Humans are wired to be social. Just think how good it feels to be with someone who understands you. Not only at a family reunion but also on a date, in a job interview—anywhere, really.
Yet we don't click with everyone. And while it's easy to blame the weather or the other person, sometimes we ourselves can be the problem.
To figure out how, Redditor Hnnnnnn asked platform users who consider themselves experts in people skills to share the most common errors they notice.
#1
This will get buried, but I'll say it anyway in hopes that someone will find it useful:
Misunderstanding the purpose of "small talk." I have friends with poor social skills who say they 'hate' small talk, and find it pointless. I suspect some even consider themselves superior to people who engage in 'pointless chatter'.
They misunderstand the point of small talk is not explicitly in what is discussed, but in the subtext. The subtext of nearly all small talk between strangers is essentially: "hey person who is externally different than me: we are fundamentally the same! We are both people that experience life in the same ways. You're one way, I'm a different way; but there's many ways in which we experience life that are similar."
*"Some weather we're having."*
*"Yeah, boy, it sure got cold quick."*
This is not an exchange of information about the weather; it is two humans drawing closer by emphasizing that both of their lives are impacted simultaneously by forces outside their control, and secondarily that they live in the same geographical area.
*"Just got back from a few days in West Texas."*
*"Oh, I drove through Lubbock a few years back. Real good brisket."*
*"Yeah! It's amazing, right?"*
Oh, you and I have different clothes, hair, and religious beliefs; but we've had a similar experience to which we reacted a similar way.
*"Did you catch the game this weekend?"*
*"Man, what a finish!"*
We've never met before, but we both invest in sports as a way to safely express emotion in a public space by using the triumphs and heartbreaks of athletic competition as a proxy for our experience; and we both experienced those same feelings together yesterday, even though we hadn't even met.
Advanced examples:
*"Did you catch the game this weekend?"*
*"Oh, gotta tell you: I'm a Giants fan."*
*"No! That's criminal! How can you support those bastards!?"*
*"Well my grandpa was a fan, he passed it down to me"*
OR
*"well, growing up, I never followed sports. But one day I decided to follow baseball, and I fell in love with the game. Lived in San Fransisco at the time.."*
You and I like different teams, but we both like teams and so are the same.
*"Have you ever listened to the NPR show The Moth?"*
*"No, I never have. Should I check it out?"*
Person two is saying: even though we can't bond over this shared experience, even though we've only just met, I trust you with my time and attention. I'm interested in things you find important and take you seriously.
Misunderstanding the purpose of "small talk." I have friends with poor social skills who say they 'hate' small talk, and find it pointless. I suspect some even consider themselves superior to people who engage in 'pointless chatter'.
They misunderstand the point of small talk is not explicitly in what is discussed, but in the subtext. The subtext of nearly all small talk between strangers is essentially: "hey person who is externally different than me: we are fundamentally the same! We are both people that experience life in the same ways. You're one way, I'm a different way; but there's many ways in which we experience life that are similar."
*"Some weather we're having."*
*"Yeah, boy, it sure got cold quick."*
This is not an exchange of information about the weather; it is two humans drawing closer by emphasizing that both of their lives are impacted simultaneously by forces outside their control, and secondarily that they live in the same geographical area.
*"Just got back from a few days in West Texas."*
*"Oh, I drove through Lubbock a few years back. Real good brisket."*
*"Yeah! It's amazing, right?"*
Oh, you and I have different clothes, hair, and religious beliefs; but we've had a similar experience to which we reacted a similar way.
*"Did you catch the game this weekend?"*
*"Man, what a finish!"*
We've never met before, but we both invest in sports as a way to safely express emotion in a public space by using the triumphs and heartbreaks of athletic competition as a proxy for our experience; and we both experienced those same feelings together yesterday, even though we hadn't even met.
Advanced examples:
*"Did you catch the game this weekend?"*
*"Oh, gotta tell you: I'm a Giants fan."*
*"No! That's criminal! How can you support those bastards!?"*
*"Well my grandpa was a fan, he passed it down to me"*
OR
*"well, growing up, I never followed sports. But one day I decided to follow baseball, and I fell in love with the game. Lived in San Fransisco at the time.."*
You and I like different teams, but we both like teams and so are the same.
*"Have you ever listened to the NPR show The Moth?"*
*"No, I never have. Should I check it out?"*
Person two is saying: even though we can't bond over this shared experience, even though we've only just met, I trust you with my time and attention. I'm interested in things you find important and take you seriously.
31points
#2
Overestimating how much other people think about them. Unless you're in someone "inner circle" they barely think of you at all.
27points
#3
A conversation is not a competition. Quizzing people, correcting people, trying to one-up people... don't do that. I'm looking at you, Jake in IT. (A lot of IT people, actually.).
24points
#4
My mother always told me "People won't remember what you said or what you did as much as they will remember how you made them feel.".
23points
#5
Matching someone's tone: if she seems distraught, respond with an equally concerned tone. If someone is excited, respond with similar enthusiasm.
Also always make an effort to listen to people's stories, include everyone around you in a conversation by making eye contact.
Be humble and always refrain from bragging. A little bit of self-deprecation can actually go a long way in making people like you, just don't overdo it.
Also always make an effort to listen to people's stories, include everyone around you in a conversation by making eye contact.
Be humble and always refrain from bragging. A little bit of self-deprecation can actually go a long way in making people like you, just don't overdo it.
17points
#6
*Listen*. Don't wait to talk.
16points
#7
When people talk about their misfortune, hoping that you will pity them and be friends/date them. (Ex. I'm so fat. I'm so poor.) It makes an uncomfortable situation, and it makes me not want to be around you. I've had multiple guys try the pity card on me. If you're trying to convince someone to be around you, why would you bring up your flaws?
16points
#8
STOP MUMBLING I CANT HEAR YOU.
15points
#9
Not realizing when another person is uncomfortable.
14points
#10
Not everyone friendly towards you like likes you.
14points
#11
Zero humor. Sure, some things are serious and humor would be in bad taste, but in normal conversation, if a laugh can be shared, it's a positive experience.
12points
#12
One thing I used to do a lot was I didn't inhale before I started talking, so my voice was all high and fast and nervous-sounding. Breathing deeply and slowing down helped me sound calmer, and in turn I felt calmer.
11points
#13
Forgetting that we are interacting with another human being, just like yourself, on the internet.
Which is why any large online community will often degrade to toxic environments without strict and unforgiving moderators.
Which is why any large online community will often degrade to toxic environments without strict and unforgiving moderators.
11points
#14
Not understanding body language. Noticing if people want to be talked to, or want to be left alone. Noticing when groups are inviting, and when groups are not inviting. This can all be seen simply by looking at body language.
10points
#15
**Empathy** - the most common mistake people make is that they do not consider the perspective of the other person. Many of the top-voted comments in this thread are symptoms of that -- not noticing body language, overestimating the importance of small mistakes, bringing in insecurities, only talking about yourself, etc. All those can be solved by being more thoughtful about the interaction from the other person's perspective (and less wrapped up in your own head about yours). How can you *make the other person 'feel good' by interacting with you*? Make that the goal and everything will make more sense.
**Guiding the conversation** - ever had a conversation with someone where everything seemed to flow, where you jumped from one good topic to the next, barely noticing the transitions as they happened? Now contrast that with a bad conversation, one where you tried to make it work but the other person gave you nothing. The difference is massive. Many people think conversation is a natural skill that can't be learned -- that's wrong. It can be learned, practiced, honed. Empathy is key here; set the other person up to look good. How?
Think of conversations as a game, where Player A makes says one thing (e.g., "I'm going to NYC next weekend") and Player B says the next thing. You're Player B. You can respond in different ways -- (1) ask why they're going to NYC, (2) share a story about the last time you've been there, (3) change the topic. Now, if your goal is to set up Player A to feel good about the interaction, what is the best response of those three? The key here is to think one or two steps ahead each time (if I say X, where does that lead the conversation), always trying to set up the other person to have a good response and be able to continue the conversation -- avoid paths that lead to dead ends!
**Finding their passion** - if you want to connect more deeply with someone, figure out what they're passionate about and get them to open up about it. Most people have at least one topic that they can 'geek out' about. If you show a genuine interest in this and set them up to share their passion with you, you'd be surprised at how easy it is to make a meaningful connection with someone.
**Guiding the conversation** - ever had a conversation with someone where everything seemed to flow, where you jumped from one good topic to the next, barely noticing the transitions as they happened? Now contrast that with a bad conversation, one where you tried to make it work but the other person gave you nothing. The difference is massive. Many people think conversation is a natural skill that can't be learned -- that's wrong. It can be learned, practiced, honed. Empathy is key here; set the other person up to look good. How?
Think of conversations as a game, where Player A makes says one thing (e.g., "I'm going to NYC next weekend") and Player B says the next thing. You're Player B. You can respond in different ways -- (1) ask why they're going to NYC, (2) share a story about the last time you've been there, (3) change the topic. Now, if your goal is to set up Player A to feel good about the interaction, what is the best response of those three? The key here is to think one or two steps ahead each time (if I say X, where does that lead the conversation), always trying to set up the other person to have a good response and be able to continue the conversation -- avoid paths that lead to dead ends!
**Finding their passion** - if you want to connect more deeply with someone, figure out what they're passionate about and get them to open up about it. Most people have at least one topic that they can 'geek out' about. If you show a genuine interest in this and set them up to share their passion with you, you'd be surprised at how easy it is to make a meaningful connection with someone.
9points
#16
This is typical in group situations.
Answering questions asked of others. By this I mean, people often ask questions of someone for reasons other than simply learning the answer. For example, one may ask a question to bring someone into the conversation, or to allow that person to speak from a position of knowledge and authority and thus create a basis for a positive relationship, etc...
People with poor social skills sometimes think that the purpose of all questions is to learn the answers to those questions, to exchange information. So, they may interject in order to provide the answer more quickly or (in their minds) more concisely or completely. If you do this, you come off looking like an jerk, not looking smart, as you may think.
Answering questions asked of others. By this I mean, people often ask questions of someone for reasons other than simply learning the answer. For example, one may ask a question to bring someone into the conversation, or to allow that person to speak from a position of knowledge and authority and thus create a basis for a positive relationship, etc...
People with poor social skills sometimes think that the purpose of all questions is to learn the answers to those questions, to exchange information. So, they may interject in order to provide the answer more quickly or (in their minds) more concisely or completely. If you do this, you come off looking like an jerk, not looking smart, as you may think.
6points
#17
Be genuinely interested in the other persons conversation. Always offer your help, even when you're not asked. Have the courage to engage, alot of people are also super shy and really appreciate it when you start the conversation.
6points
#18
Talking in a "victim mindset"(i.e. "I wasn't able to do this, I wanted to do that, but because of the area I'm in"). I used to be bad about doing that until one day in the midst of discussion with a professor from Yale I was interrupted.
"Turkey, you seem like a nice guy, but you seriously need to stop. Not one person here cares about what you could've done or how you didn't do something. Tell me about what you're doing and what you plan on doing. Have a good one."
And then he walked away. I felt really embarrassed at the time, but I've changed a lot because of that.
"Turkey, you seem like a nice guy, but you seriously need to stop. Not one person here cares about what you could've done or how you didn't do something. Tell me about what you're doing and what you plan on doing. Have a good one."
And then he walked away. I felt really embarrassed at the time, but I've changed a lot because of that.
6points
#19
Just being yourself. Confidence in the conversation, dont talk about stuff you dont know. Best part is to smile and make eye contact when talking.
6points
#20
Bringing your insecurities to a completely new situation where nothing has really happened to warrant them. This usually turns the other person off or at the very least treat you like an insecure person for no reason other than the fact you're acting like one.
5points