"Nobody Feel Up My Wife”: 30 House Rules That Left Guests Grimacing

Alright, I’ll throw a sweet one in here to break up the depressing stories.

At my best friend’s house growing up, whenever we would swing by her house, her Abuela (who raised her) would always have a plate of hot fresh food for us and had us sit down and eat it before doing anything else. Not in an abusive, mess with your relationship with food kind of way, but in a “Abuela made you some food and it’s the best food you have ever eaten, and it was made with so much love”.

Food was her love language, and even though she only speaks Spanish (I didn’t), you always felt loved when you when to her house and that was never lost in translation. I still miss her tamales.

(Belatedly realizing this sounds depressing since it sounds like she is dead. She isn’t. I just moved).

I had a friend in elementary school who had a controlling a**hat of a father who also worked some wacky hours - like had to be at work at 3 am. God bless him for providing for his family, but he forced everyone to adhere to his schedule. He needed to go to bed at 4 pm, so “dinner” was at 2:30, the landline phone was taken off the hook at 3, and everyone was expected to complete their evening baths/teeth brushing, etc and go to bed at 4. No tv, nothing. He expected the house to be quiet.


In addition to these ridiculous rules, he insisted that if his daughter was going to come to my house for a sleepover, then I had to go to their house. Every other sleepover had to be at their house with his ridiculous rules. Every other friend bailed- I think the “no tv” was the dealbreaker. But as young girls, the no giggling probably also played a role. I can still close my eyes and picture that ape of a man losing his s**t and screaming at other people’s children for giggling.


Anyway, I did it. I stuck it out. Because my friend needed somewhere else to go and I could do that for her.

Your butt must be in the dinner chair at 6 PM sharp even if dinner is not quite ready. No speaking at the dinner table unless asked a question by an adult. You must eat everything on your plate, and cannot ask for seconds. No leaving the table before the Father (you could hear the capital F) dismisses you.

Coming from a family where dinner was a joyful affair where everybody talked about their day, I was shocked.

Idk if it was a rule but we stayed the night at my mom's best friend's house. For breakfast we had cereal. He kids had it with milk, my sibs and I had to eat it with water.

I asked why and she just told me "No you can use water, the milk is for my kids."

I told my mom and she flipped out on her for that bs and never talked to her again.. it was a terrible betrayal especially since my mom did a lot for her.

My mom is the best.

At age 12, I stayed at this girl's house, and she said some s**t before bed like, "Dad keeps an eye out so we're safe."

This didn't bother me til I rolled over at midnight and her dad was in a chair next to the bed we were in, just staring at us. Naturally, I got out of that bed and walked home, ignoring their calls and sprinting when they got in their car to follow me.

I had a friend whose dad was obsessed with the vacuum lines in the house and would vacuum multiple times a day. We weren’t allowed to walk on them because it would mess them up so we had to tip toe around the edges of rooms if we wanted to go anywhere in the house. I witnessed him beating the c**p out of her for “messing up one of the lines” my parents didn’t let me go over after that.

My friends dad was divorced and lived in a big house with his new gf. he made women wear their hair up at dinner. We had to wait for him to sit before we could start eating. We could not leave until he was done. We weren’t allowed to speak unless her dad asked us a question. We got in trouble for playing outside in the yard without permission. As punishment we had to clean his shoes. I said something to my friend like is this how your dad always is? And he heard me and told me if I spoke about him again he would slap me across the face.

Rule: Blankets are only allowed to be used on the bed.

I spent the night there only once because they kept their house freezing cold in the middle of winter and had me sleeping on the couch in the basement. I wore my winter coat to bed and used his coat as a blanket. I was 9 or 10yo and it was f*****g miserable.

At my childhood best friend's house, I had to wear disposable shoe covers over my shoes or socks and rubber gloves and I wasn't allowed to sit on any of the furniture because her mom didn't want me touching anything. I was the only one who had to do this. Her brother, cousins, or her other friends didn't have to. Just me. I visited her house six times before my mom was like "no, you're not going there to stand around like a statue. B comes here to play or you two don't play at all."

I found out years later, after my friend's mom died, it was because she didn't like white people. I was my friend's only white friend. I also discovered that if she visited my house, she would go home and her mom would scrub her down in the shower.

Stayed at a friend's house one night and the family communicated exclusively through whispering...not just hushed voices but full on hand to ear. Serious mind f**k.

I stayed with my girlfriend's family for a few days one college break. They had a rule at breakfast that you could never have just a single type of breakfast cereal - it always had to be a mix of two different boxes. But not any two - had to be flakes with flakes, or Os with Os. I don't know what Cap'n Crunch matched with. I had toast.

I wasn’t allowed to throw any “female waste products” in the house, aka I’d have to wrap my tampon or pad and throw it out in the outside trash…I went home.

I’m white but I grew up in a black neighborhood.

4-5 of my freinds parents wouldn’t let me use the front door. A couple wouldn’t let me come in their house at all.

I was 11 and spent the weekend at a friend's house. Her mom got us (me, my friend, and her 9 yo brother) up super early. After breakfast, she told us we had to go outside, and no matter what, we couldn't come back in until 6 pm. I asked her what we were supposed to do for 12 hours. She said, "Have fun!". She left a pitcher of water and 3 cups on the porch swing and locked us out. Apparently, they were used to being locked out all day every Saturday and Sunday while their mom was in the house alone. I went to her neighbor's house and called my mom to come get me.

Friend’s family had this nice house with a nicely finished walkout basement with a kitchen, main area, bathroom and two bedrooms. It was furnished as if it was an apartment and the entire family including three kids lived down there full time while the four bedroom upstairs was fully furnished and they would only use the main part of the house if they were hosting company. It was bizarre going over there because we’d get in trouble if we tried to play in the big unused part of the house. When I asked him why they all lived in the basement he said his mom doesn’t want to have to clean it all the time so they just didn’t use their big house. It was so weird.

My best friend’s parents used to make all their kids (and kids’ friends) come into their room at 9 pm and kneel at the foot of their bed to read scripture and pray with them, while they laid in bed. So weird looking back on it…my friend is now “living an alternative lifestyle” and has very minimal contact with them.

My high school best friend’s dad wouldn’t let her or her sisters’ friends in the house if they had “masculine” colored nail polish on. It had to be neutral (white/beige) or feminine (pink/red). No strange colors like green and yellow and absolutely no blue or black.

Well I’m an elder emo millennial and I loved my black nails but I kept nail polish remover in my car so that I could remove it before going in her house. It’s been 20+ years since I’ve seen that family and I still think of them anytime I paint my nails blue or black.

In second grade, I went to my new friend's house and their whole house was split up by the "inside" half and the "outside" half. Inside = the hallway to the bedrooms and bathrooms, and outside = the living room and kitchen areas. The children were supposed to stay "inside" until dinnertime when we could go back "outside" to eat together. It was absolutely wack and I never went there again.


Anyway the dad ended up trying to k*ll his whole family with a flamethrower years later. And their dog had worms.

I wiped my mouth on the provided cloth napkin. I thought they must be very fancy, we used paper napkins at our house. I looked up and they were all staring at me. “Those are *decorative*”. The next morning the mom pulled out her food journal and laid it open so we could see how little she had eaten. We ignored it, so she felt she had to announce it, “I’ve only had an apple and a low-fat string cheese today. [daughter], have you and your friend been pigging out?”. Yet it was cool to let us speculate as to whether the hot tub was safe to enter because her brother liked to watch, and he liked to have relations with the intake valves after he watched. I didn’t stay over again.

I slept over and we had to go to bed at 7pm, then in the morning his mother would not let me leave to go back home until I had a shower and dressed in identical clothing to my "Friend"
we then went to McDonalds where his mother left me to figure out my own way home.