How can one thing be so loathsome and so hilarious at the same time? Is it some sort of magic? Is it our differing perceptions? Heck, if we know, but somehow, stand-up comedy jokes can either make you writhe with laughter or need an ambulance after scoffing too hard.
There’s no denying that good stand-up comedy jokes are an art form. It requires the comedian to be fully present, know how to interact with audiences, and have a stellar sense of humor. With all this needed, a lot can go wrong on many levels.
If you’d like to steer clear of dumb jokes and getting humiliated after climbing up on that stage, these hand-picked stand-up jokes might be the inspiration you need. Even if you have a niche sense of humor, you’ll find at least one fantastic joke from this list that’ll resonate with you. With over 100 jokes, the odds are ever in your favor here!
We can’t wait to hear which stand-up comedy lines you plan on trying out in front of an audience and which cheesy joke you think might just land. Let us know in the comments, and share this article with your friends to brighten their day.
#1 That Burn Hit Different
“Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.” — Bill Murray
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#2 Commitment to Vintage Vibes
"If your coffee shop has one of those passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" signs, I'm going to smoke in there and pay 50 cents for coffee."
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#3 Death Takes a Backseat to Stage Fright
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld
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#4 When your fake likes out-travel you
"I found out on Fiverr.com you can buy 1000 likes for $5. The only thing is that the likes come from the Middle East and they have Arabic names. So when I saw that my friend tweeted "Excited for my flight to New York City!"... I immediately spent the best $5 of my life." - Richard Sarvate
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#5 Spiders Are Just Hiding Too
"So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider." - Jeremy Kaplowitz
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#6 Plot Twist: Adoption Inception
"My friends will ask me,"Hey, since you were adopted, would you ever consider adoption?" I'm like, “Yes. Absolutely. If I ever have kids, I want them to go to a good home." - Jamie Ward
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#7 This Can’t Be Your Emergency Plan
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” - Demetri Martin
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#8 Silent type wins again
“My ex and I used to roleplay in the bedroom a lot. Her favorite game was ‘Handsome Librarian!’ Which is where I’m not allowed to talk and she reads a book instead.” — Kill Devil Hills
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#9 Facts Nobody Tells You About Toddlers
"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list." - Denis Leary
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#10 Wait for the mic drop moment
"When I told everyone I was gonna become a professional stand up comedian, they all laughed… Well, they’re not laughing now!"
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#11 Can’t Trust These Stacks
"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"
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#12 The Built-In Insult Wage
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” — Chris Rock
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#13 Master of the Capri Sun Challenge
"I'm a first grade teacher. Which is awesome because when I'm in a room full of first graders. I'm by far the coolest person in the room. Because I can usually open a Capri Sun. The kids are in awe of me. They're like, "Mr. Geoff, you can tie your shoes?!?” "Yea", I dabble. "When I'm not counting to one hundred!"" - Geoffrey A.
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#14 Thoughts and prayers? More like ghosting care.
"The people who see something horrible happen in the world and they run to the Internet. And they run to their social media, Facebook, Twitter, whatever they got. "My thoughts and prays..."Do you know what that's worth? Nothing.
You are not giving any of your time, your money or even your compassion. All you are doing, all you are doing, is saying, "Don't forget about me today."
You are not giving any of your time, your money or even your compassion. All you are doing, all you are doing, is saying, "Don't forget about me today."
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#15 That’s one way to learn survival skills
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
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#16 Why Are We Rebooting Nostalgia Again?
“Disney is creating live-action versions of their films, and everyone from my high school is having kids. Unnecessary remakes of something I grew up with are being shown to unnecessary remakes of something I grew up with.” — Nat Baimel
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#17 Virtual globetrotter vibes, but make it home
“Google Earth is amazing. They’ve photographed every road in the world and put them on the computer. You just type it in and you go there. You sit in front of the computer and you think, ‘I can go anywhere in the world. Where shall I go?’ And we all come to the same conclusion: ‘My house.'” - Michael McIntyre’s
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#18 Plot twist: Hell’s nicest icebreaker ever
"I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself... So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interesting about yourself."
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#19 When History’s Geniuses Missed Out
"Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I am NOT dead." - Kevin Schwartz
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#20 “Platypus Energy Is Basically Divine”
“Well, if God drinks, do you think God gets stoned once in a while? Just look at the platypus!” — Robin Williams
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How to Write Stand-up Jokes?
Writing jokes for stand-up comedy isn’t the difficult process that it’s made out to be. All it needs is practice, effort, and creativity (don’t forget audience feedback). Here are a few things you can do to start writing jokes and creating a set.
Find inspiration in your everyday life and note down interesting events, personal experiences, or thoughts that you have. You can keep a notebook or journal and write down anything that pops into your mind. Some things might not be as valuable, but eventually, you’ll have some good stand-up fodder.
Build on the topics you find to have a setlist that flows. If you have a humorous joke about working in a coffee shop, try to come up with similar stories about working, coffee shops, or coffee. There should be a thread to weave through all your jokes.
Pay attention to current news to create a funny social commentary on trending topics. In some cases, it can provide great scope for dark humor, which you probably should explore when you’re more experienced.
Do your research on the best stand-up jokes by professionals. This will give you an idea of how your set should flow and what to emphasize while writing jokes.