however, thinks she shouldn't have poisoned the father's image for her daughter
Handing all the responsibility to a teenager to decide can create an illusion that the child’s decision is not biased, while in fact, the child’s mother is the one who gives all the information and has a very strong influence on the child’s decision. Children often make decisions based on their parents’ expectations, even if not consciously, in order not to upset them. However, putting this sort of responsibility on a child can create an internal conflict in what is already a sensitive area for a child growing up with one of their parents.
Ourfamilywizard discussed the issue of renewing contact between one of the parents and a child. They emphasized that having a parent re-enter the relationship with a child can be disorienting, even though still, in most cases, it is regarded as a positive step in the long run. Naturally, the bigger the gap of not seeing the other parent, the more intense the situation, which requires both parents to be extra sensitive and make sure they are putting the health and happiness of the child at the center.
The situation is difficult for all the people involved. The parent who wants to re-enter the relationship can experience a complicated mixture of joy, impatience, and grief. Grief for the time they were apart can be experienced no matter the choices or circumstances that led to the parent’s absence. One of the important qualities that the parent wishing to re-enter the child’s life should exhibit is patience towards the custodial parent. As brought up by Ourfamilywizard, the custodial parent may balk at being asked too much too quickly and the conservative schedule should not be regarded as a punishment, but as an effort to build long-term bonds.
When it comes to custodial parents, it is natural to feel some resentment toward the absent parent. However, it only makes it more important to protect the child from being harmed by these feelings. While from the non-custodial parent, respect and empathy towards the custodial parent who did all the work bringing up the child and answering the questions about the absent parent is expected, the absent parent is expected to not take out their frustrations or worries on the custodial parent or the child.
Finally, both parents are advised to be aware of the seriousness of the situation and consider seeing a therapist to help them process the raw and confusing emotions, while both parents should move their focus from their own relationship with their ex-partner and focus on working things out in the way that's best for their child. The HelpGuide explains the importance of not putting children in the middle. It is important to remind oneself that the issues between parents are not the child’s problem. And children should not be put in a situation where they have to choose sides in their parents’ conflict, as they have a right to have a relationship with both parents. Of course, every situation is unique, and knowing the facts might benefit the child; however, keeping it in balance and not putting more on a child than she can handle is crucial.
Redditors were united in their decision that the girl's mother did the right thing trying to protect her daughter
