“The Toilet Paper Rush”: 50 Stories Parents Just Can’t Wait To Tell Their Kids When They Grow Up

That I stuck temporary tattoo eyebrows on her face. We will only have one child so I won't have several kids to do this to but at 6 months she still doesn't have much hair and her eyebrows are VERY light. So..... I stuck some temporary ones on her. I'm dying 😂😂😂😂😂.

I have two young children, and my wife and I have always done a surprisingly good job of avoiding any swear words or even things like "stupid" or "dumb" in front of them. One of the things I'll say is "knucklehead" if someone's being a d**k in traffic or something, but even then, I say that it's not very nice, and that sometimes even adults set bad examples. 

Anyway. One day, the older siblings comes running inside and tells me "Dad, younger sibling said the N word!". 

After a long conversation and lots of convincing that it was okay to repeat what they said so we can all talk about, we finally figured it out. 

It was knucklehead. We just didn't know about the silent K yet. .

My ex husband tried to k*ll our daughter. He drugged her with benadryl and set the house on fire with her in it. Then he called me to gloat. When his uncle came by and saved her from the fire, he decided to frame me for an arson that ended up a murder, because someone was inside the house and died. Our daughter survived the fire and healed quickly from smoke inhalation. She had to have her stomach pumped due to the overdose. He had nailed the windows of our house shut and blocked the doors from opening. Luckily, his uncle just broke a window to get her out. I've never told our daughter this, and I just tell her that her dad has a mental illness and that's why he's not around. I can't wait to tell her the whole truth when she's older. When he framed me, I had to talk to the OSBI and local police. He is an idiot with his frame job, because I had air tight alibis. I was in Air Force basic training and tech school. The government proved where I was and that I couldn't have committed the crimes.

Not planning on having kids but my nieces and nephews are going to hear about how their parent(s) and I did all the same things they do- stay up past curfew, sneak out, drink underage, etc. Because we were once their age too.

This isn’t a “funny” story, but I think it’s sweet about how I met their father. He was my first boyfriend, who was also my next door neighbor. We got engaged on the front porch of my parents’ house since we were always sitting on the porch together.

Probably the time I accidentally set the kitchen on fire trying to impress a date with my cooking skills – it was chaotic, but definitely a memorable lesson in humility!

I can't wait to tell my kids about the time I accidentally joined a cult for free pizza. Yep, you heard that right. Picture this: me, fresh out of college, hungry and broke, stumbling into what I thought was a 'Pizza Appreciation Club.' Little did I know, it was a cover for some serious cult vibes. Long story short, I didn't stick around for the initiation ceremony once they started chanting about pineapple toppings being sacrilegious. But hey, at least I got a good story out of it, right? Moral of the story: always read the fine print on those 'free pizza' flyers.

The stuff you learn about in history is what your grandparents and great grandparents had to go through and it’s not that long ago.

A leopard growled at me and was gng to kill my dog .

But I had watched the mountain lion and hiker video a few days before - it said to never turn ure back - which is what I did when I heard rustling in the bushes behind me - I thot it was a neighbourhood dog but when birds flew out and it seemed like that whatever was lurking in the bushes had stepped a step down - I stared at the bushes and called out or whistled but nothing - just something was hiding and then all of a sudden a very loud roarrrrrr - it reverberated in my chest - I screamed and thankfully my dog came running towards me - leashed her and walked away slowly while never turning my back . I was shivering all the way home .

That there’s food at home 😎.

Where Gondor was when the westfold fell.

That my kids father has been in jails but now he's a good man. Teach them the lesson of consequences.

Our grandfather survived WWII with kindness.

How their grandpa had a complete meltdown the first time he ever tried to do the taxes on a computer.

I was legally dead for over a minute. Ethanol allergy. Don't drink, kids!

I don’t have kids, but I make sure the next generation knows that their grandfather, the son of an immigrant, was Ike’s secretary during the war (eyes only clearance) where he met my mother (also eyes only clearance) drafting maps for Ike and Roosevelt. She had come from the Dust Bowl. Years later she was on one of the last commercial flights out of Saigon, not because she was afraid of the VC, but because the company was out of business.

And how I delivered pizzas from the Delta to the DMZ.

Your dad got the highest score on the college entrance exam in his school.

The tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise...

In all seriousness though, probably the story of defending myself against a moose. Or some of the stories from when I worked security, both stateside and overseas.

If I have kids, I will absolutely tell them about the time I went out to the bar and it just so happened that my city's NHL team was there for their end of season party and were mingling with bar patrons. I was most definitely fanboying that night.

Context, one of them is actually gay and the other is straight but born through C-section. Both my brothers used to fight about who was the bigger virgin and is more gay. It did not matter who was around, my parents, grandparents, my SO, or the nice cashier lady at my local Costco. It was just a yelling match with the winner being the one with better insults that day or who had the most laughs. My personal favorites are "I might be gay but at least I touched a p*ssy, you came out through C-section!" "At least, I'm not allergic to pussy unlike you!" "MOM BACK ME UP".