In order to find out what Swedes themselves had to say about this cultural phenomenon, we spoke with a Swedish woman who goes by the Twitter handle @missfotografica. Having participated in the debate over Swedes not feeding their children’s kids in various Twitter threads, @missfotografica made a couple of clarifications.
First, she doesn’t think this is true today. “I remember when I was a kid in the 1980s and then it was true, at least where and when I grew up. I have no idea where that came from, but I never ate lunch or dinner at my friends'. Maybe, if some arrangement was made in advance among the parents, but that almost never happened,” she recounted. Meanwhile, @missfotografica added that her kids have always eaten at friends' houses and they have always offered lunch/dinner at theirs. “I wouldn’t dream of having someone wait in another room,” she said.
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When asked whether Swedes ever discuss this, @missfotografica said that they never really talk about this nowadays. “It’s not a thing anymore and people today have a totally different view on this, in my opinion,” she said.
When it comes to all the chaos the news that Swedes don’t feed their children’s guests sparked on social media, @missfotografica commented: “I think most people in other countries got the idea that this is still a current thing. They didn’t get that this was 35-40 years ago.”
The woman also added that this is solely her experience: “I’m not speaking on behalf of all the people who grew up in Sweden in the ’80s, even if I have heard from several others who lived it too.” For all the critics and negative commenters out there, @missfotografica wants to say: “Just come to Sweden and have dinner with us! You are more than welcome! But to make it a bit more Swedish, please call first,” she laughed.
Sweden is known as home to the happiest people on earth who enjoy their nature and hearty cuisine. The country is also renowned for its quality of life, leaving many countries behind in happiness, equality and social connection. This reputation may be to blame for people on social media taking the news that Swedes don’t feed their children's guests dinner as such a shock. On the other hand, this is likely one big misunderstanding that happens all too often on social media.
In response to the controversial topic, Swedish writer Linda Johansson wrote this viral opinion piece for the Independent titled “I’m Swedish – it’s true that we don’t serve food to guests. What’s the problem?” What many people on Twitter and Reddit were thinking of as a rumor or a rare quirk, according to her, was actually true.
Recounting her childhood, Johansson wrote: “As a child growing up in Gothenburg, I remember not really caring at all that I wasn’t being fed – I just continued playing and had a nice, quiet time while the other family had their dinner.” She added that the time when her friend was eating “was usually just a quick ‘pause’; probably because they didn’t want to mess up my family’s plans,” she wondered.
In many other cultures, this approach will not be met well, and many Twitter users shared that in the various trending threads about the topic. But Johansson did a great job of explaining the whys and buts about Swedes not feeding their kids’ guests.
“The Swedish thinking goes like this: the other child (or the other family) may have plans for another kind of dinner, and you wouldn’t want to ruin the routine or preparations.”The writer also said that she doesn’t think it is anything to do with not wanting to feed the other child or because it costs money. “It’s more to do with tradition and wanting to eat with your own family,” she wrote.
For those who wonder, the situation would be different if you were actually invited over as a proper “playdate”, Johansson explained, but that wasn’t usually the case. “We didn’t really have the same kind of formally arranged invitations. I think in many ways, Sweden is more of a free society than the UK.”
Moreover, “Children are allowed to run around more freely there, so they would usually just knock on the door and ask if they can come in and play – and obviously, you don’t 'plan' how many children would be at your house in that instance. It would be a complete surprise. The parents wouldn’t be included, usually, they wouldn’t come over to your house or expect to be catered for,” she argues in the piece.
The offer or denial of a meal can be telling of social relations. #Swedengate shows how invites can be dependent on historical precedent, parental expectation or food wastage.
Meanwhile, Timothy Heffernan, a postdoctoral fellow and UNSW Sydney researcher, also shared an illuminating explanation about the controversial debate. According to him, it all comes down to cultural differences where various acts of social behavior are interpreted differently. He wrote in an article for Medium: “Localized norms have existed in all cultures across history. Denial isn’t necessarily an act of inhospitality – it just points to cultural norms, contested as they may be, as seen through the #Swedengate controversy.”
Moreover, according to Heffernan, “localized norms have existed in all cultures across history. Denial isn’t necessarily an act of inhospitality – it just points to cultural norms, contested as they may be, as seen through the #Swedengate controversy.”
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